Thank you, Cornelius Chen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Amber Heard announced that she was divorcing Johnny Depp - apparently, he insisted on the couple watching Don Juan DeMarco every night before bed. Quelle horreur! Depp has countered that she was the cruel one in the relationship, that she wouldn't stop making cutting remarks about the Hollywood Vampires every time he looked at his guitar, and - oh, my god, why are we wasting precious brain space on this crap? We could be solving the problem of overpopulation or finding a quicker way to wean the human race off fossil fuels, but, instead, we're obsessing about the marriage of two people we'll never know? What is wrong with the human race?!
Besides, everybody knows that the real scandal of the past week is Tom Hiddleston making out with Taylor Swift!
Enjoy,Actually, Old Nostrie Could Have Seen It Coming, But He Would Have Been Embarrassed To Admit It
Despite being part of the Conservative government that signed the contract that would send weaponized vehicles known as LAVs to Saudi Arabia, current foreign affairs critic Tony Clement says that the Liberal government should cancel the deal.
"Who could have predicted that a country with as spotless a record as Saudi Arabia would become a major human rights abuser the moment the Liberals were elected?" Clement rhetoricked all over the place. "Even Nostradamus couldn't have seen that one coming!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2016/06/17/509727.html]
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So, THAT'S Why The New Testament Describes Jesus' Loaves As "A Little Dry!"
A man has discovered a 10 kilogram chunk of butter in an English bog that is believed to be 2,000 years old.
"Now, if only we could find a loaf of bread that had been preserved for over two millennia," said butter discoverer Jack Conway, "we could feast!"
SOURCE: WWW: World Weird Watch
[http://www.worldweirdwatch.com/archive/www165897.html]
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Yeah, You Know, Johnny Cash Didn't Sing "I Islammed A Man In Reno Just To Watch Him Die" For A Reason
Delusions come in many forms. Some people convince themselves that taunts that kindergarteners might say if they were tired and cranky are the height of wit. (Oscar Wilde must be spinning in his grave, counter-clockwise, as was his wont.) Some people delude themselves into thinking that if you repeat something often enough, the repetition will make it true. (President Obama is not a Muslim - he's a capitalist.) Some people have washed their own brains so thoroughly, they can make the argument that objects created for the purpose of killing are actually fluffy kittens that are the subject of so many adorable YahooTube videos that it's a surprise they don't collectively break the Internet.
Hard as it may be to believe, all of these delusions come together in a single psyche, that of a woman known primarily for hunting grizzly bears from a helicopter, although there are rumours that she may have been a politician at some point in her life. Her name is...umm...oh, what was it? Sadie Pullet? Sandy Putin? Sardinia Poopiehead? (She started it!) Sorry I can't quite put my finger on it - the woman's 15 minutes of fame happened long ago (or it may have been so traumatic that we have erased it from the collective consciousness - stranger things have happened in American politics).
Perhaps her greatest delusion is that she believes that she is still somehow relevant to anybody other than her immediate family.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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It Rhymes Better If You Sing It With A Cockney Accent
Shanghai Disneyland has been closed by the Chinese government over a dispute over a song lyric.
The line the government objects to is: "But there was a silver lining in my day so horrid/Your death helped my heart make a great leap forward!" It appears in the song "Second Act Sorrows," which is played during the Interactive Frozen Experience! at the theme park.
"Well, that's five and a half billion dollars down the drain!" muttered Disney CEO Bob Iger. "Who knew the Chinese were so [VERY NON-DISNEY EXPLETIVE DELETED] sensitive!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/06/17/shanghaidepress/]
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I Want To Print A T-shirt That Reads "BITCH THAT BASTARD" Just To Confuse Them!
In response to Donald Trump supporters wearing t-shirts with the message, "TRUMP THAT BITCH," Hillary Clinton supporters started wearing t-shirts with the message, "DRUMPF, THAT BASTARD." For a few minutes. Then, somebody realized that a bastard is a man who was born out of wedlock, which reflects more badly on his the mother who bore him than the man himself.
"The bastard wins again!" muttered Clinton supporter Maryke Malwaxware. "I swear, it's like he's untouchable!"
SOURCE: The Lefty Hipp-Starr Show
[http://www.msnobc.msn.com/id/24385968/]
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He Came Because He Heard There Was A Boom In Film And Television Production, And He Wanted To Cash In
A rabid raccoon hitchhiked more than 500 kilometres into Ontario from northeastern New York State, prompting the first outbreak of rabies in the province in a decade.
There is no truth to the rumour that the raccoon came to Canada for our health system.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=129979]
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I'm So Excited, I Almost Raised An Eyebrow
Marijuana advocates are eager to become involved in the 420 Games, an athletic competition for potheads. But, not too eager, because that could harsh people's mellow, and nobody wants that.
The 420 Games (named for the...umm...I mean, the number represents the...the...the - aww, who remembers? Something about blackbirds...?) will feature such tests of physical strength and endurance as nerf archery, parallel floor mats, water wings polo and the 420 metre jog round the corner for a couple of minutes to get munchies.
Will there be drug testing? "Has to be," said organizer Jim McAlpine. "Otherwise, how could we be sure the athletes were high when they participated?"
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#50291177265]
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Several Trump Supporters Offered To Hack Off Their Own Limbs If It Would Help
Twitter account Conservative Nation posted a picture of an apparently bloodied woman with the caption: "Here's what happened to female Trump supporter when she met 'peaceful' and 'tolerant' liberals." It turns out the woman had just come from a makeup test for a horror movie (which would make her more of a passive than active Trump supporter).
"oops - our bad LOL" Conservative Nation tweeted when the mistake was revealed. "Fact she only had one arm should have been a clew." This was followed by a series of blood-soaked emojis.
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/sucker/]
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