Thank you, Rachel Rebecca (or possibly vice versa), for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, legendary Eagles guitarist Glenn Frey died at the age of 67 of rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis and pneumonia. No, wait - that can't be right! He wasn't 69! And, he didn't die of cancer! And, he wasn't even British! Bring him back! Bring him back right now so he can die in a couple of years of the right illness!
We'll give him a pass on his nationality.
Enjoy,You Read It Here First!
You may have heard reports that PostalMedia has fired 90 editorial staff members across Canada. Okay, that's true. However, we would like to assure our readers that this will in no way affect the quality of our journalism. Each of PostalMedia's newspapers will remain independent, a unique voice for its community.
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2016/01/20/509727.html]
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Scholars Of Ancient Aramaic Seen As Best Bet To Comprehend Palin-speak
The woman who translates the speech of Sarah Palin is in the hospital suffering from dizziness and migraines. Doctors believe the condition was brought on by the stress of her job.
"I - gasp! - I should be getting danger pay for this!" Federica von Botulismo said from her hospital bed.
von Botulismo had been in failing health for several weeks, but the straw that broke the mama grizzly's back seems to have been this passage from Palin's endorsement of Donald Trump: "And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighbourhood tea, well, he decided that, 'No, America would apologize as part of the deal.' As the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow and we apologize and then we bend over and say, 'Thank you, enemy.'"
MIT is considering developing a computer programme to parse Palin's speech, but AIs will likely take over the world before anything that sophisticated can be developed.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1126749380557460.xml]
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Extinguishing A Faint Rey Of Hope
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' 51-member board committed to doubling the number of women and diverse members of the academy by 2020. [T]oymakers were "specifically directed" to exclude Rey from Star Wars merchandise, due to fears that products featuring female characters would not appeal to young boys.
"Marginalized artists have advocated for Academy change FOR DECADES," [director Ava] DyVernay wrote. "Actual campaigns. Calls voiced FROM THE STAGE. Deaf ears. Closed minds." "We know what sells," the industry insider claims to have been told. "No boy wants to be given a product with a female character on it."
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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I'm Sure The Shark Will Be Happy To Advise Tuna About The Safest Places In The Reef To Swim, Too
Government is fundamentally incompetent, incapable of spending public funds without tremendous amounts of waste and corruption. In all cases, without exception, the public sector is more efficient at allocating precious resources towards vital social needs.
As long as we're clear on that, let me explain to you how the Trudeau government should invest in infrastructure.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-1c18-bf9b-95b600cc36ec]
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You Read It Here...Almost First!
You may have heard reports that PostalMedia has fired 90 editorial staff members across Canada. Okay, that's true. However, we would like to assure our readers that this will in no way affect the quality of our journalism. Each of PostalMedia's newspapers will remain independent, a unique voice for its community.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2016/01/20/509727.html]
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Don't Give Time Rice Any Ideas!
Saudi Arabia's top cleric, grand mufti Shiekh Abdulaziz al-Sheikh has issued a fatwa forbidding the playing of chess, saying it "is a waste of time and money and promotes lasciviousness and anti-Islamic emotions."
"He must be thinking of strip chess," said English Chess Federation President Dominic Lawson. "But, that hasn't actually been a thing since 1923. Oh, okay, Gary Kasparov once took off his sweater in a match against Semon Palatnik, but that was just because he overestimated the strength of the air conditioning in the room!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016Jan23.html]
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What A Dummy! Everybody Knows That Sweden Is A City In Denmark!
Denmark is being criticized for passing a law that all television cooking shows in the country must feature at least one dish containing pork every episode. "Are they trying to piss off international TV producers?" asked Hell's Kitchenette producer and star Richard Hell. "Don't get me wrong: I would feature pork in every recipe if I could. I just don't want to be dictated to by some Swedish...dictator!"
"Are all Americans self-centred idiots?" blurted Danish civil liberties lawyer Ingeborg Smushmussen. "The government obviously intends to piss off Muslim refugees, not to mention those of us who advocate for them."
"Isn't Denmark a city in Sweden?" Hell asked.
"Don't make me hit my forehead with my palm, because I will!" Smushmussen, his right hand twitching, said.
Danish legislators grinned and kept their own council.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=B5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/
14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=13221]
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WARNING: This Show May Not Be Suitable For Viewers Under The Age Of 110
10pm Showcasetime. Deep Inside Ira Nayman. Really Deep. We Mean, So Deep You Won't Know Which Organ You're Looking At - Just A Smear Of Red, Pink And Brown That Will Make You Wonder. You'll Just Have To Take Our Word For It That Ira Nayman Is The Person You're Inside. Now, That Is Deep! Ira has to explain, for the 37th time this season, why a male comedian hosts a sketch comedy show with a suggestive name, when that's usually the convention for shows hosted by female comedians. At this point, he's getting pretty hostile over having to answer the question yet again, but that's kind of funny, in its own way, too.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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You may have heard reports that PostalMedia has fired 90 editorial staff members across Canada. Okay, that's true. However, we would like to assure our readers that this will in no way affect the quality of our journalism. Each of PostalMedia's newspapers will remain independent, a unique voice for its community.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/01/20/509727.html]
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