"And, that was Metallica with the song 'Enter Sandman.' You're -"
"Sorry to contradict you, Dick, but that Metallica song was 'Unforgiven.'"
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure, yeah."
"Whatever. All Metallica songs sound alike."
"You're not too thrilled with the format change, are you, Dick?"
"Headbanging hurts, Dick. Somebody needs to tell the suits in corporate headquarters - headbanging hurts!"
"Put it on a t-shirt, man. The suits won't listen, but maybe you'll make a little income to tide you over those long months of unemployment. Okay, you're listening to 95 point two two, C-DIK, Big Dick Radio. I'm Jean-Claude 'von Dick' De-La-Skibol..."
"And, I'm -
"
"Mmm, honey. That was great!"
"Oh, yeah!"
"Did we just get interrupted by a porn movie?"
"Wait for it, Dick. Wait for it..."
"Want a cigarette?"
"WHAT? Why would you spoil the moment like that?"
"Spoil - I - what?"
"You know I'm trying to quit smoking!"
"No, I didn't know -
"
"Not in so many words, maybe. But, why do you think I threw that soup bowl at your head when you lit up at dinner?"
"I thought - no, no point in telling you what I thought."
"Aaaagh! Sometimes I want to just strangle you - and not in a fun way!"
"Are you trying to quit smoking, but having trouble dealing with the bastards who aren't? Maybe you should try the Nickeldime Mouth Patch. When you feel the craving for nicotine coming on, simply remove a Nickeldime and place it firmly over your mouth. The craving should go away in an hour or two, at which point you can feel free to stop breathing through your nose. And, maybe talk to other people."
"The Nickeldime Mouth Patch should be used as part of a smoking cessation programme employing willpower. Lots and lots of willpower. The Nickeldime Mouth Patch is the official smoking cessation tool of Admiral Palpython of the Imperial Storm Drainers. Be sure to check out Bogus One: A Star Blap Story, in theatres December 13."
"Wow. It makes me want to take up smoking just so I can use one of those things to quit!"
"That might cut into the film's intended audience of three to seven year-olds, Dick."
"Even better!"
"Okay. I'm sure I don't want to know. You're listening to 95 point two two, C-DIK, Big Dick Radio. I'm Jean-Claude 'von Dick' De-La-Skibol..."
"And, I'm -"
"Hi, there. Have you ever been walking along a street, minding your own business, when you were momentarily distracted by an elephant sideswiping a schoolbus and walked into wet cement, only to wrench you ankle as you jumped out of it and into the path of a bicyclist whose momentum threw you to the side where you broke your back getting wrapped around a telephone pole? You might think that this was just a series of unfortunate events, the sort of thing that happens all the time, but I know that it was actually a heartrending tale of suffering that tested the limits of human endurance and deserves to be compensated for. Very heavily compensated for. I'm Aaron Giltridden, the Series of Unfortunate Events lawyer. If something like this happens to you, call me for a free consultation. Other than my consultation fee. The bicyclist, the cement layer, the elephant - the more unusual your accident, the greater the number of people who deserve to pay for what they did to you! And, remember, we only get paid...when we bill you for our services."
"Aaron Giltridden, the Series of Unfortunate Events lawyer, is the official representative of the Pantaloon Rebellion. To learn more about the brave, if outnumbered, outgunned and arguably outacted freedom fighters, watch Bogus One: A Star Blap Story, in theatres December 13."
"Wow. They...they're really pushing that movie, aren't they, Dick?"
"You should have been here yesterday, Dick. They tied Bogus One into the ad campaigns for a brand of whisky, a funeral home and Red Wigglers, the Cadillac of worms."
"You think the movie is any good?"
"Well, Dick, as my Granpa Dick used to say, 'Kid. The quality of a film is inversely proportional to the amount of advertising needed to sell it.' Nobody knew what he was talking about, but he did give us chocolates, so we pretended like he was wise. Those were damn good chocolates."
"Oh. So, do you think -"
"That we should try introducing ourselves again? Absolutely. One of these times, it's gotta stick, right?"
"If you say so..."
"Okay. You're listening to 95 point two two, C-DIK, Big Dick Radio. I'm Jean-Claude 'von Dick' De-La-Skibol..."
"And, I'm..."
"Do you ever have days when you're not feeling...you know...fresh...?"