by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer
It was a strange day in the Coliseum. Kittenus Cuticus' drone had clearly been bested by the drone of top flight gladiator Atticus of Sparta; it was leaking oil and wobbled uncontrollably. Yet, when Emperor Gaullus Maximus gave the thumbs down sign, Atticus lay aside his drone controller and watched as Cuticus proudly flew his drone back to the ground, where he shut it off and returned it to its case.
"I've never seen anything like it," said sportscaster Bob Costus, excited but with an undertone of apprehension. "I mean, when Emperor Maximus gives the order to kill an opponent's drone, you kill the opponent's drone. Gladiators deciding on their own whether to end the existence of another's drone? That would be anarchy! What's next? Female drone gladiators?"
In fact, females have had their own drone competitions in Gaul, but I'd hate to spoil Costus' rhetorical question with an actual fact, so let us set that aside for the time being.
Atticus' drone was heavily favoured by Vegus (that would be Lucius Vegus, oddsmaker to the Emperor): it is a huge black affair with the latest laser and projectile weapons. Cuticus, on the other hand, had a smaller, blue-grey model with previous gen lasers and low-powered energy shields. Moreover, Atticus had won his previous 19 battles in the arena, while Cuticus had yet to be tested in public; it was assumed that Atticus would have been more comfortable wearing the viewing goggles that allowed him to watch the battle from the drone's point of view.
When asked why he spared the other drone, Atticus looked at the floor of his cell and answered, "I dunno. It just kinda felt like, you know, the right thing to do." When pressed, he stated: "Kittenus, he...he made me think. I hate thinking. I wanted to destroy his drone - smash it into a million pieces. But, then, he made me laugh. And, I...I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm in big trouble, aren't I?"
That's for the praetors to decide.
Angelica Nonsensicus, Emperor Maximus' press secretary, held a meeting in which she explained to journalists that Cuticus' drone would be executed immediately, and that Atticus and his drone would be sent with the Legion to someplace far, far away. Narnius was mentioned. "Gladiators cannot be allowed to make their own decisions about whose drone can live and whose drone can die," Nonsensicus argued. "That would be anarchy. And, what would come next? Female gladiators?"
After a couple of moments of uncomfortable silence, she added, "Outside of Rome, I mean." This broke the tension in the room.
In the undercard, Cingulate Cortexus lost a close drone battle to Michelin Tahyer, while Bassel Faultus easily blew the drone of Perdon-Mai Officur out of the sky. Those bouts will soon be forgotten, however, as both sides in the drone debate used the Atticus-Cuticus battle as an excuse to trot their political positions out in public once again.
"Drone battle in the arena is barbaric!" argued Ellust Causicus, principle secretary for the Popular Front for the Liberation of the Judean People. "Surely, the Roman people no longer need to satisfy our blood lust through such spectacles - we have political primary campaigns!"
"Drone battle in the arena isn't barbaric enough!" countered Violenz Domesticus, spokesman for the Judean People's Popular Liberation Front. "There are no spurts of blood - oil gushing everywhere doesn't have the same dramatic impact! No human limbs getting hacked off - you think watching a drone lose its tail fin gives the same visceral pleasure? Where did you study - in a gymnasium run by Plodicus the Fool? Yes, by all means, stop this nonsense with drone battles, so we can see what civilized people really want: human beings hacking each other to pieces!"
Drone battle was introduced into the Coliseum arena by Emperor Ellactric Cirkus - yes, it was that long ago. Some people just don't when to move on.
I tried to get into the restricted area of the Coliseum where Cuticus was being held, but the Centurions at the gate refused to let me in. After greasing some palms (cooking oil being in short supply in the capital at the moment), I was given entry, but it didn't help: a large mob of people, most laughing, surrounded the drone star, and I couldn't get near enough to ask him anything.
If he isn't executed within the next 24 hours, this Kittenus Cuticus could bear watching.