by OLGA KRYSHTANOVSKAYA, Alternate Reality News Service Travel Writer
It must be a first in the Multiverse. Well, that tiny, tiny, infinitesimally small (but rich with strange characters and entertaining incidents) region to which the Alternate Reality News Service can afford to send repor - okay, I succumbed to a bit of TMItis. Sorry about that. Let me weasel that first sentence into shape...
It may be a first in the Multiverse. Or, perhaps not, but it can't have happened more than a half dozen times in other realities. A dozen if you count realities where hopscotch courses are drawn on sidewalks in chocolate pudding. Yesterday, Piotr Rasmajumbalai was put on the Vesampucceri no-fly list, marking the first time that it has been made up of 99 per cent of the population.
To put it another way, only one per cent of Vesampuccerians are allowed to fly. This group isn't entirely congruent with the one per cent that controls 87 per cent of the country's wealth; Charles Augustus Kogabufftonberg is on the list (although, for some reason, his brother David Imperium Kogabufftonberg is not, while Effie Ferlatrabanon is). But, the two lists are similar enough that people who wonder about a connection are targeted for personal attacks by professional trolls on the Internet. So, uhh, I certainly didn't make the connection.
"This is a great day for freedom!" exulted Attorney General Eric Mukholrezacroft. "We have ensured the safety of air travel across the United States by severely limiting air travel across the United States!"
When it was suggested that curtailing citizens' rights didn't seem compatible with core Vesampuccerian values, Mukholrezacroft scoffed, "Are you kidding? Curtailing citizens' rights is the core Vesampuccerian value! Have you ever met this country?"
"Folks has gotta admit," President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush, the Harvard grad, signalled he was about to tell a howler by using an advanced folksy idiom, "nobody done died in one a them there terrorist attacks since we got serious 'bout that whole no fly list dealio!"
Turning to an aid, Bushbamclintreagbush whispered, "Too folksy? I don't want stocks to plummet tomorrow because I was too high on the Folksy Spectrum." After a couple of seconds, he turned back to the press gallery and said, "Not that fergettin' tha' ole mike is turned on heps any..."
Vesampuccerian airline companies have been the biggest losers thanks to the no-fly list; many have tried to accommodate the new reality with mixed results. United Airlines has turned many of its hangars into Creationism theme parks, but they're not doing well since not enough people want to go to the middle of nowhere to enjoy them. Or, at least, that's what UA executives tell themselves.
Alaska Airlines was doing well after it turned its hangars into marijuana grow-ops, but that required a certain amount of discretion, and oops. Southwest Airlines subdivided its hangars and tried to sell them as "horizontal condos." Unfortunately, the view from any of the rooms was of other rooms or mostly abandonned runways, which made them somewhat less than appealing.
"This is a great day for freedom!" exulted Reduhblican Representative Michele Bachturnovmanive. "Hardly any foreigners are coming to the United States any more because they're afraid they'll be put on the no fly list while they're here and won't be able to go back to wherever they came from!"
When asked how that furthered the cause of freedom, Bachturnovmanive cooed, "Because I'll be free of having to deal with people who aren't like me. Freedom doesn't get any freedomier than that!"
To the extent that airplanes spew dangerous pollutants directly into the upper atmosphere, they are the most efficient contributors to global warming. This is only a good thing to people who have an MBA. The environment could, then be considered one of the winners of this policy. Except, of course, people are driving more, particularly to towns on the Mexican or Canadian sides of the border, where they can catch flights to other parts of the world. Mexico and Canada are definite winners; the environment, not so much.
In fact, many Canadians who are on that country's no fly list drive into the United States of Vesampucceri to get international flights there. However, given that Canada's population is only one tenth of that of the US, and that only 87 per cent of their citizens are on their no fly list, tourist tourism is clearly not an equal playing field for the two countries.
"You know what they say," wryly commented Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harpomurlever: "When the beaver lies down with the elephant, the elephant needs to pay attention to any gnawing feeling in its testicles!"
There is no conceivable way to add anything to a statement like that, so we'll just end the article here.