Thank you, Willy Wanker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard a commercial on the radio that promised to "grab your junk and take it away." On behalf of the children we won't be able to have (and, if we're honest, don't really want), we must protest. Surely, there must be another way to do...whatever favour it is you think you're doing for us by removing our junk.
And, if there isn't, at the very least we expect a dinner.
Enjoy,Everybody Knows His Hair Was Raised By Alien Wolves
Republican Presidential hopeful Ben Carson has doubled down on his comment that he, not Barack Obama, would be the first truly black American President because Obama was "you know, raised white." Now, he says that Hillary Clinton should not be considered as the first female president because she was "not raised a, you know, woman."
Carson insisted that the fact that she had the body of a woman and had had children did not, you know, make her a woman. "She was raised by wolves, or aliens, or Cthulu - I don't know who, exactly. But, because of that, she can't relate to the experience of being a woman."
When asked if he was saying this because it looked like Donald Trump was going to win the party's nomination and he needed to say something, anything to get the attention of primary voters, Carson muttered something about Trump's hair not being a real human's hair and fled the room.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016Feb31.html]
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Or, Better Still, Carded The Monkey On The Street
A capuchin monkey recently got into a bar in Patos, Brazil, drank some rum and threatened patrons with a knife that was almost as big as it was. According to firefighter Lieutenant Colonel Saul Laurentino, this was due to an oversight of the bar staff.
"If they had carded the monkey at the door," Laurentino stated, "this never would have happened!"
SOURCE: WWW: World Weird Watch
[http://www.worldweirdwatch.com/archive/www160207.html]
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The Kiddy Militia Strikes Again
"The [Iowa] state's House of Representatives voted Tuesday for a bill that would permit children younger than 14 to possess "a pistol, revolver or the ammunition" under parental supervision. [13 year-old] Lavardo Fisher of Orlando was killed when his cousin tumbled from a hoverboard, causing a gun to fire a bullet into the back of Lavardo's head.
"What this bill does, the bill before us, allows for one year-olds, two year-olds, three year-olds, four year-olds to operate handguns," State Rep. Kirsten Running-Marquette (D) said. Cops say his 18 year-old cousin told them he accidentally fired the gun when he lost his balance.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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There Are Efforts To Eradicate Sin From The World?
Vanity has died of complications from long-standing kidney issues at the age of 57. If Prince had only named his other protégés things like Lust and Gluttony, we might be further in our efforts to eradicate sin from the world.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Former Reform Party leader Preston Manning has complained that Ottawa is doing more to help Quebec financially than to help the west. At a conference for Canada's conservative political movement, Manning warned Prime Minister Trudeau against pursuing policies that would divide the country along regional lines.
"Can we please get back to dividing Canada along racial, ethnic and religious lines?" Manning asked. "That's something that would benefit the country much more!"
SOURCE: Festerin' Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature22.html]
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When Your Hammer Is The Military, Every Soldier Looks Like An IV Drip
Cuban President Raul Castro will dispatch 9,000 soldiers to help fight the Zika virus. He described - sometimes in graphic detail that sounded like it had been written by Quentin Tarantino - how the soldiers would enter the bloodstreams of people who were suspected of having the virus and hunt it down until it was eradicated from their bodies.
When asked how the soldiers would be shrunk in order to enter the bloodstreams of people infected by the Zika virus, Castro blinked in surprise and responded, "We can do that?"
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewsire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,Castro-ohoh]
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"I Warned Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Said Paul Krugman
The Liberal government has backtracked on its election promise to keep the deficit to $10 billion. Given a sluggish economy and oil prices that aren't exactly setting the world on fire, the government has admitted that the deficit could grow to $30 billion over the next two years.
"This is a recipe for waste and mismanagement," said interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose. "The reality is that it is not a time to spend. Based on slow economic growth, it's a time for the Finance Minister to talk about controlling spending."
Economists disagreed. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" said National Bank economist Marc Pinsonneault.. "Gubba gubba, grrrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!" said Doug Porter, chief economist at BO Capital Markets.
Loosely translated, they were saying, "Doooooooooooooooooooooo something!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1084591226813&call_pageid=968335343492&col=970566942154]
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And, We're Just The Barbarians To Do It!
P_AUL PRETENZA (early 20s, wearing a Marco Rubio t-shirt) and FRANKIE "FOUR FINGERS" DISCONTI (early 20s, wearing a vest full of Marco Rubio campaign buttons) are sitting in the audience, waiting for the Republican presidential candidates debate to begin.
P_AUL PRETENZA: Marco's got to come out strong tonight.
FRANKIE DISCONTI: Really strong.
PRETENZA: Tiger strong.
DISCONTI: Elephant strong.
PRETENZA: Woolly mammoth strong.
DISCONTI: Uhh, you see any woolly mammoths around any more?
PRETENZA: Only among Hillary supporters! Ha ha!
DISCONTI: Ho ho!
PRETENZA: Hee hee!
DISCONTI: Hmm...
PRETENZA: I mean, Marco's gotta beat Trump down! Pulverize him and tenderize him.
DISCONTI: Marco's gotta go all...cannibal on Trump's ass?
PRETENZA: Absolutely. Marco's gotta kill him.
DISCONTI: Murder him.
PRETENZA: Destroy him!
DISCONTI: Tear him limb from limb.
PRETENZA: Yeah! Rip him into little Donald pieces!
DISCONTI: Then feed him some of the pieces while he's still conscious!
PRETENZA: With fava beans!
DISCONTI: And a nice Chianti!
PRETENZA: That's what I'm talking about!
DISCONTI: Woot woot!
PRETENZA: Yee-haw!
DISCONTI: Aaaaayuuuuugaaaah!
PRETENZA: And, you know why Marco has to go all Hannibal Lecter on Trump's ass tonight?
DISCONTI: Why is that?
PRETENZA: Because Donald Trump is a barbarian who is destroying civil discourse in this country, and somebody has to stop him!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227547]
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