What the Heck Do You Know?: 20 Questions Nobody Wants Answered
1) What is "kudatah?"
a) a traditional French appetizer consisting of a sliced or whole raw vegetable which is sometimes dipped in a vinaigrette or other sauce
b) Eddie Murphy's African name
c) a quality Eric Cartman has that he demands respect for
2) Filmmaker Chris Milk said, "It's a machine. But, through this machine we become more compassionate, we become more empathetic, and we become more connected. And, ultimately, we become more human." What machine was he talking about?
a) the Keurig coffeemaker
b) the electric pencil sharpener
c) the Koch brothers Super-PAC
3) According to Ted Cruz mythology (you know, the alternate universe where he wasn't born in the United States), he spent $1.2 million of his own money on his Senate campaign. A subsequent investigation showed that he received almost $1 million in loans from Goldman Sachs and Citibank, loans he did not report. According to a spokeswoman for Cruz' Presidential campaign, the omission was "inadvertent." What larkic escapade are you most looking forward to from Cruz next?
a) inadvertently pressing the big red button that sends nuclear missiles into China
b) inadvertently watching porn when he was supposed to be reviewing CSPAN coverage of the day's Senate hearings
c) very vertently looking the other way as America's banks edge the world's financial system towards collapse...again
4) Finish the following thought in the way that best describes you: "Whenever I feel anxious and don't know what to do, I pass the _________."
a) puck
b) buck
c) truck
d) bar
e) car
f) Dutchie on the left hand side
g) other
5) A group of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Tories are trying to get the Conservative Party to drop its opposition to gay marriage from party policy. How much heartache is this likely to bring them?
a) death of a beloved pet level heartache
b) death of a beloved relative level heartache
c) death of a beloved member of the Village People level heartache
6) Black conservative author and blogger, Crystal Wright, declared the Democratic party has made "black Americans poorer, dumber and more criminalized." How did the Democratic party manage that?
a) colluding with the abolitionists of slavery: back then, black Americans had enough to live on, were better educated and knew their place
b) pushing the Voters Rights Act through Congress in the 1960s: that was just too much responsibility for black Americans to handle
c) how would I know? Do I look like somebody who knows how to read a Crystal ball?
7) A document written by senior civil servants has warned the new Liberal government to be wary of completely "unmuzzled" scientists. What was their reasoning?
a) scientists who feel totally free to speak their minds become bores at parties
b) scientists who feel totally free to speak their minds could endanger Canada's relationship with other nations, especially those where scientists know their place and do not contradict their political masters
c) science freed from the shackles of government bureaucracy will inevitably lead to a roboapocalypse, and we haven't budgeted for that
8) Match the following quote from Donald Trump with the person he was talking about:
a) "Wacky, a real nut job...mental basket-case...dumb as a rock."
b) "Love watching him fail...will be fired like a dog."
c) "Reminds me of a spoiled brat without a functioning brain."
d) "Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?"
i) Andy Capp
ii) Snoopy
iii) Richie Rich
iv) Granny Yokum
9) Match the following cheerleaders' chant with the mythical school it would most likely be heard at:
a) "Two, four, six, eight, whose mad transmogrification skillz do we appreciate? Goooooooooo..."
b) "Two, four, six, eight, whose throat do we want to aerate? Goooooooooo..."
c) "Ungh, ungh, ungh, ungh, ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh! Unnnnnnnnnnghhhh..."
i) Vampire High
ii) Zombie High
iii) Warthog's School of Second Rate Magic
10) Marco Rubio said the following about Donald Trump: "He's always calling me ‘Little Marco...' and I'll admit he's taller than me - he's six foot two, which is why I don't understand why he has hands the size of someone who's five foot two." Rubio was clearly using the size of Trump's hands as a metaphor for the size of something else that belongs to Trump. What?
a) his ears
b) his business acumen
c) his odds of beating Hillary Clinton in the general election
11) What is the next rhetorical tactic Republicans trying to erode Trump's lead in the primaries will use?
a) yo mamma jokes
b) "I know you are, but what am I?" logic
c) harsh Facebook comments
d) all of the above (because when you've got a bad thing going, why quit now?)
12) Dubai ruler Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashi Al-Maktoum has announced that the United Arab Emirates would establish a Minister of State for Happiness. Given the general disregard for human rights in his police state, how Orwellian is this?
a) glancing Homage to Catalonia Orwellian
b) partial Animal Farm Orwellian
c) full on Nineteen Eighty-four Orwellian
13) What are you doing to celebrate the International Day of Happiness?
a) there's an International Day of Happiness? Shh! - Dick Cheney must never know of this!
b) there's an International Day of Happiness? Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit heroin!
c) moving to the United Arab Emirates!
14) Jane Sanders, wife of Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders, went to see the conditions at the Arizona Tent City prison and talk to the inmates, but Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio intercepted her and showed her only what he wanted her to see while explaining why the facility's dismal condition wasn't as bad as it looked. Why would Arpaio do this?
a) he is considering becoming a tour guide when his career in law enforcement crashes and burns, and he thought this would be a good dry run to see how he liked it
b) he has long had a secret crush on Jane Sanders, and this seemed like a good excuse to spend time with her; the herding and lecturing were inadvertent
c) he is considering becoming a sheepherder in his next life, and he thought this would be a good dry run to see how he liked it
15) The governor of one of Mexico's most violent states has proposed that impoverished farmers be allowed to grow opium poppies for legal medical use. How far away could the screams from the American DEA be heard?
a) Australia
b) Alpha Centauri
c) three universes down in the multiverse
16) Which of the following quotes from a speech Prime Minister Justin Trudeau gave at the White House was your favourite
a) "...going to keep on doing these and the union the years and that dictated sitcom. and we hope in the centuries to coast. President Obama I'd love the log trucks..."
b) "He estimates. Quote. From fishing. Boat as it expanded to include maritime transport with and that's with the."
c) "This morning where there aren't against Brazil on. The in Milton and that's. We. What stage luggage. That there. Analysts."
17) In recent investi - what? Those were not direct quotes from Trudeau's speech? They were, in fact, translations ABC posted in English from Trudeau's original French text? Really? How could such a thing happen?
a) the translation software added a step, making the process go from French to Chinese before going to English
b) the translation software was programmed by a Republican
c) the translation software was having delusions of being James Joyce
18) In recent investigations, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have been using technologies that mimic cellphone towers that can trick all mobile phones within a specific radius to give up data to the police. Of course, unlike the police, such devices do not discriminate, eavesdropping on the communications of civilians and criminals alike. How does the government justify this potential privacy violation?
a) Who ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ wants ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ to ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ know?
b) ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ you! ■ ■ ■ need ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ to ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ know ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ basis ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ and you ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ don't ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ need ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ to ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ know!
c) Look! Over there! Bad guys!
19) Which of the following methods of dying happened to natives of India while they were taking selfies?
a) being run over by an oncoming train
b) falling down a cliff that crumbled into a deep ravine
c) falling down the slippery edge of a scenic river canal and drowning
d) a and b
e) a and c
f) oh, come on, you know you want to say all of them!
20) Match the quote with the politician who said it:
a) "If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them. Seriously, okay? Just knock the hell out of them."
b) if the Republican Party tries to block his nomination at the convention, "You'd have riots."
c) "There is great anger, believe me, there is great anger. As a country, we don't win any more... We're going to start winning again, this country is going to start winning again."
i) Donald "I'm a Uniter - Everybody in the Establishment Hates Me" Trump
ii) Donald "I'm a Uniter - Not an Inciter" Trump
iii) Donald "Oh, This Shit Will Never Get Old!" Trump
