by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Canadian Prime Minister Rocky Ruiz was about to throw in the towel when she realized that it would cost the government $27.84 to pay a private company to pick it up. Instead, she draped it around her shoulders.
"I'll make this quick," the Prime Minister said, "because, frankly, the rental on this room is driving up the national debt. International Blah Blah Blah, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, has served notice that it plans to launch a challenge under WAFTA to employees of the government pushing paperclips, claiming that it hurts the profits of their Clerks, Cliques and Cliches Division. We cannot afford to defend ourselves against the challenge. Since pushing paperclips around was our last function that had not been challenged through a trade agreement and privatized, the government of Canada officially dissolved as of noon today."
If you listened very closely, you may have heard the intake of breath from one or two of the journalists in the room - very closely, mind, because most of the reporters were surprised that the government had actually lasted this long.
"What?!" said the average man on the street, who, in this case, happened to be a woman, but she was wearing a fedora low enough to cover most of her face, so you can understand our statistical error. "I had no idea! How is this possible?"
Had you not noticed that prices for government services had been steadily increasing?
"Well, yeah, sure," the average man/not actually a man on the street answered. "I just thought the government was, you know, gouging me in order to pay down the debt."
But, didn't it occur to you that even though fees for government services were rising, the debt wasn't actually getting smaller?
"Umm, no, I, uhh, hadn't really noticed," the average person of improperly labelled gender, if we're being completely honest about it, said. "If I had given it some thought, though, I probably would have assumed that the government had given some of the money to its cronies, or government officials kept some of it for themselves. They were always underpaid...or, at least, they seemed to think so."
Actually, services were being contracted out to private companies. The government of Canada ended with a national debt so big, it would cross your eyes, if I could uncross my eyes for long enough to read the piece of paper on which I had written it.
"That's crazy. I would have expected private companies to improve government services if they took them over, but they've been getting worse for years. Why, just last week, I spent two months waiting for somebody to complete the paperwork so I could get my driver's licence. In the meantime, I had to be driven around by a nearsighted penguin, and, frankly, the amount of gas he uses when I'm not around could get him to the Arctic and back!" Gender confusing people on the street can be adorably naive, can't they?
Canada's is the 76th national government to dissolve in the face of its own irrelevance. However, this is no reason for complacency, argued Rob Grobbe-Brabbe, President of the Galactic Chamber of Commerce.
"Only five national governments dissolved in the face of their own irrelevance in the last month," Grobbe-Brabbe pointed out. "Twelve national governments dissolved in the face of their own irrelevance in February. At this rate, the world won't be rid of national governments for another seventeen years and three months! Five months if you include continental drift in your calculations!"
Is the imminent demise of governments a good thing? You may have a vague sense of loss, but not a single economist, political scientist or peripatetic paper pulper would speak out publicly in favour of governments. In fact, most cowered under their desks and tried to insist they weren't there when we came around to ask them about it.
"Hunh, interesting," former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, who started the Canadian fetish for entering into trade agreements that limited the government's ability to regulate commerce, commented. "You know, I'm glad I'm dead so I don't have to actually answer for this..."
What will former Prime Minister Ruiz do now that she no longer has a government to lead? "I've been considering dentistry," she told the Alternate Reality News Service. As a career? "No, I've had this pain in a back tooth for several months, now, and I really think it's time it got taken care of!"