by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
Water. Kind of important.
The question is: how to get the fresh stuff from the north (where, thanks to the global climate change-induced melting of the polar ice caps, those Canadian bastards have it in abundance) to the south (where, thanks to the global cimate change-induced increase in temperatures, Vesampuccerian are enjoying all the benefits of parched soil and uncontrollable forest fires)?
"Not by pipeline, that's for damn sure," said Dumbopratic Missouri State Senator Amy Kluboursealstodeath. "Can you imagine what a catastrophe it would be if a water pipeline burst near a nuclear waste storage facility?" Senator Kluboursealstodeath clearly didn't trust in the can-do imaginations of the Vesampuccerian people, because she quickly explained that a flood of water could erode the foundation of a nuclear waste storage site (undermining the cohesiveness of the duct tape keeping it together), and that could only lead to one thing: cats with telekinetic powers fighting with dogs that can fly and shoot heat rays out of their eyes on the streets of YourTown, USV to determine which species would have the privilege of sleeping at the foot of your bed that night.
"But, what really worries me," Senator Kluboursealstodeath concluded, "is the possibility that the Carrie cats and Superman dogs will figure out that together they can take our beds away from us and use them themselves!"
It is possible to transport water by rail, but that creates its own set of problems. "Y'all ever done seen a basement flooded by...water?" Reduhblican New York Senator Hughie McBenIbnsohnfly stated. "It's like livin' in a dang rainforest - people do. Oh, sure, people do. But their quality o' life ain't nothin' to write home about - cause they ain't no dry paper ta write on fer one thing!"
Senator McBenIbnsohnfly asked us to consider how low the property values would go in a neighbourhood where a water tanker derailed, flooding the basements of every house in the six and a half block radius (give or take a townhouse or two). "Lower than a earthworm runnin' agin me in a primary cause I t'weren't considered ‘folksy' enough ta win a general all by my lonesome, that's how much!"
You know, considering how much they claim to trust in the wisdom of the Vesampuccerian people, politicians sure seem to like explaining things to them. At length. With graphics.
Objections to pipelines and rail transportation are sometimes lumped together in a movement known as NIMBYism (Not in My Barbecue, Y'all); perhaps if they were prepared with a finer rhetorical masher, this wouldn't happen, but political protest is a dish best served cold cocked. It's not that NIMBYs object to progress, it just that they don't want progress to interfere with parties out on their patio.
"A pipeline would be a sensible way to get water from Canada to the southern states," said New Mexico NIMBY Julio Lagoncorquatli, "as long as it went through Ireland!" Why Ireland? "France already has the trans-Atlantic peas and carrots pipeline."
"Of course, we respect the decisions of the Vesampuccerian people," said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harpomurlever.1 "Still, you need a resource we have in abundance. Surely, we should be able to come to some understanding on how best to get it to you."2
"A different solution to the problem would be to change your lives and lessen your dependence on foreign water," pointed out token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "You know: rethink your need for a green lawn, use communal swimming pools, don't throw used...uhh...personal items of a personal nature down the toilet. If we used water less frivolously..."
"Nyuh uh. Ain't gonna happen." Senator McBenIbnsohnfly snorted
"Why, that's just crazy talk - no, worse: it's treason! Profligate use of water is as Vesampuccerian as...as...as not being able to finish a metaphor!" Senator Kluboursealstodeath retorted.
"You'll get my sprinkler system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers in my meticulously kept grave!" a bumper sticker on a car I cut in front of on the way to the office exhorted, and the driver's honking was authority enough for me.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam nodded to herself as if she had known all along that this was the best reaction she could expect.
Notes
1. TRANSLATION FROM DIPLOMATICESE: Get it together, people! If we're not able to sell our freshwater to you, you idiots are going to tank Canada's economy and spoil my chance of re-election!
2. TRANSLATION FROM DIPLOMATICESE: Understand this, pal: I have no intention of allowing a waning world power to screw my up my re-election plans. You don't want our water? Fine. I can always negotiate a trans-Atlantic pipeline to send it to Ireland!