"Your witness, Ms. Henein."
"Thank you. Now, Mister Baer -"
"I would prefer to be called Big Ears Teddy."
"I'm sure you would, Mister Baer. I'm sure you would. Now -"
"Fine! Be that way!"
"Now, you have described your relationship with the accused as...his, quote, childhood anthropomorphic plaything, unquote. And, that you currently reside on a shelf next to the defendant's bed. Is this correct?"
"Yes, ma'am. I -"
"And, you have asserted that, because you were in the bedroom at the time the accusers claim they were sexually attacked, that you are a fair witness to the events?"
"Umm...I didn't quite follow everything you said, there, but, uhh, I think so? Yes?"
"Even though you're a mere childhood anthropomorphic plaything?"
"You don't have to say it like that. I didn't just come out of the factory, you know - I've been around."
"And, even though your back was turned on more than one occasion and you could not see what was happening?"
"Hey, lady! I got ears, you know! Tell you the truth, hearing the women describe what happened to them, I'm just as happy I didn't see it! Brutal!"
"We'll let the judge be the...uhh, judge of that. Now, you stated that, in one instance, you heard a large smack of skin on skin and then the accuser crying, is that correct?"
"That's what I heard."
"Now, tell me, Mister Baer, why did you think that this was a bad thing?"
"I - you - wha?"
"Have you ever heard of tears of joy?"
"I...uhh...guess...?"
"How do you know that the accuser wasn't crying tears of joy?"
"After Jian punched her?"
"Maybe she believed that his punch was a sign of his love for her. If nobody had ever loved her enough to punch her in the face, she may have been so overcome by joy that she wept uncontrollably. Do you allow this possibility, Mister Baer?"
"Sounds funky to me."
"Mister Baer, are you a childhood anthropomorphic plaything with a degree in human psychology?"
"A degree in -? No."
"Then, you're not really qualified to judge why the woman was crying, are you?"
"I know what I heard."
"Hmm. Now, Mister Baer, with regard to the other accuser's allegations, you have testified that you heard her choking. Is that correct?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you know why she was choking?"
"She said it was because Jian was -"
"I know that is what she said. But, without being able to see what was happening to her, can you say with certainty that she was being choked by the accused?"
"What else would explain what I heard?"
"She could have been choking on a chicken bone that she had accidentally swallowed at dinner."
"Did she swallow a chicken bone at dinner?"
"Exactly, Mister Baer. Exactly."
"I...don't - hunh?"
"Do you have genitals, Mister Baer?"
"Genitals?"
"You know - boy parts?"
"Oh. No. I have cousins who are used to teach children about...that sort of thing. They have boy or girl parts. But, me? No."
"Could it be possible that, in the act of making love, the woman could have been choking on the defendant's boy parts?"
"It went on an awfully long time."
"Jokes by stand-up comedians aside, some men have that capacity."
"The lady swore at him a lot afterwards."
"That's how some people show affection."
"Oh, come on, lady! I may have led a sheltered life, but even I have heard a lot of naughty words in my time."
"The point, Mister Baer, is that you can't be sure whether the accuser was being choked or just choking naturally, right?"
"I...uhh...I know what I heard."
"So, Mister Baer, you believe that the defendant did some bad things?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"Then, why are you still living with him?"
"I'm sorry?"
"If the accused is as horrible as you claim, why do you still live with him?"
"Well, I can't just get up and leave, can I? What part of 'inanimate object' do you not understand?"
"You could have asked somebody to take you away. Why didn't you?"
"I - I've lived with Jian since I was still in my original package. Where would I go? How would I live? I -"
"Had no choice?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, no. I mean -"
"How many publishers have you approached to sell your life story, Mister Baer?"
"None!"
"None?"
"A couple may have approached me..."
"You're probably going to come out of this a wealthy animal. Not bad for a childhood anthropomorphic plaything. Not bad, at all. Of course, the book will sell more copies the more luridly you can portray the accused, won't it?"
"That's outrageous! You're saying I made things up to sell books? I tell you: I know what I hea -"
"No further questions."