Thank you, Joachim F. X. Nolan, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we remembered when fake news was called by its true name: propaganda.
And, we felt old.
Enjoy,Kudos Go To The Tool In Power
Donald Trump is taking credit for saving jobs at the Esquimault Power Tools Plant in Texas. "I'm awesome!" he tweeted that evening. "Look at me Making America Great Again! #usuckdemocrats! LOL"
"Umm, yeah, I had to temporarily lay off Curly, Shemp and Moe because of cash flow problems," explained Deliverance Esquimault, owner of the plant. "But I told them they would be rehired when things picked up, and they were."
While he acknowledged that Trump had nothing to do with the hirings, of which, in any case, there were only three, Esquimault said that he was happy he voted for the President-elect, commenting: "Sometimes, you gotta Make America Great Again one false job creation claim at a time!"
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235, Esquimault-ohoh]
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The Tape Recorders Will Be Allowed To Make Editorial Comments...The Next Time A Democrat Is In The White House
Wall Street Journal Editor-in-Chief Gerard Baker has stated that his newspaper will be a stenographer for the Donald Trump White House.
"I think it's...up to the reader to make up their own mind," Baker explained, "to say, 'This is what Donald Trump says. This is what a reliable, trustworthy news organization reports. And you know what? I don't think that's true.'"
In a related story, The Wall Street Journal announced that it would be firing all of its Washington correspondents and replacing them with tape recorders. If this works for them, they may replicate it throughout all of their other bureaus.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/majunder-asshat1.html]
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You See? Nature Finds Its Own Solutions (To Problems That We Created...)!
The bad news: because the ice that is the traditional home for seals has been receding at an alarming rate, polar bears have to scavenge, often among the garbage in cities, in order to find food to eat. When their carcasses are available, polar bears are now using whales that have washed up on beaches as an alternate source of sustenance.
The good news: for reasons that aren't entirely clear, but may have something to do with all of the sounds that increasing human ocean traffic is making or all of the pollution we spew into the planet's water system, a record number of whales are beaching themselves. So, for the foreseeable future, hungry polar bears will be able to feast on a whale buffet.
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=477]
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Politics is like an iceberg: most of the important stuff is hidden from view.
What you see: Congress announces a bill gutting the ethics committee. House Majority leader Paul Ryan says, "We've got a majority and a president whose ethics are even more questionable than our own - nyah nyah, we can do whatever we want!"
The next day, Congress announces that it will not be going ahead with the bill gutting the ethics committee. House Majority leader Paul Ryan much more soberly says, "Wow. Umm. You people take this whole ethics committee thing pretty seriously, don't you? Okay. The will of the people and all that. The ethics committee shall live to censure another day!"
What you don't see: The day the bill was announced, President-elect Donald Trump got on the phone with House Majority leader Paul Ryan and said, "Duuuuude, you're really harshing my vibe with this ethics committee stuff! Wait until your first budget and cut its funds in a line item so deep in the fine print that dwarf miners won't be able to find it! In the meantime, if anybody comes under investigation, do what you always do with the actions of the ethics committee: ignore them!"
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=900&dir=bb]
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One Relationship, Strings Attached
Yoyo relationship: a relationship with somebody who keeps friending you on Twitter, then unfriending you, then forgetting they already friended you and starting the cycle again. EXAMPLE: "Josephine friended me on Twitter. Cool. Then, she disagreed with me about Michael Fassbender's ruggedly handsome looks, so she unfriended me. Okay. Whatevs. Then, a week later, she forgot about our argument and friended me again. But a few days after that, we got into another argument about whether Vladimir Putin should be named Vice President of the United States, and she unfriended me again. But, she must have forgot again, because this afternoon she friended me once more. I'm telling you, these yoyo relationships give me vertigo!"
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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The Next Four Years Will Be Like A Shepherd Leading Administration Critics To The Slaughter
Farmer-in-Chief-elect Donald Trump has nominated Jay Clayton to watch the henhouse. "Jay is well qualified to watch the henhouse," Trump tweeted, "and I'm sure he will do a bigly excellent job."
Critics of the Trump administration have pointed out that Clayton is a fox. "The Farmer-in-Chief-elect is showing a callous disregard for the well-being of the hens!" said neighbour Bernie Sanders.
But, then, what would one expect from a man who nominated Jeff Sessions, a well-known butcher, to care for his hogs?
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It's Not Like It's Serious Satire Or Anything
The news report opens with an image of a member of Daesh making a bomb in his small apartment. Then, it moves on to explain the devastating consequences of recent suicide bomb attacks on major European cities.
Some people applauded the report, but many condemned it.
"It's too soon for journalism," stated a visibly disgusted Mary-Ellen Martini. "Have some respect for the victims of ISIS attacks, or at least the friends and family members who are still in mourning - they shouldn't have to wake up to in-depth description and analyses of the deadly events!"
SOURCE: Girls With Eyepatches
[http://www.girlswitheyepatches.com]
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You See? It Works!
The Director of the Office of Government Ethics has warned that not enough time has been allotted to properly examine the backgrounds of Donald Trump's cabinet picks before they are scheduled to be confirmed by Congress. He is concerned that the rush to confirm may leave some nominees with "potentially unknown or unresolved ethics issues."
In response, Donald Trump tweeted, "Have you had a Bellybuster Burrito at Burrito Barn? Too many veg, not enough steak. Sad."
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB112410057491162704,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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