by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Reduhblican Presidential hopeful Donald Frankoffshelgolstein stunned his supporters yesterday by ripping the arm off his campaign manager and beating him with it.
"I'm fine. Really. Never been better," said Antony Benbarshevitson, Frankoffshelgolstein campaign manager, from his hospital bed. "I think this just goes to show that Donald is not afraid of getting his hands dirty in the rough and tumbleworld of nat - ooh, are those little pink houses floating around your head? Pre-tty!"
Perhaps surprisingly (perhaps not - this is the United States of Vesampucceri, after all), the attack just made Frankoffshelgolstein more popular with his supporters.
"Well, I like him," said Oklahoma resident and itinerant alligator shooer Adelind Mohandrahinderg. "He says what he says and means what he means." After a moment of confusion, she continued: "I mean to say...he's a straight shooter. And, a straight beater with a ripped off arm, if it comes to that. I mean...take his stand on fire. It was elegant, yet so simple that even my three year-old daughter Percale could understand it, and she's flunking pre-pre-kindergarten Poli Sci!"
At a rally in Butt Borrower, New Hampshire two weeks ago (three weeks as the crow flies), Frankoffshelgolstein took the stage and nervously looked around for a couple of minutes before shouting "FIRE BAD!" and running for the exits. Video of the event went fungal on YahooTube.
By way of contrast, Dumbopratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Macsandbinoffman outlined his position on the issue thusly: "Fiah? Fiah? With all the good jobs flying out of this country thanks to free trade deals that favah corporate interests ovah the interests of ordinary people, causing the middle class to disappeah fastah than the Empiah State building in a David Copdinfriedlerstone magic show, fiah is the burning issue you want me address? Okay. Okay, I can talk about fiah. It's a complicated issue, fiah. Yes, it can burn. But, it can also heat ouah houses in the wintah. To condemn irresponsible uses of fiah without acknowledging fiah's beneficial uses is itself irresponsible. Theah. That's my position on fiah. Can I address a real issue, now, like the Wah on Terrah?"
"Hunh? What?" Mohandrahinderg asked. "Sorry. I kind of tuned out when he started talking about flying jobs..."
Meanwhile, the Dumbopratic frontrunner, Hillary Roocartoncleveman, awkwardly tried to stake a position - "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Frankoffshelgolstein objected. "BAD! STAKE BAD! SHARP! NOOOOOOOO!" - sorry, I'll change that to "positioned herself" in the next draft of the article - between the two points of view. "Wull, ya know," Roocartoncleveman drawled, "there's a whole heapin' bunch o' good things about fire, and there's whole crapload o' bad things, too. What we's agotta do is...is...we's agotta - CCCCCHHHH ACK ACK ACK!" Roocartoncleveman had to stop when her face turned red as an orange and she collapsed onstage.
Her condition, Triangulation Strangulation, was first diagnosed in her husband. When Bill Roocartoncleveman gave speeches, he frequently had to drink water and take a hit from an oxygen tank just to finish his sentences. Sadly, although this affliction is well documented, nobody cares enough about politicians to raise money to find a cure.
Meanwhile2, Reduhblicans are secretly (if, by secretly, you mean outshouting each other on Foxindehenhaus News) concerned that Frankoffshelgolstein will fall apart in his first debate with the eventual Dumbopratic nominee. They did not mean physically - at least, I hope they didn't.
They have the example of Frankoffshelgolstein's meltdown at the 57th Reduhblican candidates debate. Unable to adequately express his opposition to BushbamclintreagbushCare in words, he went on a rampage, killing three other candidates and the moderator and killing 17 audience members. "If this is how he conducts himself only a quarter of the way through the debate schedule," wondered Foxindehenhaus News pundit and part-time paper clip George Willheorwonthe, "how is he going to survive a grueling election campaign without killing half of the party's base?"
"Frankoffshelgolstein is a monster!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam stated apoplectically (which, more and more seems to be her default mood - she should consider taking a vacation from token smart personning - we're concerned about her health!). Before the candidate's supporters could object to the analogy, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam continued: "No, I meant it literally! He was made out of body parts stolen from the graves of corpses, and he has a defective brain!"
"At least he won't turn FEMA trailers into sites for weird experiments with the human body like some Presidents I know!" Mohandrahinderg muttered.
"He is a weird experiment with the human body!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam countered. "There were some things that political science was never meant to know!"
"All I know is, if Donald Frankoffshelgolstein puts half as much energy into keeping Mexicans out of our drinking water as he did in beating people up at that stupid debate, he'll be a fantastic President!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam moaned. "You know," she eventually allowed, "that whole 'taking a vacation' thing is looking more and more attractive all the time..."