Thank you, Bryan Molruney, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we went to the doctor for our annual checkup and were turned into a human sieve! We were inoculated for everything from the flu and tetanus to zombieism and common human decency. The doctor had to swab us so many times that we left her office smelling like we had been in a bar all day! Next year, instead of going to the doctor, we are going to spend all day in a bar - if you have to do the time...
Enjoy,It's The "I'm Rubber And You're Glue" Policy: Whatever You Say Bounces Off Me And Sets Peace In The Middle East Back 30 Years...On You!
Donald Trump has nominated a rubber stamp which reads "Benny Netanyahu rocks!" as his Ambassador to Israel. In the past, the stamp has promoted the idea that Israel should annex Saudi Arabia as part of a vision of "Greater Israel," and has argued that American Jews who disagree with Netanyahu's policies towards the Palestinians are "worse than the Jews who collaborated with Hitler. I have no idea what could be worse than Jews collaborating with Hitler, but they're them!"
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu praised the appointment. "There's an empty space on my desk that would be perfect for the sta - I mean, the new Ambassador!" he said.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1598809598485]
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Not To Be Confused With The Archie Comics Character, Who Licks Salt Off The Rim Of Tequila Shots
Moose in Alberta have been warned not to lick salt off BMWs. Salt on the imported vehicles has hallucinogenic properties that have made some moose believe that they can see squirrels flying around their heads.
"Volkswagens and Subarus are fine," said Lougheed Provincial Park Ranger Sue-Ellen Mashberries. "We're getting weird results from moose licking salt off of Honda Civics - we're still not sure what that is all about. And, BMWs? BMWs are right out!"
Is anything being done about the problem? "Seriously? Adult moose weigh between 750 and 1100 pounds," Mashberries scoffed. "You tell them that they shouldn't be licking the salt off of cars!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3EC-2C147-20K5-AAA1982014B712345]
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That's A Bit Of An Exaggeration - I'm Sure There Must Be Newspapers In Your Imaginary World That Are All Over That Story!
Q: How is it that Hillary Clinton made a secret pact with the devil to sell Christian babies to Bashir al-Assad for weird Middle Eastern death cult rituals that will end in the destruction of the universe and not a single mainstream media outlet covered the story?!!!!!
A: Because you just made the whole thing up?
Q: Oh. Yeah. That could be it.
A: Nice reference to Syria, though. Very topical.
Q: Oh. Thank you. I try to stay current.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Umm...No?
Between the 1930s and today, the number of people who believe that it is "essential" to live in a democracy has plummeted in many western nations. In the United States, for example, it dropped from 74% to 26%; in Britain, it fell from 73% to 26%. This is an alarming tre -
"Aww, don't get your panties twisted in a topknot!" American citizen (for now) Dexter Archambeault interrupted. "My grandfather fought in the Great War to preserve my right to believe in fascism!"
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,democracy-is-hell]
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We Tried Getting Them Help, But In The 80s We Concluded That It Just Wasn't Worth The Expense
A Toronto Councilor has proposed that the city round up homeless former psychiatric patients and use the federal government's assisted death law to "help them on to the next phase of their spiritual journey."
"Some people may object to injecting former mental patients with lethal chemicals in a safe hospital environment," allowed Councilor Joe Nathan Swiff. "But it's more humane than having them live in constant fear of being gunned down by a policeman in the street!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088595961813
&call_pageid=960205278492&col=964376972154]
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THEN: The intelligence that the CIA has given us proves irrefutably that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction. If we do not invade Iraq to stop him, he will use them against the United States!
NOW: The CIA believes that Russian hacking was done deliberately to help Donald Trump get into power? Puhleaze! The CIA got it completely wrong on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction!
THEN: The contras are freedom fighters, the equivalent of Nicaragua's Founding Fathers. If we are not allowed to support them against the Communist Sandinista government overtly, we will have to find ways of supporting them covertly.
NOW: The CIA believes that Russian hacking was done deliberately to help Donald Trump get into power? Big whup! The United States has been interfering in the politics of other countries for, like, forever!
My, oh my, how times change.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=896&dir=bb]
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Hard To Choose A Single Dingbat In The Cast
10pm. HBO. Alt-Right in the Family. Junior gets into a fistfight at school when his friend Bubba accuses him of making out with Shaniqua, a black transfer student, in the back of the chemistry lab. Meanwhile, Archie has to bail Granpa Joe-Bob out of jail because he was too slow to avoid capture by the police, who caught him red-handed spray-painting swastikas on the side of a synagogue. Hilarity ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Having The Governor Get Seltzer Water Down His Pants Before Signing Every Bill Was A Nice Touch
Having stripped the Democratic Governor of much of his decision-making power, the Republican-dominated North Carolina Senate has passed a further law mandating that Roy Cooper wear a full clown costume whenever he makes public appearances.
"That includes the wig, nose and big shoes," said State Senator Schmuel Schmendrick. "The Governor cannot shirk his duty, as properly mandated by the democratically elected institutions of the state. And, in any case, it's not like we passed the amendment that he must suck helium all the time so that his voice sounds like a cartoon character - we're not inhumane monsters!"
The law is expected to be challenged on the grounds that the legislature has no power to determine how the Governor behaves in public when he is not conducting the business of his office. However, given that the Senate also passed a law that State Supreme Court decisions must be written entirely using dialogue from old Three Stooges movies, it is unclear how such a challenge will fare.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=1ec1ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657cc48ec]
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