Thank you, Scovel Turi, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, as Presidential campaign stunts go, it was...too many adjectives to fit comfortably into a single sentence, so we're going to go with original. Truly one of a kind. Before his second debate with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump held a séance to try and contact the spirit of Vince Foster, whose death anti-Democratic conspiracy theorists have long claimed the Clinton's were responsible for. Unfortunately for the Trump campaign, the only things the spirit deigned to say were: "Avast ye scurvy dogs, ye'll never get yer hands on me lanyard!" and "Potay-to potah-to!" over and over again. It was, in short, very bad, very ugly politics.
It was pretty awesome television, though.
Enjoy,You're Just Adding So Much White Noise To The Debate
If you think this accurately reflects the problem of racism in Hollywood, or you have been vocal about the perceived racism of the show on the left but silent about the racism of the shows on the right, would you please shut the fuck up! The adults are trying to have a serious conversation.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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They Need To Get Off The Internet And Watch More Television Like Their Parents!
EXT. SCHOOLYARD - DAY
BILLY (6) is holding the arm of the smaller TOMMY (5 3/4) behind his back.
BILLY: Admit it!
TOMMY: Never!
Billy raises Tommy's arm in pain.
TOMMY: Owwww!
BILLY: Admit it!
TOMMY: You...you're wrong, Billy!
BILLY: Admit it!
TOMMY: Owwwwwww!
OTIS MIRANDA (37, stern) walks onto the schoolyard and pulls Billy off Tommy. He holds each of them by the arm.
MIRANDA: What in t'undering tarnation is goin' on here, boys?
BILLY and TOMMY: (together) Nothing, Mister Miranda.
MIRANDA: Nuttin'? Billy just about tore Tommy's arm clean off!
BILLY: He started it, Mister Miranda!
MIRANDA: Oh, he did, did he, now? Wha'd Tommy say?
BILLY: He said that Canada's extra troops in Iraq were there to help train the Kurdish forces fighting ISIL.
MIRANDA: Oh, did he, now?
TOMMY: Well, it's true! The Prime Minister's Office said so!
Billy tries to take a sock at Tommy, but Miranda just pulls him further away from the other kid.
MIRANDA: (stern) Billy! Knock it off!
BILLY: Don't be so naïve, poop for brains! Our troops are closer to the fighting on the front lines! They're not "trainers" of nobody! They're in combat! Actual fighting combat!
TOMMY: That's a lie! You tell him it's a lie, Mister Miranda! You tell that dirty, no-good liar that he's lying.
MIRANDA: Well...ahh...there is some room for, err, interpretation here, so...umm... (turns to the camera) I really miss de days when de only t'ing children on school property argued about who was going to keep deir lunch money!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Much Sought After By Him, Perhaps, And Not In A Good Way...
Donald Trump's continuing attacks on former Miss Universe Alicia Machado for gaining weight after winning her crown have been seen by some observers as a tactical mistake. After all, it threatens to lose him the much sought after supermodel vote.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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The NRA Sniffed A Tear Of Pride For Its Baby Brother
Lobby groups representing Canada's hunters and fisherpersons have won a significant victory with the defeat of a private member's bill that would have reformed outdated animal cruelty laws.
"I have the utmost respect for the animals I slaughter," said Herb Battagliano, President of Hunters for Hunting the Hunted. "Really, I do. There's nothing more majestic than watching an elk raise its head as the sun lights it up from behind...just before I obliterate it with a laser-guided missile!"
Battagliano argued that this spiritual connection to his prey gave him an opinion that no bleeding heart politician could possibly have. "I mean, nature is cruel," he argued, "so why do human beings have to be held to higher standards?"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2016/10/09/509727.html]
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If Irving Berlin Isn't Turning In His Grave, He Hasn't Been Paying Attention!
And We Ain't Talkin' No Crackers Here, Buddy
Of his manliness there can be no debate, orSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/717.html]
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Just To Be On The Safe Side, Take Garlic And Wooden Stakes With You When You Go To Vote
I think I understand why so many otherwise reasonable people are eager to vote for Donald Trump for President: he's a vampire who has put them under a hypnotic spell.
No, wait, hear me out: did you see the way he glided up behind Hillary Clinton while she was talking to the audience during the second Presidential debate? Most viewers chalked it up to him being a bully who has no respect for the personal space of others or the dominant posture of an alpha male. NO! He loomed over her like a vampire trying to get the best angle to attack his victim's throat!
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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