by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
How cool would it be if, when you were falling from a great height, your pants ballooned and slowed your descent enough that you wouldn't be smashed to the ground like a watermelon shot out of a literary canon? (On the advice of the Alternate Reality News Service lawyer, we will not ask how you ended up falling from a great height because privacy. When we asked him how a hypothetical person falling could have a privacy issue, he put his hands over his ears and loudly repeated, "La la la, not listening! Habeus corpus, baby. Habeus stinking corpus!"
We decided not to press the issue.
"Instead of pants with ridiculous properties saving hypothetical people from absurd dangers," said neo-Laddite Mercury "Melissa" Pontoons, "wouldn't it make more sense to research things that would ben)efit more people? Like child-friendly crushed glass?"* ** ***
But...these pants are programmable. They are made of lycra nanobots that can configure themselves to deal with a wide variety of situations, including:
The pants contain a crude artificial -
"If innovation isn't on your agenda, you need a new calendar app!" enthused technoevangelist Dan Topscatt. "As the Bible truly says, it's easier to pull demand through the eye of the tiger than...umm...it is for a...err - you know, the Bible is so old media! Have I told you about how I get my demographic kicks?"
Thanks, Dan, but we've got this.
The pants contain a crude artificial intelligence - it sounds like it was programmed by Armando Iannucci - that compares your current situation to its database of disasters. When it finds a match, a preprogrammed response is triggered.
"Do we really need pants that blare Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' whenever your wife talks to you about taking some time away from the relationship to find herself?" Pontoons asked. "Wouldn't it be better to, you know, deal with the problems in your marriage?"
The application of technology is not necessarily futile in that situation. The pants could, for example, expand into the shape of a relationship counsellor, complete with a desk and diploma on the wall. A few sessions with your pantal therapist could -
"Exactly! This is just the kind of out of the box and into your lap thinking that I advocate!" Topscatt interrupted. Again. "Take my proposed blockandtacklechain system, a simple 27 step process for making data secure. If this were fully implemented, it would impact negatively on unemployment - at the very least, think of the programmers and accountants who would benefit!"
Yeah, okay, Dan. This is not the place to -
"If your intention is to improve data security, wouldn't it be easier to just strengthen current encryption methods?" Pontoons asked.
"Hunh!" Topscatt scaffed. Err, scoffed. "You clearly have no faith in the power of an idea, an idea that can be exploited in books, newspaper articles, blogs, t-shirts and a specially branded line of edible footwear!"
Curiously, fashion designers seem loathe to embrace programmable pants. "Actually, it makes perfect sense," Pontoons argued. "Why put your designer logo on an item of clothing if somebody can press a few buttons and change it into a different designer's logo? Their limited amount of athe is perfectly understandable."
Well...okay, that. Curiosity is clearly overrated...
* Sorry for the tardiness of the close bracket. It was out late last night and, when we asked it where it was and what it had been doing, it ran to its room and slammed the door. Then, it awoke too late this morning to take its proper place in this article. What can we say? It's adopted.
** Neo-Laddites are modern day followers of techno-realist Alan Ladd. Their philosophy of appropriate technology use is culled from his writing in the pages of Flirt and FHM, and in such classic films as Shane.
*** Sorry for the proliferation of footnotes. I have a cold. It probably came from eating poorly prepared footwear...
Or, for those of you who cling to the imperial system of measurement:
* ** *** Sorry for the tardiness of the close bracket. Neo-Laddites are modern day followers of techno-realist Alan Ladd. It was out late last night and, when we asked it where it was and what it had been doing, it ran to its room and slammed the door. Sorry for the proliferation of footnotes. Then, it awoke too late this morning to take its proper place in this article. Their philosophy of appropriate technology use is culled from his writing in the pages of Flirt and FHM, and in such classic films as Shane. I have a cold. What can we say? It probably came from eating poorly prepared footwear... It's adopted.