Thank you, aristotle ramada, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Peter Mansbridge announced that he would be stepping down as anchor for the CBC's The National. And, then, then, Globe and Mail television columnist John Doyle had a brain aneurysm. We have no idea how the two events are related, but we wish everybody involved a speedy recovery.
Enjoy,Is It Just Me, Or Are The Tormented Screamers Just Going Through The Motions?
Friday. 7pm. The Hades Network. Burn in Hell with George Wallace. This week (Relative Earth Time), George's special guest is Phyllis Schlafly. The two joyously reminisce about better days when blacks knew their place (on the plantation), gays knew their place (in the closet) and women knew their place (barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen) as demonic fires lap at the set and the tormented screams of the damned fill the air around them.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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An Egyptian MP has said that men must have their testicles removed to help curb female "sexual promiscuity."
"We are a population whose women suffer from sexual promiscuity," stated Elhamy Agina, "which is evident because Egypt is among the biggest consumers of romance novels that only the weak will consume. If we stop [removing men's testicles], we will need strong women, and we don't have women of that sort."
When it was pointed out that the procedure has been illegal in the country since 2008, Agina suggested that it could help men's sex lives. "At the very least," he pointed out, "it would make sex a whole lot less messy!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016Sep09.html]
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Think Differenter (Just Like All The Other Major Tech Corporations)
Apple's new iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus will not have a jack for headphones. Instead, users will be able to listen AirPods, wireless headphones exclusively made to work with this product.
Phil Schiller, Apple's ridiculously appropriately-named Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing, explained that: "It comes down to courage, the courage to do something new that betters all of us."
Of course, at Apple, they spell courage M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y P-R-O-F-I-T.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160909/geeklynews/01iphoneuphoneweallscreamforiphone.htm]
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Keystone Kaepernicks Kapers
Santa Clara, California police have threatened to stop protecting San Francisco 49ers football players during games unless the team takes action against Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem before a pre-season game as a protest against police violence against blacks.
"He...he hurt my feelings," Officer Dylan "Finger Breaker" Wolfschmidt, who is six foot five and weighs about 496 pounds in his stockinged feet, blubbered. "What he did...why he did it - I feel under attack...abused...defenseless - I may need therapy for years!"
How is not standing for the national anthem an acceptable rationale for police not doing their jobs? "The thin blue line must have one hell of a union," sportscaster Bob Costas observed.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#50206134595]
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The Future Couldn't Have Been Clearer If They Had Painted It In Huge Neon Letters On The Side Of The Office Building, With Three Story Arrows Pointing At It
Online information service Buzzfeed has announced a reorganization that will allow the company to focus more on its video revenue. The day the reorganization was announced, Ben Smith, the editor-in-chief, met with the news staff to assure them that the company was committed to its news operations. How did the news staff respond?
Photocopier use tripled and email traffic to rival online services threatened to crash the server.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-a6a3-4a4a-9f25-f2eb3cc6f528]
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A Man Who Knows How To Put The "Right" Back In "Contrite," If I'm Any Judge...
Federal Court Justice Robin Camp, who called a 19 year-old homeless rape complainant "the accused" and asked her, "Couldn't you have just kept your knees together?" has called his comments "unforgivable."
He immediately quit the bench and was last seen working at a battered women's shelter. It is rumoured that he has donated all of his income from his days on the bench to a legal fund that advises women who have been raped how to navigate through the court system.
When it was announced that he would go through a sex change in order to better understand the fears a woman who lives in a rape culture has to deal with, I realized that I must have been hit on the head - hit hard - and was suffering hallucinations from either the concussion or the pain meds.
Shit.
SOURCE: Womyn's e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1223]
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Before Or After They Each Vote 27 Times For Hillary Clinton?
Donald Trump's attempt to woo black voters seemed to hit a snag when a campaign appearance at a black church was attended by only 32 people, at least 27 of whom were journalists and two others who seemed to be homeless people hoping for warmth and a meal.
"The joint was emptier than a banker's heart," Trump admitted with an uncomfortable laugh.
Despite this, the Republican Presidential nominee believed that the appearance was a success. "Blacks weren't avoiding me," he stated. "Blacks love me. They just were - I mean, they were - it's just that they were...at home - obviously - figuring out a strategy to help me win on election day!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2016-09-08-lack-on-black_x.htm]
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Conservative leadership hopeful Kellie Leitch has distributed a survey to party members asking if people who want to lead the party should be screened for "Canadian values." According to Leitch, these include: gender equality, religious tolerance and a strong work ethic.
Surprisingly, 78 per cent of respondents to the survey said they would not want potential leaders to be screened in this way. When asked why, the most common response was a variation of, "None of the candidates would ever be chosen to lead the Conservative Party if they had to live up to those standards!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.201609010.eladvote0910_@/BNStory/newsOops2016/]
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Do You Really Expect To Enjoy The Swim?
Brexit supporters have been lashing out at critics of the decision like Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney, claiming that their dramatic scenarios have not come to pass since Britain voted to leave the European Union. But, of course, they haven't actually left the EU, yet, haven't even begun negotiations to leave the EU.
Their argument is like telling people who advised you not to jump off a bridge that they were being alarmist because you haven't hit the water yet.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23GENEWOLFFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/
s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=30304]
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