Thank you, Nathan Carr-Keyes, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized that we've been doing this for over a decade. You know, the whole, "combed the Internet" and "weighted the probability" routine. It seemed like a good time to change things up a bit because, let's be honest, anything that's been on the Web for over 10 years should be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of an old folks home, shaking its fist and shouting, "You damn kids get off my Internet!" to nobody in particular.
That, and we're bored. Ten years is a lot of combing and weighting.
With this in mind, we are proud to introduce the world to the * New And Improved * Daily Me intro paragraph: "Thank you, [INSERT NAME HERE], for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then..."
Nobody can accuse us of not changing with the times!
Enjoy,It's Smith And Wessons All The Way Down (The Rabbit Hole)
Jamie Gilt, who was shot in the back by her four year-old son while she was driving, has not allowed the incident to cause her support of guns to waver.
"This is exactly the sort of thing that proves the genius of the Founding Fathers," Gilt stated. "If the family cat Kittens had been armed, my son would never have seriously considered shooting me." When asked who would have kept Kittens from using her own gun, Gilt replied, "The family goldfish, Goldfisher, of course!"
After a moment, she added: "If my baby was any sort of man, he would have had the decency to face me before he shot me. Somebody clearly needs more lessons on gun etiquette!"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1429749806673420.xml]
more
Heavily - It Was Edited Very Heavily - Frame By Frame, Really - To Get That Pinteresque Effect
Universal Pictures is under fire for releasing different trailers for the film Straight Outta Compton to different groups on Facebook. The trailer offered to predominantly black users focused on the rise of NWA. The trailer offered to predominantly white users, retitled Straight Out of Compton, focused more on the rise of band members Ice Cube and Dr. Dre.
It's hard to see what the fuss is about: Hollywood has been doing this sort of thing for years. In 1994 for example, the Motion Picture Corporation of America produced two trailers for the film Dumb and Dumber. One, which played in predominantly wealthy neighbourhoods, compared Lloyd and Harry, the film's main characters, to Shakespeare's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and was edited in such a way that the dialogue sounded like it was written by Harold Pinter.
The other trailer, which played in predominantly poor neighbourhoods, focused on the fart jokes.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/03/23/straightouttacomposmentis/]
more
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/a-rock-and-a-right-wing-place-the-sequel/]
more
At The 43 Minute Mark, The Secretary Of Defence Has A Moment Of Agonization About Civilian Casualties, But Mercifully It Passes Quickly, Allowing Him To Enjoy The Afternoon With His Mistress
Kill OrdureA "high value target" (we're pretty sure;, I mean, if we keep hitting targets, one of them is bound to be high value sooner or later, right?) in a war zone (well, so close that it may as well be part of a war zone) is the potential subject of a drone strike. The only thing stopping the missiles is that there is a nunnery next door. Kill Ordure is about the agonized debate over the agonizing decision of whether or not to agonizedly pull the trigger and blow up the building containing the target (whose value is to be determined at a future date). For three seconds. Orders are orders, after all. The other 97 minutes of the film are about the generals, politicians and drone pilots going about their daily lives.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0571330/]
more
Stand Him Next To Gandhi And You Wouldn't Be Able To Tell The Two Apart
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
Okay, I'll Say It: That Idea Stinks!
Need more proof that George Lucas is more marketing savvy than Peter Jackson? Remember Scent of Sauron, the masculine body wash that, "will make you smell like you've spent the day creating orcs in the fiery furnaces of Mordor. With just a hint of jasmine?"
Neither do LucasFilm's accountants.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160311/geeklynews/01successmordororless.htm]
more
Their Followers Only Agree On One Thing: Michelle Obama Is A Hussy For Baring Her Arms (Apparently, The Second Amendment Only Covers So Much!)
So. A Super PAC called Make America Awesome posted a nude photo of Donald Trump's wife Melania. Trump, who blamed rival Ted Cruz, responded by threatening to "spill the beans" on Cruz' wife Heidi. Then, he retweeted an unflattering image of Heidi Cruz next to a glamourous photo of Melania Trump. Cruz responded to all of this by calling trump a "snivelling coward" for attacking his wife.
Watching Trump and Cruz go at each other is like watching two scorpions in an inverted bowl...two drunk scorpions who can't tell their tails from...other...more pleasurable part of their anatomy, and who try to bitch slap each other even though they have no hands. I think the Super PAC has succeeded: this is American, and it really is awesome!
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/dunking-monologue-03-22-16]
more