Quotes Wonder If Maybe It's Time to Get Off Twitter

"If You're Considering Invading The Lavatory, Please Do It With Utmost Haste As I Have To Go..."

"I will be with you whatever." - then-Prime Minister Tony Blair to then-President George W. Bush, according to the Chilcot report on England's participation in the Iraq War

It's Adorable That You Think You Have Any Say In The Matter

"I know I don't want to be famous forever. There's gonna be a time where I feel comfortable, I'm at a good place in my life, and I just stop." - Kylie Jenner

I, Pittinger, The Fool

"The grievance in their minds - the animus, the anger - they hate white people because white people are successful and they're not." - Republican Rrepresentative Rep. Robert Pittenger, explaining violent protest in Charlotte, North Carolina

 Was He Playing "Classical Gas" On The Piano Or Did He Have Baked Beans For Lunch?
Trump Frustratingly Evasive On Details

"Iran and Iraq were very similar militarily. They'd fight, fight, fight, and then they'd rest. They'd fight, fight, fight. And, then, Saddam Hussein would do the gas. And, somebody else would do something else. And, they'd rest." - Donald Trump at his foreign policy town hall meeting

Actually, They Were (Just Not By People You Listened To)

"We see people accusing people of being racist and all kinds of stuff. When I grew up, those things weren't called racist." - Clint Eastwood

Publishers, No Longer Shackled By Editors, Are A Credit To Their Profusion

"Your elation about being ushackled from work has worn off." - lede of a Globe and Mail article about boredom

 "In the piece, writer Jenna Wortham probed the social explosion of queerness, perhaps best illustrated in the contemporary profession of gender identities: transexual, bigender, gender fluid, two-spirit, agender and so on." - Globe and Mail film review

Who Are You And What Have You Done With Our Bibi?

"Today, I am asking Arabs to take part in our society in droves. I am proud of the role Arabs play in Israel's success. I want you to play an even greater role... Respecting minorities isn't just the right thing to do; it's critical to our progress." - Benjamin Netanyahu

Expect The Chorus Line Of Singing, Dancing Hotels To Be A Highlight

"The Monopoly brand's lack of a traditional, built-in storyline allows us to explore new, creative possibilities and have some fun with the narrative." - Hasbro Senior Vice-president Simon Waters talks about bringing a musical based on the board game Monopoly to Broadway

And, How Would We Know?

"Contrary to the Star's hand-wringing protests, every day that C-51 remains law supports the argument that Canadians' rights are not being violated." - Toronto Star letter writer Don Mustill

Are You Sure It Wasn't An Allergic Reaction To Your Theology?

"God was firing a warning shot: Don't attack my anointed. Period." - Mark Taylor explaining why Fox News host Megan Kelly was "violently ill" after asking Trump "gotcha" questions at the first GOP presidential debate

 Is It Okay If They Stand On Their Hands?
How About If They Stand On Other People's Hands?

"If any of my players sit on the bench for the national anthem, they will sit there for the rest of the game." - team USA coach John Tortorella

Now, Mike, Every Seven Year-old Knows It's Not The Size Of Your Wall That Counts, It's What You Do With It

"How is a short wall going to deter migrants who have travelled in boats the size of sardine tins from reaching the UK?" - UKIP's Mike Hookem, a member of the European Parliament

The Earlier, Funnier Marx Brother

"And, what is Aleppo?" - Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson

The Silent Majority Snuck Into Harvard When The Entrance Committee Was Distracted By A Goat

"It's because it's become socially desirable, if you're a college-educated person in the United States of America, to say that you're against Donald Trump. The hidden Trump vote in this county is a very significant proposition." - Trump's current campaign manager Kellyanne Conway

And, Unlike Plantation Slaves, They Were Only Beaten Every Other Thursday

"Slaves that worked there were well fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government." - Bill O'Reilly responding to Michelle Obama's remarks about living in the White House, which was built partly by slaves

On The Advice Of His Lawyer, God Is Remaining Silent On That Last Possibility

"Whether his absence is based on absconding...or whether he was taken and secreted against his will, or whether he experienced the miracle of the rapture is unknown to counsel." - lawyer for polygamous church leader Lyle Jeffs, who has disappeared

Wave Bye Bye As The Hippocratic Oath Disappears In The Rearview Mirror

"We did not develop this medicine for Indians... We developed it for western patients who can afford it." - Bayer CEO Marijn Dekkers on its cancer drug Nexavar

Claims He Meant Newtered, As In Forced To Become More Like Newt Gingrich

"Elizabeth Warren needs to be neutered!" - Republican Representative Blaine Luetkemeyer

 If I Was Him, I Would Have Gone With The "Bookstores Are Closing At Such A Rapid Place, Where Else Are You Going To Find Quality Fiction?" Defense
(We're Both Glad I'm Not Him, But Me Especially)

"Trolling is absolutely essential. America needs more...because trolls are getting people to tell the truth these days." - Milo Yiannopoulos

 Some Day, They'll Appreciate Somebody Fighting For Their Gun Rights
You Know, When Black Communities Are Beset By Enemies From Without, And Need To Defend Themse - Oh...Wait...

"If anything, they should be flattered." - Maine gun rights advocate Linc Sample responding to the outrage against his sign that reads: "Black Rifles Matter"

Can Men Even Do That?
And, Wouldn't Women Know When They Saw That They Didn't Have To Clean The Sheets The Next Day?

"Everyone lies about sex. If you haven't lied about it, it isn't sex. Have you ever faked an orgasm?" - Carrie Fisher

 Was There A Memo?
If So, Could You Please Circulate It So The Rest Of Us Can Know?
Seriously, I Would Love To See That Memo

"If God was to choose Donald Trump to raise up and he's the one He wants to use, then who am I to say no?" - Baptist preacher Ramiro Pena