The Daily Me - Elderberry Pizzleswitch

Thank you, Elderberry Pizzleswitch, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we had a good, long, Full Monty look at the mew Australian $5 bill, which some critics have described as "clown puke." As it happens, we've known many clowns over the years, not all of them alcoholics, and their puke is nothing like the riotous assault of colour on the money. It looks more like unicorn puke to us, although, to be fair, we're only amateur vomitologists, so ours should not be considered the final word on the subject...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

War Is Young Hellions

2 sorry for words) As a Canadian soldier in Afghanistan, you see clear evidence that allied soldiers have been sexually abusing native children. What do you do? a) I don't know - the chain of command is kind of fuzzy, and maybe it's acceptable under Afghan law - I don't know...it's possible - aww, jeez, why do I have to be the one who has to do something?
b) you know, if we do anything, we'll just piss off the Afghani government, and then they might not let us chase after terrorists in their backyard. I think it's in our national interest to let this one slide...
c) report it! Report it to your superior officers! Report it immediately! Isn't part of the mission protecting civilians? For the love of humanity, report it to your superior officers immediately!
d) you know, if I tell anybody about it, they'll just figure that it will piss off the Afghani government, and then they might not let us chase after terrorists in their backyard. I think it's in my personal interest to let this one slide...

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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A Policy Sure To Get Caligula's Stamp Of Approval

Wisconsin Republicans have passed a bill disallowing people in the state on food stamps from using them to buy a long list of items, including: shellfish, red potatoes, nuts, spaghetti sauce, albacore tuna, soup, baked beans, salsa, cheddar cheese, shredded cheese, Swiss cheese, sliced cheese, fresh mozzarella, bagels, cranberry sauce, canned peas, red salmon, yellow potatoes, brown eggs, baked beans and ketchup. What can they buy with food stamps? Hard crusted bread and gruel.

"We're trying to encourage people to make healthy lifestyle choices," Republican State Representative Scott Allen explained. "They'll be able to eat whatever they want just as soon as they choose to stop being poor."

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1806749440373458.xml]
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The Suits Thought The Original Cut Was So Perfect That They Wanted Me To Make It More Perfect

Suicide Squad director David Ayer has denied rumours that he has reshot scenes to add humour to the film. So, the reshoot has nothing to do with making the film less like Batman vs. Superman and more like Guardians of the Galaxy? "What, that loser?" Ayer scoffed. "Why would I want to make a film like...a film like...oh, god, I need to talk to my agent!"

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/04/13/moreperfectlyperfcter/]
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Leap Manifesto And The Net Will Cut You To Ribbons

The Leap Manifesto currently being considered by the New Democratic Party will destroy Canada's economy, force children into slave labour in foreign countries and cause all the hair on your head to fall out! It's a left-wing plot so evil that Mao Tse-Tung refused to implement it, and, when he first heard of it, Joseph Stalin ran to his room and wouldn't come out for three days!

What do you mean, "What's in it?" You don't need to know what's in it! We've read it to spare your delicate sensibilities. Trust us - the only thing worse than the Leap Manifesto would be an alien invasion - and that's going to be the subject of tomorrow's editorial!

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd1-f0f3-4f4f-9f15-a2eb4cc6a008]
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Are You Sure I Want Satan Behind Me? He May Have One Of Those Pink Waterproof Calexotics Embrace Silicone Massaging Ticklers With Three Speed Rolling Pleasure Ball And Seven Functions Of Shaft Vibration, Pulsation And Esca - Oh! Escalation And...And...And...Mmm, What Were We Talking About Again?

"There are such things as sex demons. And the danger in masturbating is that one could inadvertently summon a sex demon to attach itself to you through the act of masturbating. And once that demon attaches, it is difficult to get it to leave. It will drive you to masturbate, even when you don't want to. You'll be hit with urges to play with yourself so powerful that only an orgasm will allow you some temporary relief." - excerpt from Hedonism: Destroying Demonic Sexual Strongholds, by Mack Major

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Need For Greed

Kansas Republicans have passed a bill disallowing people in the state on Temporary Assistance To Needy Families to spend money at a casino, gaming establishment, jewelry store, tattoo parlor, massage parlor, body piercing parlor, spa, nail salon, lingerie shop, tobacco paraphernalia store, vapor cigarette store, psychic or fortune-telling business, bail bond company, video arcade, movie theater, swimming pool, cruise ship, theme park, or dog or horse racing facility. What can they do for entertainment? Sit around a burning tire in a metal trash container and tell each other how wonderful their day has been.

"We're trying to encourage people to make better lifestyle choices," Republican Governor Sam Brownback explained. "They'll be able to entertain themselves however they want just as soon as they choose to stop being poor."

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1806749440373459.xml]
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Yeeeeaaaah...The Thought Of Eating Salmon Full Of Cocaine Doesn't Make Me Want To Go To A Fish Casino

Tests of Chinook salmon in Puget Sound found that the fish's tissue contained high levels of cocaine and anti-depressants. How could such a thing happen?

Imagine you're a young salmon, swimming in the water. Swimming. Swimming. Swimming. Not much to do but swim. Oh, and once a year spawn. Swimming and spawning. Spawning and swimming. Not much of a life, is it? You'd be tempted to try a little cocaine now and then if that was all you had to look forward to.

Fortunately, there is an obvious solution to this problem: fish casinos. Build a few of them under the waters of Puget Sound, and the salmon will be off the anti-depressants in no time!

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1704H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1586614B71231321]
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Moral Leadership Is Compilated - Compiclated - Colimpa - Hard. Moral Leadership Is Hard

Nearly two-thirds of Americans believe torture can be justified to extract information from suspected terrorists. The Ipsos-Factos poll found that a similar number believed that a terrorist attack would happen on American soil within the next six minutes, although no clear connection between the two positions has been considered.

Rest assured, Americans are not barbarians. Only three per cent of those polled thought it was okay to force suspected terrorists to sit through an entire Hillary Clinton/Bernie Sanders debate.

SOURCE: Cohan

[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-03-22-16]
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