The Daily Me - Amanda Palpatine

Thank you, Amanda Palpatine, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we couldn't help but notice that today's update is dominated by news about the American election. You probably think that you have to get it now because, after November 8, everything will be decided and life will return to normal.

Some people find such naivete endearing.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Hillarious Ballot Hijinks

Remember when the Republican Party was run by adults?

Yeah, neither do I.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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We Wanted To Tell Him That We Were Just Kidding About The Gunman Being Black, But We Were Afraid The Congressman's Head Would Explode

A man wearing a Hillary Clinton shirt and carrying a 357 magnum ("The most powerful handgun in the world," according to arms expert Harry Callaghan) stood outside a voting location in Virginia. The man was saying, "Who are you going to vote for? That orange sack of putrescence?" and handing out Democratic sample ballots.

Republican Congressman Scott Rigell shrugged and said, "My heart tells me that I should stop somebody from campaigning for that Clinton woman. But, my other heart - no, wait, I only have the one. Well, my...my left ventricle tells me that Virginia is an open carry state, so he has every right to be the -"

Did we mention that the man was black?

Congressman Rigell blinked. "Say what?"

The man carrying a big gun outside an early polling station was black.

"My sweet baby lord!" Congressman Rigell shouted. "Somebody send some cops - better yet, a SWAT team - out to take down that terrorist bastard! Thinking he can come to this country and try and intimidate voters - I'll bet he was a Muslim, wasn't he? Why isn't anybody doing anything about this? This has to be stopped NOW!"

Then, the growing foam in his mouth made it impossible for Congressman Rigell to continue to speak.

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

[http://www.dnn.com/2016/ALLPOLITICS/11/02/reps.main/index.html]
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(Doctor) Strange Days Have Found Us

3 to get ready) A bulletin distributed by a San Diego Catholic Church claimed that Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was doing the work of Satan and that Catholics who vote Democrat will go to hell. By law, churches are not allowed to support political candidates; those that do could lose their tax-exempt status. What is likelihood that that will happen? a) as likely as Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Prize for Literatu - oh, wait...
b) as likely as a flaming racist misogynist narcissist having a realistic chance of winning the presidency of the United Sta - oh, wait...
c) you know, when you're looking down the barrel of the End Times, anything is possible...

 4 to go...you know where) Ted Baehr, chair of the Christian Film & Television Commission has given the film Doctor Strange a -4 or "Abhorrent" rating, claiming that it is "a dangerous introduction to demonic occult deception." If he was a Marvel comics villain, what would his character's name be? a) the Hellinator
b) the Killjoy
c) Ted Baehr wouldn't be a Marvel comics villain - they have to have some credible motivation, after all

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Partisan Cluelessness Has A New Poster Child

"That's such a ridiculous conflation. To just throw the rape1 word in there when we've got 650,000 emails2 based on an active investigation of Huma Abedin's pedophilia husband because he's sexting pictures of himself to some 15-year-old girl in North Carolina,3 I think that's just ridiculous." - Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway4

Notes

1. Actually, a December hearing has been granted for a woman who claimed that Donald Trump raped her when she was 13 years old.

2. Nobody knows what's in those emails. Plans to stave off a rabid raccoon attack on Washington? Rumours about the next incarnation of Gilmore Girls? Bundt cake recipes? Nobody but the FBI knows, and they're not telling.

3. Anthony Weiner has yet to have to answer to these allegations in a court of law, unlike See Note 1.

4. Conway was appearing on a CNBC show hosted by Andrew Ross Sorkin. Some may argue that specific allegations of rape are more serious than vague allegations of email wrongdoing. Some clearly has a liberal bias.

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=888&dir=bb]
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It Was So Thin That If He Was A Potato Skin - Go With Me On This - You Wouldn't Be Able To Taste Him

I don't want to say that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has thin skin, but he once threatened to sue clouds because it looked like they would rain on his golf game. Oh, yeah. He banned Donald Duck from his rallies because he didn't want to be upstaged by an older cartoon character. You don't remember that? Trump once said he knew more about the Bible than god, and when the Pope suggested that that was unlikely, he called the head of the Catholic Church a loser who wouldn't dare say something like that outside the Vatican.

In fact, Donald Trump's skin is so thin, I'm surprised that more people don't see right through him.

SOURCE: Cohan

[http://teamcoho.com/video/opening-monologue-11-02-16]
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Not To See The Danger, You'd Have To Be In A Comey

Police State, Your Case

James Comey has a reputation for being a straight shooter.
He says he had to reopen the Clinton email investigation because of what he found on Huma Abadin's computer,
So, we are supposed to believe it must be true.
The fact that many of his underlings
Were about to, at Clinton, the dirt fling -
Well, do I have to draw a map for you?

How to respond to the most obvious FBI interference with a democratic election to date?
Welcome to the new police state.

Senior officers in the FBI, so white, so male,
Could not stand to see a woman prevail;
So, mere days before the election, they had, for Clinton and the Democrats, a surprise.
Although the issue of her email use had been thought dead,
It once again reared its ugly (not to mention pointless, partisan) head,
And the fortunes of the long moribund Republican Party began to rise.

Do you think national police interference in the democratic process is great?
Then you're going to looooooooooove the police state!

Now, for cops, blacks won't be throwing any parades;
They've been living in a police state for decades.
For them, this kind of behaviour (and worse) is nothing new.
And for natives throwing cops a party, there's no hurries;
They have been living in a police state for centuries,
And have no love lost for our boys in blue.

Better never, I would have thought, than late;
Still, whites now know what it's like to live in a police state.

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/719.html]
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