Thank you, Nicodemus Headshaver, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we saw an ad online for 3-D t-shirts that had dogs on the front that seemed to come right at you. And, we thought, Why in the name of all that is holy would anybody want to look like they were replaying a scene from Alien with a schnoodle?
Enjoy,Baudrillard Was an Optimist
Rumours of Satanic rituals portrayed as factSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/740.html]
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Director Tom Ford cut Aaron Taylor-Johnson's full frontal nude scenes from the film Nocturnal Animals because he was afraid they would overshadow the movie. How big does a male member have to be to overshadow an entire film?
"It's not so much the size that matters," Ford stated, "as it is how much additional attention my announcement will get us as the audience wanes and theatre owners are considering replacing it with more screenings of La La Land."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2017/2017/01/13/lalalatooobvious/]
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Silence Is Molten
A bill has been introduced in Congress that would eliminate restrictions on the purchase or ownership of firearm silencers. Advocates of the bill, including the President's son, argue that silencers reduce the risk of damage to the ears of hunters.
"People who use guns are delicate flowers," explained Donald Trump, Jr. "Their eardrums, which are so delicate, are precious to them. They don't want anything to interfere with their ability to boast about how many living things they slaughtered over the weekend to their friends over a beer afterwards - they want to be able to hear themselves give every blood soaked detail!"
Critics of the bill have suggested that putting silencers on grenade launchers is extreme and unnecessary. "Where is the kaboom?" said Marvin, Representative of Mars. "I was expecting a big kaboom!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2016-12-12-next-up-silencing-dissent_x.htm]
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Oddly Enough, Hillary Clinton Was Not Reassured
In testimony to Congress, Director James Comey, when asked if the FBI was looking into Russian interference in the recent election, responded: "I would never comment on investigations - whether we have one or not - in an open forum like this, so I can't answer one way or another."
The Absurd Ironyometer, which had forgotten the EpiPen it needs to counter an allergic reaction to gall, momentarily fainted and had to be revived with a pot of Chamomile tea and a video segment from the latest episode of Samantha Bee's Full Frontal.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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If It Has To Be A Flaming Load Of Something, It May As Well Be Tasty...
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Of Course Not
He'll Get The Secret Service To Ensure That There Are No Reports On Such Activities
Did you hear about the report of a West Virginia man who was arrested on charges of felony obscenity after filling a syringe with semen and squirting it at at least two women in Walmart? The perpetrator told police that he believed one of the women displayed "exhibitionist characteristics and wanted to be noticed."
This will never happen when Donald Trump finally becomes President!
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2023,95847,20.html]
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Woman's Lawyers Clearly Phoning It In
The widow of a man killed in the terrorist attack on Brussels is suing the telephone company, slamming the utility as "a tool and weapon of terrorism."
She claims in the suit that the telephone is Islamic State's communication, recruiting and marketing arm. Utilities like the telephone and electric companies are increasingly under fire for not doing enough to stop terrorists from using them.
"The conduct of the phone company was a direct, foreseeable and proximate cause of the wrongful deaths," the lawsuit said.
We considered interviewing somebody from the utility to give it the opportunity to defend itself, then we thought, Naaaah! Why undermine the sensationalism? That's not what we were taught in tabloid journalism school!
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2017/01/12/509727.html]
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An Endangered Species, Perhaps, Such As A True Liberal
As a gift for Canada's 150th birthday, geneticists at the Hospital for Sick Children have mapped the genome of Castor canadensis - the Canadian beaver. This is the first time that the animal's genes have been explored.
Unfortunately, this gift cannot be returned. It can, however, be exchanged for the genome of an animal of equal or lesser value.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=2244H3EC-4C125-21K5-AAA1074614B711111]
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Then, The Gun In His Pocket Went Off, But He Wasn't Wearing Levis Jeans, So It Couldn't Be Considered A Protest
Gun owners, angry that Levi Strauss & Co has asked customers not to carry firearms in its stores, have vowed that when they accidentally shoot themselves or others, they will do their best to aim for their asses.
"Getting shot in the ass is embarrassing enough," said Internet troll Scott Stage. "If we can take a pair of Levis out of public circulation, so much the better!"
When Levis countered that this campaign was exactly the reason the company felt the need for the ban in the first place, that people shooting themselves and others in the ass contributed to "an unsettling environment for many of our employees and customers," Stage went ballistic.
"Of course openly carrying guns creates an unsettling environment!" Stage shouted. "We're Americans, dammit! Shopping in unsettling environments is protected by the Second Amendment!"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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