by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Ninety-one per cent of Canadians have told a poll that they believe people who are suspected of doing Vaguely Naughty Things, people who support people who are suspected of doing Vaguely Naughty Things, people who are suspected of supporting people who are suspected of doing Vaguely Naughty Things, people who are suspected of having wet dreams about doing Vaguely Naughty Things, people who are suspected of supporting people who are suspected of supporting people who are suspected of having wet dreams about doing Vaguely Naughty Things and, of course, metalheads should be taken to the curb of the street where they live and spanked. Sixty-seven per cent said they should be spanked with a barber poll while 38 per cent - almost a third of Canadians - said they should be spanked with a rabid titmouse.
"The people have spoken!" exulted Prime Minister Stephen Harpomurlever. "And, if I may say so, they were both articulate and well-mannered. And, pardon me if I wink creepily, here, but they were kinda cute."
"Bill CD-51 is a knife to the heart of our democracy," Opposition leader Thomas "Randy" McMuldougtonbent stated about the proposed law referenced in the poll. "A dirty shiv of a knife carved out of the slat of a prison cot! I mean, where is the government oversight of this spanking plan?"
"I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you," the Prime Minister smugged for the cameras. "It could be considered by some people to be supporting people who are supporting people who are suspected of doing Vaguely Naughty Things."
"Are you threatening a Member of Parliament?" huffed McMuldougtonbent. "Why...why...why, I have a good mind to make a complaint about this to the rules and procedures committee!"
Prime Minister Harpomurlever shrugged for the cameras. "It's your bottom..."
Why would anybody support Bill CD-51's attack on due process of the law? ...we asked in a way that in no way would suggest that we supported people who were suspected of supporting people who were suspected of having wet dreams about doing Vaguely Naughty Things. The first 27 people we approached denied that they had responded to the poll; five of them denied that they had been alive for the past decade.
"People who do Naughty Things upset my day," explained Reginald Bebopfoofarap, a glass snow sculpture artist of no fixed IQ, when we finally found him. "I have an absolute right not to have my day ruined by other people's Naughty Things."
But isn't the idea of Vaguely Naughty Things too...well, vague? That could encompass many things that shouldn't be illegal, couldn't it? And, what exactly does supporting people who are only suspected of doing Vaguely Naughty Things even mean? ...we asked with absolutely no intention of supporting people who were suspected of blah blah blahs.
"If we're to win the War on Naughty Things," Bebopfoofarap intoned, "we must support the government's initiative to gain sufficient freedom to stop them before they happen. Honestly, what's the point of punishing people after they have ruined my day with their Naughty Things?"
Wow. You sound just like the government ads meant to drum up support for Bill CD-51 that have been playing on radio and television every two minutes for the past four months. Could it be that you voted in favour of the bill in the poll because the ads have created an atmosphere of fear between your ears? ...we asked in the hope that...the sincerity of the innocence of our previous askings would make the government look the other way this time.
"I suppose that's possible," Bebopfoofarap allowed, quickly placing his hands over his ears. "What's your point?"
"A wise man once said that people who would trade liberty for security deserve a thorough spanking," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "I think the sentiment ended rather badly, but the beginning contains a lot of wisdom."
"Aha!" exclaimed Prime Minister Harpomurlever. "If even a token smart person agrees with the way we're waging the War on Vaguely Naughty Things -"
"I didn't say that!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam protested.
"Then the nine per cent of the population that didn't support our legislation in the poll has to see the error of its ways!" the Prime Minister triumphantly exulted. He was having that kind of day.
"The chest bumps with his cabinet were unnecessary," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam moped. To herself, as it happened, because by that time the attention of the press had shifted to