The Daily Me - Sarah Tonen

Thank you, Sarah Tonen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a foul-mouthed parrot named Bud witnessed the murder of his owner in his Michigan home. Authorities are weighing the possibility that the parrot could give them useful information in the slaying against the amount of ridicule they will have to endure from the press for doing so.

And, we thought, Amazing! Life in the United States seems to aspire to the condition of an episode of Castle! On the bright side, at least it wasn't Murder, She Wrote...

Despite the fact that Hillary Clinton has received more than three million primary votes than Bernie Sanders, she leads him by 29 pledged delegates and 523 superdelegates, and she has won 29 caucuses to his 21, Sanders says he will not abandon his quest for the Democratic nomination.

"Anything can happen at the convention," Sanders told a rally in California. "A delegate fairy could wave a magic wand and turn some of those Hillary superdelegates into Sanders supporters. Oh, sure - scoff if you want to, but that's how Jimmy Carter won the nomination in 1976!"

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

[http://www.dnn.com/2016/ALLPOLITICS/06/04/reps.main/index.html]
more

And, Regardless Of When It Started, Everybody Knows That Liberals Are To Blame For Sexism In Canada

Liberal Mauril Belanger, who is dying of Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, appeared in the House of Commons even though he could only sit slumped in his chair, his head not moving, unable to speak. Why? He had introduced a private members bill that would turn a sexist line in the national anthem gender neutral, but the Conservatives refused unanimous consent to allow another Liberal to take his place as the bill's sponsor.

"No, no, no, no, we weren't using procedure in an attempt to safeguard sexism," said interim Conservative Party leader Rona Ambrose. "We...we just wanted to see Mauril one more time before...you know. And, it was easier to have him come to Parliament than to have all of us go to his hospital room!"

"Speak for yourself, Missy," retorted Conservative MP Brad Trost. "If we allow this change, it will be like admitting that Canada has been sexist for 100 years, and we can't have that! Everybody knows that sexism in Canada really only started when I was elected!"

Ambrose sighed. "You see what I have to work with?" she plaintively asked.

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2016/06/09/cease&sexist160609]
more

"You See What I Have To Work With?" President Obama Plaintively Asked. "Man, I'm Not Going To Miss This Next Year!"

Israeli prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stressed that he was committed to a two state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. His position was not aided by a statement by Agriculture Minister Uri Ariel, a member of a far right wing political party that is part of Netanyahu's coalition government.

"The Palestinians want a state? They can have a block in the West Bank," Ariel scoffed. "With a state that small, think of the money they could save by flying only one flag over their entire country!"

When it was pointed out that between 150,000 and 300,000 Palestinians lived in the area Ariel claimed for Israel, he replied, "Nu? Where does it say that a country can't be crowded?"

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1798991576125]
more

Bernie Sanders Followers Took It As A Sign

A large sinkhole opened on Sussex Drive in downtown Ottawa. Given all of the one way streets and detours in the city, it is expected that people who want to travel to Parliament Hill will have to do so via Vancouver.

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2016/06/09/509727.html]
more

He's Truly The Tail That Pokes The Dog In The Eye And Stuffs Itself Down Its Own Throat In An Attempt To Choke Itself To Death

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more

They Squid You Not

If Britain stays in the European Union, giant squids will fall from the skies. Giant electric squids that can put 40,000 volts through the average Englishman faster than you can order a pint down at the local!

"Absolutely," said former London Mayor Boris Johnson. "Giant squids. Falling from the sky. Your average squid knows 12 ways to kill an Englishman, but these bastards? They can kill you 17 ways without raising a sweat! Umm...do giant electric squids sweat? Well, if they do, these don't!"

SOURCE: The Smarmian

[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/jun/10/brexit-the-real-story]
more

Starless, Starless Night

According to a recent study, one in three people are unable to see the galaxy because of light pollution, including almost 80 per cent of North Americans. This has had a deleterious affect on the way people see the universe and their place in it.

"I'm supposed to feel connected to the grey sky?" asked Pablo Bonkers of Yonkers. "Yeah, yeah - big whup! Small? I'm not small - it's the universe that's small! And, anyway, I'm obviously at the centre of it!"

"Yeah, all the stars people keep saying are out there? I've never seen them," said Millie Acropolis of Minneapolis. "You ask me, the whole universe was created on a Hollywood sound stage, and the government has been lying to us about it for centuries!"

And, you wonder why Donald Trump is so popular in the United States?

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3EB-2C175-Y2K5-AAA1549614B712711]
more

For Misogynists, There'll Be Hil To Pay

Hillary Clinton has come in for her share of criticism throughout her life in politics. It may, at first, seem damning, but when you scratch the surface to determine what her critics are really saying, you find that there is a depressing commonality there which can be laid out very easily, as in the following chart:

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=873&dir=bb]
more