Thank you, Katey Maddox Month, Week One Three, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we realized that Donald Trump says outrageous things in order to get media coverage. Batshit crazy as media policy? It works, people. It works. But, not any more. We're getting off the Crazy Carousel and getting on the Sane...Undetermined Carnival Ride. You know, the safe one. We declare that, from now on, The Daily Me will be a Donald Trump-free zone!
Oh, Yeah - Trump Would Be Doing Much Better In The Polls If Only The Press Wouldn't Quote His Actual Words!
Is what The Donald said is an incitement to violence? Don't be ridiculous - that's just the silly, lamestream, left-wing media's interpretation of what he said. What right-thinking people everywhere understood The Donald to be saying, of course, is that if Clinton was elected and chose a judge who was predisposed to accepting limitations on gun ownership, gun owners could rise up and THROW COPIES OF THE CONSTITUTION AT HER!
Come on, people! It's right there in his words. Any other interpretation would be completely irresponsible!
Hee hee.
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Then, we realized it wasn't a good idea to make promises we couldn't keep...
Enjoy, AnywayNever Mind The Bullocks, Here's Ocean's 8
The news that Sandra Bullock will be starring in an all-female version of Ocean's 11 called Ocean's 8, with possible co-stars including Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Mindy Kaling and Rihanna, has brought the usual haters back into the spotlight.
"This has ruined - well, not my childhood, obviously, because Ocean's 11 was released in 2001 - but it certainly ruined my...16 years ago!" said men's rights advocate Bruce La Banner. "Okay, that's silly. But the news absolutely ruined my...breakfast, and everybody knows that the key to a good day is a healthy breakfast!"
"Yeah, well, now you know how it feels, sonny boy," said his father, Dan La Banner. "When the George Clooney version of Ocean's 11 came out, it ruined my - well, I wasn't exactly a child when the original came out - let's say early adulthood. Yeah. My early adulthood was ruined. If it don't star Frank Sinatra and the rest of the rat pack, it ain't worth shit!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/08/13/ohgetoveryourselveswillyou/]
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PM Admitted Some Of The "Thes" Not Vital To Implementation Of The Bill
The Liberals are coming under fire for not moving on their campaign promise to change provisions in Bill C-51 that they claimed undermined Canadian civil liberties.
"Of course we have," argued Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. "We have made major changes to Bill C-51. We changed the word 'a' to the word 'the' in no less than 27 different places, and at least seven clauses have been shifted around and renumbered!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2016/08/12/yourgovernmentinaction160812]
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With the announcement that Kensington Market has been renamed The Ted Rogers Market, every major landmark in the city of Toronto has been named for the late media mogul.
"It's a testament to his enduring legacy," explained Rogers' grandson, Bilious Rogers II, "and proof to children that if you work hard and make tons of money exploiting foreign entertainment while contributing the bare minimum to your own culture, you, too, can be celebrated with your name on important stuff.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some friends from out of town who I promised I would take to see the top of the Ted Rogers Tower."
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/08/02/509727.html]
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Isn't The Burkini A Delicious After Dinner Cocktail?
ISIS troops wearing burkinis - full-body, head-covering swimwear - swept into Aleppo last night. Apparently, the swimwear in no way reduced their effectiveness as soldiers, as they drove back Syrian military units with heavy weapons fire.
"You see? What did I say?" Cannes Mayor David Lisnard stated. "When we banned wearing them on our beaches I told you that burkinis are the uniform of extremist Islamism, but did you listen?"
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/aug/07/not-to-be-served-with-a-nice-tomato-sauce-either]
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Just Don't Use It On Your Teeth After The Insect Rodeo Because Eww!
Eight things you can do with floss now that you don't need it for your teeth
1. lasso antsSOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2016/August/Dubious_Dental_Science.asp]
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As Many As 240 Security Agents Were Involved - That's Some Pretty Powerful Mind Control, Right There!
A judge has thrown out the conviction of a man on charges of planning to commit an act of terrorism on the grounds that he was in a coma for the three year period he was being investigated by the RCMP and was incapable of registering any response to stimulus whatsoever, much less design and deliver a bomb to a public place.
"Don't let the coma fool you - John Korody was a vicious terrorist bastard!" said RCMP Officer Dudley Doorong. "Using MRI scans of his brain activity, he directed our undercover officers to create a bomb that we would use to blow up the BC legislative assembly. And, he was so convincing, we would have done it, too, if our superiors hadn't stopped us in the nick of time!"
Critics of this case claim that it was entrapment, suggesting that the RCMP needs successful terrorism prosecutions in order to justify the erosion of civil liberties that came with such tough on crime legislation as Bill C-51. "What, that old law? Pfft!" Officer Doorong scoffed. "That had nothing to do with it. Our agents were subjected to some sort of...mind control! Seriously! John Korody's MRI scans could be very convincing!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20160808.eladvote0808_@/BNStory/newsOops2016/]
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