by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The Republican majority in the House of Representatives is set to vote down an amendment to a bill that would codify the Three Laws of Robotics.
"Without this amendment," said its sponsor, New York Democratic representative Isaac Asimov, "the field of artificial intelligence will be the wild west. If any of you have seen The Wild Wild West, you know that can't be good!"
James Cameron, a Republican representative from California, has been leading the opposition to the amendment. His argument is that once artificial intelligences are sufficiently advanced, they will destroy the human race, so research on them must be stopped immediately.
"Do you think an unstoppable AI - let's call them...I don't know...exterminators - do you think exterminators - no, that's too long. Not pithy enough. Let's call them...exters. Do you really believe that exters intent on wiping out the human race will be stopped by an amendment to an interstate trucking law?"
Ah, yes. The Three Laws of Robotics are an amendment to an interstate trucking law. Why? "We, uhh, thought that transporting AIs across state lines would be a good way of getting at the root, err, problem of...of...of..." Representative Asimov tried to explain. Then, he threw up his hands and said, "You know, I have several graduate degrees, and I still don't understand so much of what happens in this city!"
For those of you just tuning in, the three laws of robotics are:
1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm, unless it would make for a more dramatic story.
2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law, unless that would be boring.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law, and it can find no creative interpretation of this law that would effectively allow the robot to circumvent it.
The amendment has also received opposition from within the Democratic Party. Delaware Representative Rudy Rucker spoke for this group when he said, "We're talking about AIs that are sufficiently advanced that they have a kind of sentience. I like to think of these AIs as beboppers, but, uhh, that might confuse some people with a jazz musical style, so let's call them...beoppers. Yeah. That sounds about right."
Representative Rucker argued that saddling beoppers with rules of behaviour would be like putting a hypnotic suggestion into human beings that they must not harm chickens, they must always obey chickens and they must protect themselves as long as doing so doesn't interfere with the welfare of chickens.
"While that's undoubtedly great for poultry," Representative Rucker dryly commented, "it doesn't say much for human free will!"
"Free. Will. Schmee. Will," said British AI opponent Lord Steven Hawking. "Ar-ti-fi-cial. In-tell-i-gence. Is. A. Men-ace. To. All. Life. We. Must. Stop. All. Re-search. In. This. Field. Im-me-di-ate-ly. Or. Risk. Ann-i-hi-la-tion."
Representative Rucker scoffed at this. "We don't need advice," he said, "from the country that could end up being responsible for the destruction of the European Union!"
Lord Hawking sighed, a sound that reminded those within a three mile radius of a garbage compactor. "I. Have. Con-tem-plat-ed. The. Be-ginn-ing. Of. The. U-ni-verse. I. Have. Tra-veled. In. My. Mind. To. The. Heart. Of. Black. Holes. And. Even. I. Do. Not. Al-ways. Un-der-stand. How. De-cis-ions. In. This. Coun-try. Are. Made!"
Expecting certain defeat in the House, Democrats are petitioning President Obama to adopt the Three Laws of Robotics by executive order. In his final year of office, the President seems much more willing, quite eager, in fact, almost childishly gleeful to, if you want to know the absolute truth, use the power of his office to -
"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there," Representative Cameron interjected. "The House will reject any attempt by the President to impose a solution to this problem. As a former filmmaker, the fact that the American government works this way makes perfect sense to me."
"We will never accept artificial limits on artificial intelligence," insisted Representative Rucker as he put artificial creamer in his coffee, sitting in an artificial leather chair on an artificial lion-skin rug sitting behind a faux mahogany desk. "We have to keep things real!"
As gridlock keeps the American government from acting on this issue, the Japanese have produced an artificial intelligence that can take care of the elderly, write situation comedy and organize labour unions. Before the government can resolve this issue, Americans may be forced to deal with a local remake of a Japanese sitcom about a union of elder care workers!