What the Heck Do You Know?
Takes Arms Against a Sea of Troubles And, By Opposing, Ends Them

1) An Arkansas judge accused of swapping sex for reduced sentences resigned Monday after a state commission said it discovered thousands of photographs on his computer that depicted nude male defendants. The judge denies the allegations, claiming that the photographs were used "to corroborate participation in community service." What sort of community service requires nudity? a) reenactments of Carry On... movies for those old enough to remember them (which has been found to be cruel and unusual punishment in only 13 states)
b) Meals on Wheels (and Cop Some Feels)
c) maybe you should ask Bill Clinton...

 2) According to a recent poll, 68 per cent of British citizens who wanted their country to leave the European Union agreed with the statement, "It's wrong to rely too much on so-called experts and better to rely on ordinary people." Why? a) facts are sooooooooooo twentieth century!
b) the guy down the street who thought that piranhas would make a colourful addition to his children's aquarium is much better suited to judge international relations and the world economy than people who have actually studied them
c) no guts, no gory

 3) When you hear that it's 25 to one, what is the first thing that comes to mind? a) "I better get to bed or I'm going to be a wreck in the morning!"
b) "That's...one in four! I like those odds!"
c) "Sucks to be the one! ...Oh, wait..."

 4) In 2015, Canada sold $48 million worth of military equipment to Hong Kong, while only selling $41,585 (basically, a small box of military grade lug nuts) to China. What is wrong with this picture? a) you keep getting your thumb in front of the lens
b) it appears as though you favour Hong Kong's aspirations for independence, which makes China very angry, and you wouldn't like a billion plus people when they're angry...
c) you have the flash set to automatic - turn it off and you won't get those ominous shadows in the background (although there's probably nothing you can do about the ominous music in the background)

5) According to Donald Trump, Barack Obama's response to the Orlando attack shows that the President "either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind." Gee, what could possibly be on a sitting President's mind? a) who let the dogs out
b) if anybody will survive the next season of Game of Thrones
c) Russia's intentions towards the Baltic states, which could involve NATO in a disastrous war
d) why Taylor Swift thought she could take on Kim Kardashian

6) I've been let go again. What am I doing wrong? a) using company servers to send emails explaining why the best running mate for Donald Trump would be David Duke
b) insisting that the agenda for the meeting where the department heads review their quarterly reports include time for a discussion of your immediate superior's great jugs
c) two words: Stalin emojis
d) all of the above - why does anybody hire you in the first place?

7) What is the case for prescription-only marijuana? a) oh, tut! The 1960s is sooooooooooo twentieth century!
b) it's not like people could grow it in the backyards!
c) if we have to make it legal for drug dealers to distribute marijuana, we want to make sure it stays in the hands of professionals

 8) The man accused of killing a British MP who supported immigration and keeping England in the European Union gave his name in court as "Death to Traitors, Freedom for Britain." Despite Mr. Freedom for Britain's statement, the charges filed against him contained no terrorism offences. Why not? a) Britain defines terrorism as "acts of violence with a political goal committed by people of colour," and he was white
b) Britain defines terrorism as "acts of violence with a political goal committed by people who are not from here," and he was British
c) Britain really needs to get its Terrorism Act together

 9) According to Tony Schwartz, the man who ghostwrote The Art of the Deal, the story it contains bears no resemblance whatsoever to Donald Trump's actual career. What are the odds that the book will be moved to the friction section of bookstores? a) since when did bookstores have a "friction" section?
i) since Bill O'Reilly started publishing
ii) since the introduction of books on the subject of fire
iii) since the introduction of books on the subject of sex
 b) better than the odds that my gut can calculate them
c) bookstores? Really? Bookstores are sooooooooooo twentieth century!

10) Hmm...you have a point, there. Okay, What are the odds that, if The Art of the Deal was moved to the friction section of Amazon.com, Trump's supporters would care? a) smaller than the odds that somebody will discover Ted Cruz' missing heart in the bottom of a box of mashed potato mix
b) worse than scientists discovering that the heart of the sun consists of marshmallow
c) not as good as Heart writing a tribute to tampons

 11) The NHL has by-passed Quebec to award a new franchise to Las Vegas. No, not that Las Vegas, the other...more northerly...not as, you know, American ci - oh, alright. Yes, that Las Vegas. What was the thinking involved in this decision? a) a game played on frozen water is sooooooooooo twentieth century!
b) if they could draft players from the Cirque de Soliel and...and...and drench them in maple syrup - yeah, that would be Canadian entertainment!
c) there was thinking involved in this decision?

12) Saudi Arabia is a member of a United Nations body on human rights, even though the country has been accused of gross human rights violations in its war in Yemen. What is the reasoning behind this apparent contradiction? a) there are no contradictions...only things that make no rational sense when you put them together...
b) it was their turn, and the torturers in Saudi prisons would be so disappointed if they were passed up for a younger, cuter monarchy
c) Iraq was unavailable

 13) In Canada, what do you have to drop in order to officially begin a federal election? a) a handkerchief demurely on the ground, while tittering behind a fan or the back of your hand
b) the name of one of the country's Founding Fathers or wealthiest families into polite conversation
c) the innocent act - you know you lust for power!

14) Where did all the Venusian water go? a) water? on Venus? Pfft! That's sooooooooooo billions of years ago!
b) Los Angeles diverted it so that citizens could have nice green lawns
c) to Casablanca for the waters (think about it...)

 15) I woke up with tiny scratches on the back of my hand with no memory of how I got them. How did I get them? a) you're a werewolf who scratched his hand stalking his prey and, like all good werewolves, you don't remember what happens when you're in your feral state
b) your cats hate the fact that you're such a heavy sleeper. Really hate it. No, but, seriously really hate it. So, they're messing with your head...
c) where are Mulder and Scully when you need them? (No, syndication isn't the answer!)

16) Now that Britain has left the European Union - maybe - it's too soon to tell, really - wouldn't you like to know? - who will be next to leave the organization? a) Yemen
b) San Diego
c) uhh...don't ask me - my kids are still in therapy because I thought piranhas would make a colourful addition to the family fish tank!

17) A recent survey found that only one third of Ontarians has a positive view of Islam, while over half believe that its mainstream doctrines promote violence. The survey concludes that the province is facing an "epidemic of Islamophobia." What could possibly be the cause of this? a) multiculturalism is sooooooooooo twentieth century, but hate never goes out of style
b) fluoride in cellphones
c) Stephen Harper didn't create human fear and hatred - can he be blamed for trying to use them to win an election?

18) The following image of Republican interns seems to be entirely made up of a single, highly homogenous group (surely you can guess what it is - do I really have to spell it out for you?). This is not true; the image is actually teeming with human diversity. Can you spot the most obviously non-homogenous group person in the group?

 a) Maria, third blob from the left in the fourth row from the back, is deaf
b) Marty, in the back left (sitting by the fire exit), believes he can shoot lizards out of his eyeballs
c) Paul Ryan, front, believes that he can convince Americans that this photo of the diversity in the Republican party represents the diversity of the country's citizens

 19) What do you call a hoverboard that doesn't hover? a) broken
b) a skateboard with pretensions
c) Segway's mini-PRO

 20) 67 per cent of Americans hate Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. 63 per cent of Americans despise Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. What is the obvious question to ask about these statistics? a) who does Hillary's hair?
b) who does Donald's hair? (And, why like that? Seriously - there's windswept, and then there's hurricaneblown!)
c) how did the choice of candidates for the greatest democracy in history's highest office come down to putting two scorpions in a bottle?