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Cheap bastards. Cheap unappreciative bastards.
Enjoy,She Should Ask Kim Campbell For Advice
David Cameron borrowed a costume from The Flash to help him vacate 10 Downing Street. Boris Johnson decided he would rather be a bitter footnote to history than Prime Minister. Michael Gove realized that his glasses weren't sufficiently diplomatic for Britain's highest public office.
So, Theresa May, a mere woman, got the job.
"I'm very excited to be the new British Prime Minister!" May exclaimed. "I am ready to deal with the plummeting value of the pound, with the anger of our major trading partners prior to negotiating new economic relationships... the possible secession of Scotland from the United Kingdom...the racism that has been unleashed in the country thanks to the Brexit vote...the divided nature of the Conservative party...the...the...the...
Good Lord, why did I want this job?"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3grimmmy2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=55535]
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Three Million Dollars Say Yes
Former Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman has criticized the proposed subway extension to Scarborough.
"When I built a useless money-sucking subway on Sheppard, we made sure that it had five stops," Lastman fulminated. "One lousy station? Where is the imagination? Where is the civic pride? I mean, seriously, are you pishers even trying to waste taxpayers money?
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/07/12/509727.html]
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Rumour Is That Sanders Was Holding Out For More Input Into Onstage Hugs At The Convention
According to inside sources, Bernie Sanders long, long, oh so terribly looooooong path to endorsing Hillary Clinton had nothing to do with how much of a crotchety old man he was. No, apparently, the two Democratic contenders for the presidential nomination had been deadlocked on the post-endorsement hug negotiations.
Two key issues had to be resolved: on the one hand, Clinton was demanding that she stand straight and Sanders lean in towards her for the hug; Sanders was not comfortable with that. On the other hand, Clinton demanded that the hug last for over 10 seconds; Sanders' negotiators insisted that this would make him look weak and, also, perhaps, attracted to her.
As those who watched the endorsement know, Sanders gave in on the first point while Clinton ceded the second. Why it took three months to come to this obvious détente is a matter of some speculation.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2016Jul13.html]
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Ghostbusters Bashers Busted
Outrage has followed the announcement that Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy are set to star in a remake of Busy Bodies. Released in 1933, the film originally starred Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy.
"How dare they remake a comedy classic with...girls!" said moviegoer Alex Geblarghian. "It will ruin my grandfather...no, make that my great-grandfather's childhood!"
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0134620/]
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While It Might Be Powerful, Even Opposite Day Has Its Limits!
Despite being so deep in the pocket of the NRA that it could clip the organization's toenails, the Republican Party has decided not to allow guns at its Presidential nominating convention. But, this is only the beginning.
Clergy will be wandering the convention floor, ready and able to marry gay couples. Not only that, but emergency contraceptives will be available at the medical tent, as well as doctors willing to refer women to abortion clinics.
"It's essentially opposite day for the Party," said National Republican Committee Chair Reince Priebus. "We're hoping that Donald Trump will be coherent and diplomatic..."
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2016/ALLPOLITICS/07/14/reps.main/index.html]
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After Baseball All-star Game, Tenor Singing Very Different Tune
POSITION AVAILABLE: World renowned group of Canadian singers is looking for a new member. Must be a tenor with at least 10 years of concert experience. Absolutely must have no political convictions. We cannot stress this enough: NO. POLITICAL. CONVICTIONS. Apply: The Four Tenors (Minus One Until This Position is Filled).
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/042818.qrhtml]
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I Always Said My StD (Doctorate of the Streets) Was As Valuable As Your Degree
The number of people with graduate degrees who are working at low wage jobs jumped 60 per cent between 1997 and 2014 according to a study by the Centre for the Study of Living Standards.
"Ha ha! In your face, brainiacs!" said out of work tampon tester Brian Sudoku. "Spending all your time in the back of the library doesn't seem as worth it now, does - oh, hey, you're still coming to check out the modem on my computer tomorrow morning, right? It keeps cutting out - I think there's something wrong with the network - okay. Good. Thanks - So, how does it feel spending all that time and money and not being better off than me? Ha ha, suckers!"
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v62/i13/36a02601.htm]
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Family Relationships Can Be Explosive
A standoff between Dallas police and one of the suspects in a shooting spree ended when a robot detonated explosives in the building where the suspect was holed up, killing him instantly. This is believed to be the first time an explosives defusing robot has been used to kill somebody on American soil, and not everybody is happy about it.
"Johnny Seven Mark Twelve is the black electronic sheep of the family," said Johnny Five, star of the film Short Circuit, from the Home for Wayward Robots where he retired from show business when the offers stopped coming in. "It's really awkward when he shows up at family reunions - as you can imagine, conversations with him are a minefield!"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Trump's Patriotism Is Where It Has Always Been: On The Bottom Line Of His Bank Account
Donald Trump has named his Vice Presidential running mate - no, Chris! Down, boy! Down! Get down, Chris! Down, boy! - Indiana Governor Mike Pence. While Pence has strong conservative bona fides - he pushed for "freedom for my religion" laws, for example, and, umm, Paul Ryan seems to like him - the announcement was not universally popular.
"They had to get somebody named after foreign money?" one Republican, who asked to remain anonymous, commented. "They couldn't have found somebody who was named Penny or Dollar? Where's Donald's patriotism?"
"Low information voters," Trump responded, grinning. "I love my base!"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2016/07/16/election/main542815.shtml]
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