Thank you, Pierre Pizztakay, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a new perfume that recently appeared on the shelves of stores in Moscow that was inspired by Russian President Vlad "The Inhaler" Putin. It's a manly scent with a hint of masculine maleness and a macho top note. In short, it smells like decapitated bears and sweat socks, with just a hint of black currant. "Leader Number One!" Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump said, smacking his forehead, "Why didn't I call my perfume that!"
You will, Donald. You will.
Enjoy,Look For The Follow-up: One Reason Why, If You Cannot Tell Whether Or Not An Article Is Satire, You Should Probably Save Yourself Any Further Embarrassment And Turn To The Horoscopes
Seven ways to tell if something you are reading on the Internet is satire:
1. The article makes Democrats look organized and incorruptible.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2016/January/Youre_Welcome.asp]
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Well! Aren't You Just A Rey Of Sunshine!
People who are protesting the fact that Rey, the main character in The Force Awakens, was not initially included in the Star Wars version of Monopoly obviously need to be reminded of Hasbro's history of game development.
Scarlett O'Hara, for instance, was originally not in the Monopoly version of Gone With the Wind; she was only added in later editions because dedicated Taraheads complained in newspaper letters sections across the United States. And, the less said about the omission of Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy from the first edition of the Little Women Monopoly game the better.
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2016/January/Youre_Welcome.asp]
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Obviously, If You Kill In The Name Of Christianity, You Can't Be An Islamic Terrorist. C'mon, People! Use Some Common Sense. Here!
"@ericbolling: 'If You Kill in the Name of Islam, You're an Islamic Terrorist'"
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/if-you-kill-in-the-name-of-the-flying-spaghetti-monster-you-are-beyond-help/]
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It Would Have Been The Only Olympic Sport Where Drug Use Was Mandatory
The International Olympic Committee has announced that it is not considering ferret-legging as an official summer games sport.
"Putting a ferret down your pants and keeping it there longer than anybody else is not a test of physical strength or skill," IOC Chair Thomas Bach scoffed. Yes, he openly scoffed. There was much scoffage in his voice when he added, "I know some people have questioned our choice of sports in the past, but a line has to be drawn somewhere, and the closer it gets to a man's genitalia, the harder that line must be!"
Eldridtch Gumby, a former Yorkshire coal miner and part-time industrial strength stain cleaner, said something that sounded vaguely like English, but was otherwise incomprehensible. We're pretty sure it was a defense of the sport.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#54236833940]
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Other Than That, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
As of January 1, a new law has made it legal in Texas to euthanize patients in psychiatric hospitals.
"It's not entirely efficient," allowed Republican State Representative Matt Rinaldi, "as it requires the patient to wrestle with somebody bringing a gun into the psychiatric facility. Oh, and others might get shot and killed before the person turns the gun on themselves. Well, and, of course, there is the possibility that the person won't actually die, but merely be crippled for life."
Rinaldi went on to add that, despite the potential for carnage, he was certain that there could be substantial savings if enough patients in psychiatric facilities availed themselves of the opportunity for violent death afforded by the State's new open carry law. "I like to think I'm an optimist," he said.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1456742690277260.xml]
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Then Pinterest and Instagram Traded End User Licences And All Hell Broke Loose
Twitter is considering increasing the amount of characters people can use in a tweet to 10,000. At the same time, Facebook is considering limiting the number of characters people can use in a wall post to 140.
The public is very confused.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160104/geeklynews/01paddyclarkewhawhawha.htm]
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Given This Routine, I'm Lucky My Writing Is At All Barflocherent!
The seven steps I go through to get to sleep every night:
1. Lie completely under the covers for 10 to 15 minutes to make them warm and toasty (my bedroom is the coldest room in the house).SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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One Federal Policy That REALLY Stinks
Sebastian David Khan is not allowed to board an airplane because his name is on a no-fly list. Sebastian David Khan is 21 months old.
"Yeah, yeah," said Public Safety Minister Ralph Goodale, "I know, it may sound a bit extreme, but you have no idea what that kid might be packing in his diaper!"
Actually, we have a pretty good idea of what the toddler is packing in his diaper. And, while it wouldn't make the experience of travelling with him very enjoyable, it's no reason to keep him off a plane!
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/12/23/theplanetruth151223]
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