Thank you, Vance Vackard, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a study of undergraduate students which showed that male students assumed their male classmates knew more about course material than female students, even if the young women earned better grades. Hunh! we thought. Been there - stunned by that! Five years ago, everybody in the Daily Me office took an IQ test; the median woman had a higher IQ than the median man, adjusting for age, weight and eye colour. So, we don't - no, the actual difference isn't essential to the point, which is that we don't feel the need - okay, look, the IQ test is, at best, a crude measure of human intelligence, so can we just take it as give that - Jesus begesus, you're persistent! Fine! The difference was 23 points! You happy, now?
How did giving ourselves a pat on the back end up being so humiliating?
Enjoy,Sure, They Do, But - W...W...Why Are You Reaching For Your Gun?
Florida police are boycotting Beyonce's show at the Rogers Centre because of perceived anti-police, pro-Black Panther messages in her new video, "Formation." Nobody is sure if by "boycott" they mean they will not work the show or if they will not allow their daughters to attend. Still, a threat is a threat.
"She...she really hurt my feelings," said Officer Tony Menungo. "I mean, I may harass black men - sorry, I meant black criminals - but I've never shot one in cold blood. I mean, I was cleared of all charges in that one incident last year. So, I really resent the implications in Beyonce's song."
When asked if the police had a duty to protect even people whose politics they disagreed with, Menungo shifted his bulk, his 230 pound, wall of muscle bulk, menacingly and asked, "Are you discounting my feelings? Everybody has a right to have their feelings acknowledged, don't they? DON'T THEY?"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/02/23/beyoncesanity]
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I'm Just Glad The Gondola Doesn't Pass Over North York...
You had to know it would happen. To coincide with the opening of the gondola across Toronto, Sarcasm, Inc., Y'All, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultNatCorp ("We do edgy stuff, y'all"), has released an app that describes city landmarks in less than flattering detail. The highlights include:
Oddly enough, tourist trips on the gondola have tripled since the app was first released.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=129089]
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Harper Lee has died at the age of 89. In her life, she only wrote one book (even if it was twice). In death, expect at least 17 more releases. Some people really are late bloomers...
Semiotician and author Umberto Eco has died at the age of 84. In life, he deconstructed reality; now, reality is deconstructing him.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not Hear
"Prime Minister Trudeau - I shudder every time I say that - has not articulated a reason for ending Canadian airstrikes on ISIS," stated interim Conservative Party leader Rona Ambrose.
They kill too many civilians, turning the survivors, people who should be our allies, into enemies.
"If only there was a reason for ending the airstrikes on ISIS," Ambrose continued, "the Conservatives might support the move. But, there isn't."
They are an ineffective way to deal with the terrorist threat. Not only do two potential leaders arise for every one we kill, but they steel the enemy's resolve. Have we learned nothing from Vietnam? Or, London?
"I don't want to speculate on...the Prime Minister's sanity," Ambrose added, "but acting without motivation seems a little...psychotic. Is that really what you want in a leader of the country?"
The only way to win a war against such a chameleonic foe is to send ground troops into territories it controls. But, no politician wants to do that because the political price would be...you haven't heard a word I've said, have you?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Fetch, Consumer, Fetch
Following the announcement that it would stop stocking crescent-shaped croissants, Tesco, a 3,500 store British chain of groceries, has decided to stop carrying curved boomerangs.
"Have you ever tried to throw one of those things?" said Tesco merchandise buyer Harry Jones. "It's not easy! Not only that, but they come back to you? How are you supposed to play fetch with your dog with one of those things?"
But, isn't a straight boomerang just a stick? "Not when you charge $19.95 for it," Jones explained.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/nation/2016/feb/21/late-capitalist-logic-will-boomerang]
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And, the Lord Jesus looked at the primary races. And, He looked upon Ted Cruz, and he saideth. "Thou art not my disciple, but thou hast great hair, so thou may continueth in the race."
And, He looked upon Jeb Bush, and he sayethed, "Thou art not my disciple, but thou hast vast reserves of PAC money and the support of two former Presidents, thy father and thy brother. What an unholy trinity thou wouldst make if thou won. Do what thou wilt."
And, He looked upon Donald Trump and spaketh, "Thou art not my disciple...but I may be thine. When thou didst chastise, reprimand, reproof, scold, lecture and tell off Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for his lack of life experience, I reconsidered My belief that one should love thy neighbour as thyself. And, when thou didst admonish, beseech, implore, plead and importune John McCain to do a better job of looking after the affairs of military veterans, I began to think that this whole 'Do not bear false witness' thing may have been overblowneth. Thou art truly My chosen one."
And, American Christians saw that it was good.
SOURCE: The Bible - The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_trump/lk06_37a.html]
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