Thank you, Katey Maddox Month, Week One, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about cockroach milk. Yes, okay, technically it comes in the form of crystals, but it feeds cockroach babies in the same way that...okay, you know what? Best not think about it too much. The point is that the milk of Pacific beetle cockroaches contains three times more energy than buffalo milk. That...tells you something right there. We're pretty sure. Now, if they could sweeten it so that it doesn't taste so disgusting...the concept would still be disgusting. That's what marketing campaigns are for, we guess: get a bunch of kids in skimpy swimwear on a beach extolling the virtues of...Crystal Milk, and you've created a whole new hip, happening product category!
We have just one question: how do you milk a cockroach?
Enjoy,Okay, we have a second question: if mechanical cockroach milking machines become widespread, will PETA protest against them?
As We Would Find Out In Time,SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/710.html]
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Claiming that he understood that it didn't sit well with a lot of people in the current political climate, Matt Damon said that he nonetheless disagreed with the idea that guns should be removed from the poster for his latest movie, The Bourne Cash Grab.
"The Bourne movies don't promote violence," Damon argued. "Except, I guess, if you're an amnesiac government assassin who is trying to undo his brainwashing and discover who he truly is while all sorts of other government agents try to kill him. But, honestly, how many of us can say we're in that situation?"
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0148250/]
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Philadelphians Were Quite Confused By Newt Gingrich's Gut
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has said that if Hillary Clinton is elected President in November, the nuclear destruction of Philadelphia at the hands of Islamic terrorists that took over 300,000 lives will not go avenged.
"Clinton can't even use the phrase 'Muslim terrorism,' let alone, 'kill all the Muslim terrorists," Gingrich stated. "Meanwhile, Philadelphia is still pulling bodies out of the rubble, families who have lost loved ones are still grieving and the city hasn't even begun considering how it will rebuild."
When it was pointed out that Philadelphia has not been destroyed by a nuclear weapon, has not, in fact, been attacked by a Boy Scout troop let alone terrorists, Gingrich said, "Yes, it has." When it was pointed out that no, it really hasn't, Gingrich responded, "I feel it has. And, Americans feel that Philadelphia has been destroyed. Are you really going to argue with our gut?"
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2016Aug01.html]
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How She Got Across The Ocean Is A Bit Of A Puzzler
South Bend Right Jog, Indiana native Begonia Florenzcia was found in shorts and a t-shirt on Camp III on the south side of Mount Everest. Recovering from frostbite in a Nepalese hospital, she claimed that she started playing Pokemon Go in her backyard and just got carried away.
"The game is very addicting," Florenzcia stated, adding: "am I going to get the feeling back in my fingers?"
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/110711/geeklynews/01frostbiteisnotnotisnotohhahaha.htm]
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Save Us From Yiannopoulos
The US Olympics Committee has declared that companies that do not sponsor the games cannot Tweet about them, and that people who work for companies that do not sponsor the games cannot tweet any pictures they may take of the games. Although the declaration contained no specific actions, everything from tough forehead nougies to lawsuits to sternly worded response tweets have been rumoured to be in the works.
"Are you feeling my pain, yet?" responded Milo Yiannopoulos, who was banned from Twitter for spearheading a racist trolling campaign against comedian Leslie Jones. "At this rate, the only people who will be allowed to tweet anything are high school basketball coaches and Islamic terrorists! Who wants that? My high school basketball coach was a monster!"
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#66448137025]
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Potter Say Potter Again
INT. STUDIO: DAY
Author J. K. ROWLING is being interviewed by Weekend Relapse Entertainment Journalist PAOLO ROGAINE.
PAOLO ROGAINE: You have recently said that you no longer intended to write Harry Potter stories.
J. K. ROWLING: That's right.
ROGAINE: But, you said that you would stop writing Harry Potter stories after the seventh novel, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and you have just provided the idea for - and, let's be honest, likely co-written - the play, which was also published as a book, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.
ROWLING: Right. But, this really is the last Potter book.
ROGAINE: Why?
ROWLING: Because this time I mean it.
ROGAINE: I see. Did you mean it last time?
ROWLING: Well, yes. I did.
ROGAINE: So, what has changed?
ROWLING: This time, I really mean it.
ROGAINE: Can you see how your fans might hold out hopes of another Potter book?
ROWLING: Silly [EXPLETIVE DELETED]s. I said there would be no more books in the series, and this time I really mean it.
ROGAINE: As opposed to last time, when you meant it, but not really.
ROWLING: Just so.
ROGAINE: Oh. Okay.
ROWLING: No, not oh, okay. Really.
ROGAINE: Okay, really.
ROWLING: Truly.
ROGAINE: Okay, truly.
ROWLING: Seriously.
ROGAINE: Seriously.
ROWLING: No more.
ROGAINE: No more.
ROWLING: Not ever.
ROGAINE: Not ever.
ROWLING: There really, truly, seriously will be no more Harry Potter books. Not ever.
ROGAINE: There really, truly, seriously will be no more Harry Potter books. Not ever.
ROWLING: Good.
ROGAINE: Okay. Now that that's out of the way -
ROWLING: Although, I did have a bit of an idea...
Rogaine throws the sheets with his questions on them into the air.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227676]
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You Can Always Tell The Baby Terrorists Because They Have A Skull And Crossbones Pattern On Their Nappies
Air strikes (by entities who shall remain nameless, but it's easy enough to connect the dots if you care to) made a direct hit on a Syrian maternity hospital in a rebel-held province. This was a tragic, horrible error.
If allies want to keep little terrorists from being created in Syria, they should really hit brothels and other places where they are conceived!
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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