Thank you, Kit N. Caboodle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, somebody should tell Breitbart that slavery ain't coming back.
Enjoy,Donald Trump has used race in his campaign since even before he had a campaign, and we've been with him every step of the way. President Obama isn't really an American? We looked up Kenya on a map to prepare ourselves for the truth (it's in eastern Europe). Build a wall around the US to keep illegals out? How high?! Deport the eleven million illegals already in the country? Don't let the cactus hit your ass on the way out!
But, calling Hillary Clinton a bigot? Really?
Donald, we've known George Wallace. We've worked with George Wallace. And, Hillary Clinton? She's no George Wallace!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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The EpiPen Is Mightier Than The Sword
Eddie "The Osprey" Falashna was admitted to Saint Jewell the Olfactory Hospital complaining of chest pains and was diagnosed as having had a heart attack. When asked if he had been doing anything before the pains started that may explain what brought them on, he replied, "Sure was. I was reading the bill for my EpiPen. $600 for a single shot! I thought my brain would turn to mush and leak out my ears!"
Epidemiologists and hoarse whisperers (I didn't say they were very good at it) agree that there is an epidemic of medical bill-induced medical emergencies in America. However, hard numbers are difficult to come by.
"It could be three, it could be 237,003. We just don't know," said Doctor Hiram Perjorative, Chair of the American Medical Association's Board of Obscure Illnesses. "MBiMEs are probably underreported - we're supposed to cure people of health problems, not create a whole new set of them!"
SOURCE: The Medical Industrial Complex
[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/premature_distribution_syndrome/secure/2_pds.htm]
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Murders Give New Meaning To The Phrase "Going Medieval On Their Asses"
The use of a crossbow in the murders of three people in Scarborough has renewed calls for stricter regulation of the weapon in Canada. We must resist this assault on the rights of peace-loving, legal crossbow owners across the country.
As it has been truly written:
At first, they came for the dirks, but I don't use one, so I did nothing.SOURCE: Society for Creative Rifle Association
[https://www.scranews.com/series/frontlines/video/frontlines-how-to-make-a-url-longer-than-it-has-to-be/episode/frontlines-season-4-episode-10-how-to-make-a-url-longer-than-it-has-to-be]
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Drugs Make A Nice Change From Homosexuality
Republican Hypocrisy Compulsion Syndrome. RHCS occurs in 10 to 20 per cent of right wing lawmakers.
CASE STUDY: Representative Trey Radel, a major proponent of legislation to make food stamp recipients submit to drug tests before receiving assistance which was wildly popular with his Republican colleagues. But only a month after he backed the proposal, police busted the Florida Republican on a charge of cocaine possession.
SYMPTOMS: privately indulging in behaviours that you publicly argue are immoral AND push laws against.
TREATMENT: Six months to two years withdrawal from the spotlight depending upon how far along the condition is. Donations to charity. Humility (which may be the bitterest pill to swallow).
PROGNOSIS: If caught in time, RHCS need not be fatal to a politician's career. Take two years of penance and call an election after the mourning.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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The King of Norway's Guard visited the Edinburgh Zoo to bestow a new honour on resident penguin Sir Nils Olav III. The penguin - whose ancestor was adopted by the Norwegian King's Guards in 1972 - was given the new title of Brigadier Sir Nils Olav.
"It's a perfectly sensible honour," said Guard spokesperson Ingrid Blargfarggler. "Now, if we had asked the King to appoint the penguin to the Senate, that would have just been nuts!"
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,Olav-their-rockes]
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Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump has announced that he would cut off the hands of illegal immigrants before deporting them. This appears to be a softening of his previously announced position that he would cut off the heads of illegal immigrants before deporting them.
"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!" screamed Diembart.com. "If we pull back in the slightest from our most barbaric impulses, how will we be able to repel the alien hordes that are coming to destroy our freedom-loving, peace-loving way of life?" The Web site went on to shout that if Trump wavered, America would soon be flying a Mexican flag, Sharia would be the country's national law and the film The Justice League would be worse than Batman versus Superman.
For his part, Trump responded to allegations that he had changed his position with the statement, "My position on illegals has been clear from the beginning: 'Boo!' Everything else is just details..."
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/2186749900572460.xml]
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Keep Calm And Klingon!
Three police officers in the Riviera resort town of Villeneuve-Loubet have been sent to hospital with a variety of contusions, abrasions and broken bones after they approached a woman on a beach and demanded, in accordance with the town by-laws, that she remove the clothing over her bathing suit.
The woman was a Klingon officer in full uniform. She did not take kindly to demands that she...well, the impression she left is that she did not take kindly to demands of any kind, really.
"If you live in our country, you should adopt our customs," said Officer Gaston de la Bouffant from his hospital bed. "You should not impose your religious beliefs on our secu - sec - ooh, that feels good. I like trees. Ooh, has the morphine just kicked in?"
The morphine had just kicked in.
The unidentified Klingon woman had beamed up to her bird of prey before reinforcements could arrive on the beach.
"Our people will never submit to the arbitrary rules of small-minded governments," stated Gwump Kerp'lach, Klingon Ambassador to the United Nations. "Those human officers of the law were brave, I'll give them that. But, they should really pick their fights better!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32325471314600812537fx]
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