The Daily Me - Tilapia Incongruess

Thank you, Tilapia Incongruess, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the US Lumber Coalition petitioned the American government to impose duties against Canadian softwood lumber producers. And, we thought, Whoa! Is it possible to have an acid flashback without actually taking acid?

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The Daily Me Staff

Enrolment Lists Would Be A Good Place For The Government To Find Domestic Terrorists...Shh...

POLISCI 1012. Introduction to Nazism. Are you attracted to fascist ideologies, but uncertain how to manifest them in your life? This twelve week course will cover such basics as: how to spray paint a proper swastika on a wall; how to make the Nazi salute without poking somebody's eye out; how to insult people online in order to create maximum outrage rather than laughter; et al.


No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! This is not how you draw a swastika! How hard can it be? Really, it's only two lines! Call yourself a Nazi, and you can't even draw a swastika?!! This is why you need to take our course!

For more information, contact: The New School for Antisocial Research.

SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders

[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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But, I Just Came Back From A Month-long Vacation In Wonderland, So My Perceptions May Not Be The Sharpest

Under attack in the Commons for the government's position on acquiring replacements for its aging CF-18 fighter jets, Defence Minister Harjit Sajjan stated, "If anybody thinks we are not going to have any unforeseen situations, think about 9/11, when we had to put every single fighter in the air."

So, to honour its election pledge to have an open and transparent competition for the replacements for the CF-18s, the government is going to accept a single bidder. And, to justify this, they are citing an incident that happened 15 years ago in another country, an incident that our air force really didn't have any part in.

Makes perfect sense to me.

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2016/11/26/cfsnowoldenoughtodrink161126]
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How Soon Can We Drain The Swamp Between Their Ears?

13 is bad luck) President-elect Donald Trump is expected to announce billionaire investor Wilbur Ross as his choice for Commerce Secretary. Ross is known as the "king of bankruptcy" for buying, restructuring and selling off steelmakers and other fading industrial companies. Why do I hear alarm bells going off? a) you're in a burning building
b) you're in a burning economy
c) you're living through a "all merchandise at low, low prices - make us an offer because everything must go!" moment, and you're part of everything

 13 is worse luck) List the following quotes from Australian politician Pauline Hanson in the order in which they were expressed: a) "We are in danger of being swamped by Muslims who bear a culture and ideology that is incompatible with our own."
b) "There is a serious danger that we are about to be swamped by Ventrosian Squiggles. They come to Earth with a culture, an ideology and a physiognomy that are just not compatible with ours."
c) "I believe we are in danger of being swamped by Asians. They have their own culture and religion, form ghettoes and do not assimilate."

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Lately, America-Watchers Have Been Depraved Of Good News

Tear gas, rubber bullets and large water hoses have been used against people protesting the building of an oil pipeline on federal land claimed by natives in Standing Rock, North Dakota. At least 17 protestors were taken to hospital, some for hypothermia, one for a serious arm injury. County Sheriff Kyle Kirchmeier said of the police tactics that, "We are just not going to allow people to become unlawful."

When asked if he would have acted the same if the protestors were primarily people of pallor fighting for the cause of white nationalism, Sheriff Kirchmeier replied, "Course not! Whites got a lawful right to protect theyselves from them there deprivations of government!"

After he was taken aside by a deputy, with whom he conversed for several seconds, Sheriff Kirchmeier continued: "I'm sorry. I seem to have...I misspoke myself. What I meant to say was: I don't answer questions about hypotheticals."

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer

[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2016Nov27.html]
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Then, The Network Cut To The Chase...Manhattan Bank Ad

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP is talking with his senior adviser STEVE BANNON.

STEVE BANNON: Donald, we have a problem.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Mike been talking about using a nuke on an abortion clinic again? I thought I made it clear to him that that would have to wait until our second term!

BANNON: It's worse than that, sir.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: What could be worse than laying waste to half a state?

BANNON: There are rumours that somebody in your cabinet has exhibited tendencies towards...compassion.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Compassion? That's just sad! I handpicked my cabinet members using the Levenson Self-Report Psychopathy Scale. If any of them had any compassion, it would have shown up in my vetting pro -

SECOND TRUMP walks into the scene.

SECOND TRUMP: Lame. Lame. Lame. Lame. Lame!

BANNON: You can't walk in here like that!

SECOND TRUMP: Why not?

BANNON: We're live, man!

SECOND TRUMP: So what? You've been biased - attacking me without attacking the Democrats. Sad. Very sad.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Donald, we talked about this in rehearsals. In the first place, we're not a news organization and we have no responsibility to be balanced. Second, you won. The President always gets the most attention. Third, wanna talk about a bunch of losers? The Democrats are holed up in some two-bit hotel drinking cheap wine and crying about how they would have won if independent Gary Johnson hadn't siphoned votes from Hillary.

SECOND TRUMP: So? Make fun of that.

BANNON: That would be like kicking puppies.

SECOND TRUMP: Yeah. So. Your point is?

BANNON: We can't kick puppies! That's just...wrong!

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Steve! Are you the member of my cabinet who has been showing compassion?

BANNON: What? Wait! No, I meant it...it...it wouldn't look goo -

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Thank you, Second President Trump, for helping me find the member of my cabinet who had been showing compassion.

BANNON: I wasn't! Honestly! I'm the least compassionate prick you are ever likely to meet! I was just thinking of...of your public image! I -

SECOND TRUMP: (shakes head, mutters) Lame.

SOURCE: Weekends!

[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227679]
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