When Is God Going To Act On My Prayer To Be Saved From The Political Consequences Of The Religious Beliefs Of Others?
I must admit, I would never have thought of blaming California's drought on the Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage. But, then, I'm not California Assemblywoman Shannon Grove, a fact for which at least one of us is grateful, if not both.
Let me see if I can connect the dots: legalizing gay marriage will lead to an increase in well manicured lawns three states down in Pennsylvania. Prettier lawns will lead to higher property taxes. Higher property taxes will inevitably lead to a decrease in scientific studies of the correlation between the number of videos of men getting punched in the groin by children under the age of seven being viewed on Youtube and movement in the price of soybean futures. Obviously, a decrease in such studies would lead to drought in California...by some mechanism I'm still having trouble determining. I'm not California Assemblywoman Shannon Grove, etc. etc.
When informed of Grove's statement, god responded: "Oh, good Me! You throw a few frogs and locusts and boils at people, and suddenly everybody thinks they know Your mind! Tell you what: does anybody remember a little thing called Free Will? This drought was caused by global climate change, and that was caused by - are you ready for this? - you! That's right - you made this mess. So, you can fix it! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 'friend' waiting in Aruba, and he's already really angry that I won't be bringing my Clash albums for him to listen to..."
Tricky Thing, That Risk Assessment - Best To Yank First And Calculate The Odds Later
I knew smoking was bad for your health, but it took Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Fox News...blonde person to make it clear how. Especially if you're black. And driving a car.
Okay, to be fair, police are trained at threat assessment: Officer Brian Encinia could have calculated that if motorist Sandra Bland had blown smoke in his face, forty years later he would have died in agony of lung cancer. Or, if she had burned him on the hand with her cigarette, in his rush to pull her out of her car and pin Bland to the street, Encinia might not have gotten the burn properly looked after, causing it to become infected and the policeman to lose...a couple of days of pay because he had to stay home while it healed.
I can't help but wonder what Hasselback's reaction would have been if she had been the one dragged out of her car by a cop for no reason. "I totally had it coming," she might have said from her hospital bed. "I could have disarmed him with my smile and choked him by throwing one of my earrings down his throat or...or...or strangled him with my flowing blond locks! I could have...I...I...I need help, don't I?"
Still Waiting For Some Sign That Other People's Religious Beliefs Won't Impinge On My Freedom's, God
Pat Robertson has issues with the Obama administration's support for Planned Parenthood. But, he wants you to know that they're not just his issues, they're god's issues. And, Robertson should know: he was practically there at the birth of the universe, advising god, "Do you really need so many left-handed particles?" Yeah, yeah, he's heard all of the jokes about advanced age - he's been around long enough to. Still, regardless of their age, nobody ever retires from the Bag of Crazy. Nobody shy and retiring is accorded citizenship in it in the first place.
And, yes, I know, this isn't the craziest thing Robertson has ever said. Hell, it probably isn't the craziest thing he's said in the last 15 minutes! Consider this a lifetime achievement posting to the Bag of Crazy.
Meanwhile, god, lying on a towel on a beach in Aruba, didn't bother to take his sunglasses off when he said, "I'm sorry, you have clearly mistaken me for a deity that gives a shit. I swear, give an ape a little imagination, and what does he do with it? Blame you for all of the problems he has created for himself! Yo, Pablo! Have you run out of coconut oil? You know my fair skin burns easily in this heat! And, while you're at it, who does a god have to make with child to get a refill on his mojito around here?"
