by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution Writer
The Floundering Fathers of the American Insurgency have had another bad week. The Battle of Chelsea Creek ended with the colonial rebels being pushed back, having not achieved their objective of capturing the British schooner Diana.
Despite this setback, leaders of the American Insurgency are as convinced as ever about the righteousness of their cause.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men were created equal," said General George Washington.
"Taxation without representation must be banished from this land," said Thomas Jefferson.
"Give me liberty, or give me death," said Benjamin Franklin.
What are you doing about it? I inquired.
"I pray to the angels of our better natures that they will help us overcome the British tyrant," answered General Washington.
"Every morning I say 20 affirmations about how good I am, how good the people of this country are and how much we deserve our liberty," responded Jefferson.
"I am constantly putting thoughts out into the universe about how much I love freedom and want my freedom and deserve my freedom," replied Franklin.
And, how did that work out for you?
"Our troops were overrun at Fort Ticonderoga," General Washington claimed.
"Notes for the Declaration of Independence were confiscated by British authorities," Jefferson told me.
"I was thrown in jail," Franklin stated.
Ouch. Who do you blame for these...setbacks?
"Myself," General Washington admitted. "My prayers were obviously insufficiently pious...or frequent...or some other quality of which I am not currently aware, to enable us to prevail."
"Myself," Jefferson allowed. "Perhaps I should have said 30 affirmations rather than the paltry 20 to which I dedicated myself daily."
"Myself," Franklin acknowledged. "If I had some way to amplify my thoughts on freedom so that they resonated more soundly with the universe, perhaps the outcome might have been different. I was actually experimenting with some techniques that may have helped me in that way - unfortunately, the authorities do not allow kites to be flown from prison cells."
Ah. Yes. Well, those are very worthy answers, but, if you will allow me, I would suggest another possibility: that the man who is responsible for these debacles is the man who has been advising you!
Deepak Choprah Robbins looked up from his creme brulee (it wasn't that he supported the cuisine of the European aggressors so much as he detested the desserts of the colonies: pumpkin pie, pumpkin tart, pumpkin sherbet, pumpkin sorbet, pumpkin flan, pumpkin cake, pumpkin cookies, chocolate dipped pumpkin slices, pumpkin crumble and ice cream that didn't have much pumpkin in it, but, as a compensation, was flavoured with mongoose intestines), and said, "I couldn't help but notice your use of bold type - clearly, you have a problem with anger."
This article is not about me. It's about -
"No, no, no, no, no, my friend," Choprah Robbins interrupted. "Everything is about you. You are a human being on this planet who deserves as much love and respect as any other being on this planet. If you'll just let go of your anger -"
No, no, no, no, no back at you, not my friend. If people like George Washington weren't so busy sending affirmations into the universe, they might have been stronger leaders who wouldn't be losing the Revolutionary War!
Choprah Robbins shook his head sadly. "You know, when I first met George Washington, he was putting too much negative energy out into the universe. I advised him that he would be better off working on his daddy issues."
Better off working on his daddy issues than founding a new country that could serve as a beacon of sanity in an irrational world?
"You understand."
No! No, I do not understand!
Choprah Robbins shook his head sadly, delicately mopping a dribble of crème from his chin with a lace handkerchief. "Clearly. Listen. You cannot achieve your goals if you are constantly being negative. That negativity undermines everything you do. So, the first step in any revolution, whether personal or national, is to purge yourself of the negative thoughts that are holding you back.
But, you have to act! The most positive emotions in the world won't do anything if you don't put all of your attention and effort into actually doing something!
"Again with the bold faced type. Are you sure you don't want to explore the events in your childhood that caused you to feel such anger?"
"Hmm..." Franklin pondered. "I'm beginning to think that we have been going about this revolution business all wrong..."
"Put all of our attention and effort into action, eh?" Jefferson mused. "Yes, a change of strategy might help us better achieve our goal of freedom..."
"Can somebody please help me escape the confines of this prison?" General Washington asked. "The damp is playing havoc with my dentures!"