by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Fine Arts/Literature Writer
For the first time in history, the number of people on Twitherd offering services to promote authors is larger than the number of people on the micro-messaging service who actually, you know, write stuff.
According to a survey conducted in July by the polling firm Cassandra Nostradamus Pincushion, 3,452,627 writers' little helpers were registered to use Twitherd, while a mere 3,452,609 writers were. Among the Web sites offering help for authors was: The Thrilling Roller Coaster Ride of Writing; Character Assignations; The Write - Oh, Stuff It; Penn to Paper; Sell Your &%#$ing Book, Already, Why Doncha?; The Mile High Author's Club; Club an Author to Life; Authors, Cornered; Imaginationosity; The Writer's Life (Still Resisting Becoming a Plumber Like Your Parents Wanted?); Alias Wordsmith and Jones; and; Baby's Arm Holding an Apple Productions.
"Bad, bad, this is so bad," commented Henri de la Yogapantalunes, creator of The Writer's Bed and Breakfast. "There is so much competition that we have to pay writers to use our service. We have to pay writers! It's unnatural! Not to mention demeaning. So, so demeaning..."
A second set of Web sites has been created to help authors find Web sites that help authors that best suits their needs. ‘They're going to judge us?" de la Yogapantalunes protested. "Who are these people? What are their qualifications?"
Felippe Flapdoodle, creator of Writers' Theseus, raised an eyebrow. A very expressive eyebrow. Very ironic. An eyebrow I found myself agreeing with: anybody could start a Web site claiming to help writers. If they want to be successful in such a competitive environment, shouldn't they provide better value for the money they're asking for?
"What are you talking about?" de la Yogapantalunes protested. "Use our service, and we will tweep about your book to our over 250,000 Twitherd followers!"
Yes, but how many of those are, you know, verifiable human beings?
"Verifiable human beings? What do you mean?"
CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA: You know, actual people who are actually active on Twitherd. Not accounts that haven't been active since Napoleon was in diapers, plotting to use his tin soldier's to take over his sister Elisa's teddy bear's tea party. Not spam accounts; there's so much competition in the field, they've run out of Nigerian princes and are now making up countries to pretend to be royalty from! (Have you considered offering your services to them?) And, certainly not the Twitherd accounts that you have created yourself.2
DE LA YOGAPANTALUNES: Oh. Those verifiable human beings.
CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA: Yes. Those verifiable human beings.
DE LA YOGAPANTALUNES: Oh, don't sound so cynical. Our Twitherd followers list includes at least...11 verifiable human beings - 12 if you count my dog Mittenspuss - he's more verifiably human than a lot of people I meet at industry virgin sacrifices!
CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA: An expected wave of mergers in the3
An expected wave of mergers in the industry has yet to happen. "Yeah. This is the condition of perfect competition Adam Smith wrote about. The bastard! So many people competing that none of their businesses are worth taking over!" explained Midge Flanken-Schmeissner. "Besides, who would want to merge with a reprobate like Henri de la Yogapantalunes? My ovaries dry up a little at the very thought!"
"The feeling's pari-mutuel, sister," de la Yogapantalunes scoffed. "Speaking of which, you have any idea who won the third race at Upsom Downs? Papa's gotta pay this month's ISP bill..."
What do writers think about the situation? "You...you actually want my opinion?" asked Iron Raymond, who writes non-creative fiction. "Nobody has ever asked me for my opinion before. I mean, I'm always happy to talk to reporters, but I kind of thought they were mythological creatures, like minotaurs and honest politicians. You really want me to answer a question? Wow. I -"
You're right: asking a writer what he thought was a big mistake.
Notes
1. No writers' egos were harmed in the research for this story. Well, no writers you've ever heard of, in any case...
2. This passage appeared to be a dialogue, so Funk and White's Journalistic Auto-formatterTM changed it to script form. That's Funk and White's Journalistic Auto-formatterTM: formatting text so you don't have to...actually pay a human being to do it.
3. Oh, Jesus begesus, no! This is not dialogue - this is straight up prose. In fact, it's the prosest prose I've seen since Ed Murrow reported on his first diaper change! I'm making an executive decision: no more triple suicide chili dogs before noon! And, I'm getting us out of that ridiculous script! Funk and White's Journalistic Auto-formatterTM? Hunh! Worst $12.39 I ever spent! Guess I'll have to rehire all those editors (well, all two of them, but that's still three editors too many!). Too bad you can't slap computer programmes - now, where did I put that intern?