Thank you, Boris Johnson, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, is that really you, Boris Johnson? The Boris Johnson? The Conservative Party's leader in waiting who thought belonging to the European Union was too hot and leaving the European Union was too cold, but voting to leave the European Union and then staying was just right? Man, we were so looking forward to making fun of you in ways that were just over your head so that you could tell something was amiss, but you couldn't quite put your finger on what.
Good times.
Imagine our disappointment to find that you're actually Boris Johnson of 237 Hazelton Sprinkles Way in Edmonton - not only were you not British, you didn't even live on the right continent! Obviously, any brilliant quips we could make would not be at your expense, so there was no point, really.
Boris Johnson has made life so much harder for all of the other Boris Johnsons of the world, hasn't he?
Enjoy,All Lives Matter...But White Lives Matter Just That Teensy Bit More. Amirite?
Black Lives Matter is inherently racist: they should recognize that All Lives Matter! Well, except for Jews, of course. Those greedy bastards aren't entirely human. And, Asians! You can never tell what they're thinking, amirite? Do they want to buy that house to live in or to flip for a huge profit in six months time? And, why should we let them do that when there are plenty of hard-working Americans who would be perfectly willing to keep the profits in this country by flipping houses themselves? And, Muslims, obviously, preaching their religion of hatred and violence: we good Christian folk should bomb their countries back to the Stone Age! And, blacks, because they're just naturally inferior - who doesn't know that?
But, other than Jews, Asians, Muslims, blacks and other groups that didn't come to mind while I was writing this - you evil bastards know who you are! - All Lives Matter! Man, somebody need to make that a t-shirt!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Saturday. BBC Canada. 3pm. Profiles in Courage. This week's episode looks at the life of former United Kingdom Independence Party leader Nigel Farage. When the Leave campaign won the Brexit vote, it would have been easy for Farage to remain at the head of the party and deal with the wreckage of the United Kingdom as it negotiated new terms with the European Union and, quite likely, Scotland. He would have had to take the coward's way out and deal with a plummeting pound and an ever-shrinking economy, not to mention the distrust of his military and economic allies. That is what a lesser man would have done. But, no. Instead, Farage immediately quit his party and went on vacation with his family. Only the most hardened heart will be unmoved by scenes of Farage spending some of his 200,000 euro annual salary as a representative to the European Union on basics such as food, housing and suntan lotion.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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A Report That Is Certain To Put A Chilcot On Tony Blair's Legacy
According to the Chilcot Inquiry into Britain's involvement in the Iraq War, Britain's involvement in the Iraq War was based on wishful thinking and faulty intelligence. You might think, then, that my unwavering support for the war was wrong. Fortunately, that was 13 years ago, and my columns from that time may as well have been written in ancient Sanskrit on rice paper that had been eaten centuries ago by a desperately starving monk.
So, I was happy to read that the Chilcot Inquiry, which concluded that the Iraq War, in which Britain eagerly participated, was based on faulty intelligence and wishful thinking, because that just supports my position. You know, the one I held 13 years ago and have maintained ever since that the war was a terrible mistake that we should never have made.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/jul/05/is-it-chilcott-in-here-or-is-it-just-me]
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We Open Up Our Trade To Europe With No Guarantee That It Will Reciprocate - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
You know the story about how a beaver, confronted with a larger predator, gnaws off its own testicles and hands them - or, perhaps more appropriately - paws them to its enemy? It's a myth, of course. Still, it seems like an apt metaphor for the C. D. Howe position that Europe doesn't have to ratify the comprehensive economic and trade agreement (CETA) for Canada to start implementing some of its provisions.
Anybody know any good beaver testicle recipes?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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I Imagine There Would Be One Or Two In The Multiverse, As Well
I'd call Nigel Farage, the United Kingdom Independence Party leader who was a chief architect of the successful Leave campaign, a wanker, but that would be an insult to all decent, hard-working masturbators throughout the world. Hell, throughout the universe as far as any of us know.
SOURCE: Les pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Somebody Throw That Union A Bone!
In a surprise move, the International Union of Canine Companions (IUCC) has come out on the side of employees in their dispute with Canada Post.
"Arf!" said IUCC Local K9 shop steward Boogamoo the Good Boy, "Woof woof! Arf! Arf! Arf! Woof!" Using Google Translate (Household Pet Edition), we found that Boogamoo had said, "Well, obviously, if Canada Post goes under and postmen no longer deliver mail to the door, who are my members going to bark at every day? UPS? Please! They don't deliver often enough to make it worthwhile for any of us to start developing a good mouthful of saliva!"
Boogamoo the Good Boy explained that the issue was a matter of work satisfaction: "Part of the job of family dog - and, I will admit, part of the pleasure, as well - is barking at strangers who come to the door. It's a performance, no question. Without it, the job is mostly going for walkies and letting unsanitary children run their hands through your fur. Where is the creativity in that? Where is the art?"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32320041314000314607fx]
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