by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
The year 2016 was rushed to North York General Hospital late last night with multiple blunt force trauma blows to the head. Early reports say that the blows were mostly aimed at its face.
"The patient has suffered extensive damage to its head," said Gaspar Noe-Ittall, the hospital's Chief of External Medicine. "A...stunning amount of damage, really. Unbelievable. Horrific, even. But, 2016 is a fighter, and it could hang on for another six...maybe seven months."
Police across the world are planning on interviewing millions of suspects. Sources within 32 Division, where most of the local suspects were being questioned, say that the number of perpetrators could be in the thousands.
"The death of David Bowie did it for me," explained professional raccoon cuddler Smith Smithson, who was cooling his heels in the overheated atmosphere of the police station. "He wasn't that old, and his passing was just so unexpected. It really made me question my faith in the honesty of advertising."
"First Bowie, then Prince," said Genady Geraffolo, itinerant metal batikist. "It was like...2016 was mocking us, daring us to be mad at it for all of the celebrities who died in it. 2016...2016 was relentless. Heartless. Just when you thought you couldn't take it any more - BLAM! - somebody else you had grown up with but barely knew had died! Far as I'm concerned, 2016 got what was coming to it!"
"Bowie was great. And, prince, of course. Great, great, great. But, what really made me lose it," said E. Laura Parkes, of no fixed occupation, "was the passing of Alan Rickman. He was great in Die Hard. And, Galaxy Quest. And, all those Harry Potter movie thingies. But, the saddest part is that he won't be around to pull a Truly, Madly, Deeply on us!"
"Why would I want to punch 2016 in the face?" mused used hairstyle salesperson Angela Bratwurst. "Well, it could be that my uncle Santo Mauritz choked to death on a pomegranate seed. Or, that I was diagnosed with Acute Cystic Myopathy, a disease for which there is not only no cure, but there is barely any disease. Or, that my grandma got run over by a reindeer. That was a shocker: it was April! But, what really clinched it for me was probably..."
All of the suspects in 32 Division held their breath. (Police resisted the temptation, because, if they did it for long enough, their faces would get lost in the colour of their uniforms.)
"The death of Doris Roberts," Bratwurst concluded. "Yeah, people know her mainly from Everybody Loves Raymond, but she was really versatile actress, and her death hit me hard. Really hard. What room did you say 2016 is recovering in? I...just...want to pay it a visit and...and see how it's doing..."
And, everybody breathed normally again.
Complicating the investigation is the fact that each of the suspects have their own reason for wanting to punch 2016 in the face. "Merle Haggard, Anita Brookner, Keith Emerson, George Martin, Ken Howard, Gary Shandling - alone or in combination, their deaths make powerful motives for a wide variety of people to engage in violence," an unnamed source at the police station said off the record. "In fact, the more I think about it, the more I want to take a shot at 2016 myself!"
Many Hungarians want to punch 2016 in the face because of the death of Nobel Prize winning author Imre Kertesz. Some people in the Congo feel the urge to punch 2016 in the face because of the death of world music star Papa Wemba. Some Torontonians are motivated to punch 2016 in the face because of the passing of broadcaster Wally Crouter. Everywhere, the anger is palpable.
Experts are divided on the value of this kind of personal violence.
"Punching a year in the face may give you momentary satisfaction," said Alternate Reality News Service advice columnist Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour. "But, once that moment has passed, you have to live with the year for, well, the rest of the year. Angry years can be petty years - expect milk to go bad, stocks you own to dip precipitously and intermittent Internet kittens every day for the next six months!"
"I don't know anything about any catharsis," countered Alternate Reality News Service advice columnist The Tech Answer Guy, "but I do know that punching something that bugs you in the face - I mean, right in the face, not in the side of the head, or the shoulder, or the kidneys, or anywhere else somebody with bad aim might punch, but right, straight in the face - can feel fantastic!"
UPDATE: Police investigation of a spike in 2016's vital signs has led it to believe that one or more members of the hospital staff have punched the year in the face. "Oh, sure, I was a big fan of Patty Duke," admitted Doctor Gaspar Noe-Ittall, "but her death wouldn't cause me to abandon the Hippocratic Oath. You...you do believe me...don't you?"