The Daily Me - Quartermaster Quentin Qarafe

Thank you, Quartermaster Quentin Qarafe, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the Kashruth Council of Canada declared that Jews did not need its blessing to smoke pot for medicinal reasons - what one did for one's health was, by definition, kosher. Groovy, man! We can't wait to serve the hash brownies at the next Passover Seder! For health purposes, of course.

Now, if we could just get a prescription from our doctor for medical bacon...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

May He Rest In Space

Rock legend David Bowie has died of cancer at the age of 69. Fan reaction to the persona associated with this new phase of his career - which has already been dubbed "The Skeletal White Duke" on the Internet - has been mostly negative.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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The City Finally Allowed The News To Go Out The Door When It Became Clear That The Lead In The Water Wasn't Going To Kill Michael Moore

Water You Afraid Of?

Why dig into a budget deeper
When you can get your water cheaper
From a new pipeline from Lake Huron?
So the tragic thinking ran
In the city of Flint, Michigan
After the state appointed to run it a fiscal conservative and environmental moron.

Nobody was given any water quality alertz
By Emergency Manager Ed Kurtz.

The city was unable to meet its deadline,
So water from the Flint River filled its old pipeline
(From out of which sewage sometimes spilled).
Unfortunately, the water was poorly treated
And lead flaked off the aging pipes (especially when heated)
Thus, with toxic chemicals they were filled.

That's the thing that really hurtz,
Emergency Manager Ed Kurtz.

Flint water was thick as mud
And did nasty things to its drinker's blood:
Child lead poisoning rates doubled.
An EPA study was flushed down the drain.
Parents who complained were called insane -
Insults were what they got for their troubles

What do you think about the lead poisoning spurtz,
Emergency Manager Ed Kurtz?

On democracy, this can be seen as an attack
Did I mention the majority of Flint citizens are black?
Obviously, they cannot be trusted with their own finances.
With a manager parachuted in by stealth
Who cares more for budget numbers than a city's health -
These days, this is how racism advances.

This is the result when a politician democracy subvertz:
I'm talking about you, Governor Rick Snyder, you who appointed Emergency Manager Ed Kurtz.

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/700.html]
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Leery Of O'Leary

First, celebrity investor Kevin O'Leary offered Alberta's NDP Premier Rachel Notley $1 million to resign. (Charmed as she was, she declined the offer.) Now, O'Leary has stated that he is interested in leading the federal Conservative Party. The possible slogans for his campaign boggle the mind. Just imagine a sign reading:

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20160110.eladvote0110_@/BNStory/newsOops2016/]
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If Walmart Greeters Aren't Ordained To Marry Shoppers, They Should Be!

A man who proposed to a woman in one Walmart was accused of stealing items, including an edible thong and a sex toy, from another Walmart later that same evening. This just shows how stupid we Americans have become. If he and his fiancee had put the edible thong and sex toy on their registry, they could have gotten them from the complete strangers who applauded the proposal and not have had to steal them.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It's Not Like It's Going To Embarrass My Party Now

Liberal Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has decided not to cancel a $15 billion deal to sell military vehicles to Saudi Arabia. Sure, Canada has rules against selling military equipment to regimes that could use it against their own people. And, sure, again, Canada is selling the vehicles to the repressive Arab monarchy's internal police, which does not suggest that they will be used in the nation's defense. Why go through with the deal? Because sunny ways, apparently.

Conservative Tony Clement has challenged the Liberal government to release any documents it has now or will ever have relating to Saudi Arabia's human rights record. How can Clement insist this when the government in which he was a cabinet minister must have undertaken its own studies of the deal that it made in the first place?

"Are you kidding? The only assessment we ever conducted before we made the deal was how many jobs we could claim to have created after it went through," Clement stated. "As for criticizing a deal we brokered, well, you really don't understand how this whole 'being voted out of office' thing works, do you?"

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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What Orifice Did You Pull That Authority Out Of, Bill?

So, President Obama - did you catch the sneer in my voice? I have a bit of a cold, and my sneering ability isn't as strong as it usually is, so I just wanted to make sure that you knew that it was there. Anyway, President Obama shed a tear when he was talking about Sandy Hook. Is this what it has come to, America? Presidents becoming all weepy over a little mass loss of life? Say what you want about President Bush - the younger one, I meam - but at least he never shed a tear when he was in office - at the order of Dick Cheney, he had his tear ducts removed before his inauguration! That is what I call presidential. Anyway, I have it on good authority that President Obama's tear wasn't even real! That's right! President Obama's tear was the result of gel released into his eye while somebody was pinching his big toe while he was thinking about the ending of Old Yeller - completely fake. Does that sound like overkill? That's the beauty of America - we don't have to choose!

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2413,95927,06.html]
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WTF? Is This Kill British Cultural Icons Month? Who's Next? Dame Helen Mirr - OH, DON'T YOU DARE!

Actor Alan Rickman has died of cancer at the age of 69 - where have I heard that before? He will be missed truly, madly, deeply. But, by Grabthar's hammer, he will be avenged!

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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