by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
Prendergast Eroika has a terrible secret. He does not talk about it to his family. He does not talk about it to his friends. He has been in therapy for seven years, and he has barely talked about it with his psychotherapist. It's the shame that dare not speak its name for fear of getting maimed by a blame game with a lame dame.
You see, Prendergast Eroika has a telephone landline.
"WHAT!" Eroika freaked out. "We were supposed to be discussing people who listen to white noise after Easter! On super duper double dare background chatter! My...unfortunate circumstance wasn't supposed to be the subject of an article!"
Yeah, but this is more interesting.
"Oh. Well. Can't argue with that," Eroika - ahem - dialled the emotion back.
According to a recent report by the Weisenheimer Research and Stray Cat Neutering Institute called "Celling Your Soul: Why Some People Don't Seem Able to Land(line) Modern Communications Technology," 97 per cent of North Americans, and at least 78 per cent of Philadelphians, own cellphones rather than land lines. You've heard of "early adopters?" The remaining three per cent are known to researchers as "late letters go." Although early adopters have hogged all the limelight, late letters go have their own handshake, secret decoder ring and graphic representation:
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Students of ancient Persian limericks will recognize this as the "Pot Belly Curve." "It was originally called the 'Boob Curve,'" the Weisenheimer report pointed out, "since it applied to such a wide variety of foolish human behaviours. Then, owing to feminism and a strange topographic coincidence, that name became politically toxic. As long as beer drinkers and pig farmers don't become better organized, this name should last for the foreseeable future."
Late landline abandonners inhabit the top left corner of the curve. The dark, dimly lit, grimly foreboding part. The part that nobody wants to live in for fear that they will be robbed, beaten and left for dead on the side of the axis - or, worse, be referenced in late night talk show monologues. Oh, the horror! Why would anybody choose to live in this neighbourhood of the curve?
"Many reasons," Eroika cheerfully stated. "What if an EMP pulse -"
An EMP?
"That's right. An EMP pulse. What if -"
No, no, no. It's known as an EMP.
"That's what I said. EMP -"
Oh. Okay, then.
"Pulse."
That's not what it is. It's just an EMP.
"I wouldn't say it's just an EMP pulse. That thing can cause a lot of damage!"
Have it your way. If an EMP...pulse did wipe out the electronics in your city, then you'd be able to talk to the seven other people who have land lines - assuming you know who they are. And, assuming you don't get forwarded to call waiting because they're trying to call somebody else with a landline. And, that they're sitting by their phones and not roaming the streets panicking with everybody else. What do you think the odds are that one of them actually knows how to stay alive in the chaotic aftermath of an EMP?
"Well, it's not as impressive as I thought it would be when you put it that way..."
According to the Weisenheimer report, late letters go are generally timid people who fear change. They hunker down in their storm cellars to watch The Twilight Zone, Battlestar Galactica and The Odd Couple (all original series) on VCR while eating TV dinners and drinking New Coke. Their clothes are always 20 years out of date and they only have sex in the missionary position. They -
"Hey!" Eroika interjected. "I'm from Ottawa!"
Okay, that would explain it, too.
Although it would appear to paint a negative picture of late letters go, the Weisenheimer report actually refers to them as "the canaries in the Chardonnay." After apologizing for writing under the influence of Alanis, they wrote: "In maintaining their death grip on old technology, it's like they're saying to us, 'Hey! You! Yes, you! The one with the new technology! No, not you - the other you - the one on you's left...although, I suppose you'll do - okay, either of you! Have you ever given any thought to what you've had to give up in our rush to be part of the 97 per cent of people who have this technology?' We can't actually see any downside to not having a landline, but we're glad to have at least considered the question."
"I...I just had a choice between buying a cellphone and eating this month," Eroika stated. When we pointed out that if he got rid of his landline, he would be able to afford a cellphone and food, he snapped his fingers and said, "By anchovies, you're right!"
Aaaaaaand, as Eroika raced out to the nearest cellphone shoppe (which, owing to their ubiquity, was only three doors down), we realized that we had just invalidated the basis of the whole article! Honestly, when will we learn to keep our bright ideas to ourselves!
NOTE: Alternate Reality News Service Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni would like to assure readers that revealing confidential sources is not official ARNS policy. Nancy Gonglikwanyeoheeeeeeeh will be disciplined for this lack of journalistic integrity....just as soon as Brenda stops laughing.