Thank you, Nina Natchez, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we felt like leading the office in a rousing rendition of "I'm dreaming of a white two days after Christmas," because nothing raises the holiday spirits quite like global warming.
Enjoy,Garbage In, Victory Out?
The United States Air Force is dropping bombs on Islamic State targets in Iraq, Syria, probably Pakistan and possibly Utah faster than they can be replaced. At the rate they're going, the Air Force will likely run out of munitions some time in June. Or, possibly next Thursday - nobody is sure exactly how many bombs the military has. But, not to worry: they have a plan.
Garbage.
"We'll pack cubes of detritus from dumps across America and drop them on our targets," explained air force secretary Deborah Lee James. "If all goes well, our enemies will contract typhoid, cholera and other diseases of squalor, and die lingering, painful deaths. And, the beauty part? The United States has so much garbage that we won't run out of ammunition for decades!"
What about collateral damage? "Of course, we will use the latest precision guided garbage payloads, "James stated, "in order to target only the bad guys with disease and keep civilian deaths to a minimum. You would be amazed at how well onboard computers can deliver the garbage!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32712640594641667687fx]
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The - ahem - bottom has dropped out of the market for a nude portrait of former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. People who were bidding up to $12,000 to buy the painting from Danielle Potvin, its current owner, are now offering $29.99 and a subway token for it. Why?
"Because it's 2015," Potvin bitterly explained.
SOURCE: Art Splorts
[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9347]
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Everything Sounds More...East European In Yiddish...
Referring to Hillary Clinton's defeat by Barack Obama in the 2008 primary race, Donald Trump told supporters in Michigan: "She was favoured to win and she got schlonged, she lost."
What a putz! No, wait, that's also Yiddish slang for a penis. What a schmuck! No, that also means - you know what? The problem isn't Trump! The problem is that Yiddish has too many slang words for penises!
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Beauty Is In The Hands Of The Tiara Holder
Steve Harvey, who is best known for...umm...being Steve Harvey, announced that the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant was Miss Colombia Ariadna Gutierrez when it was actually Miss Philippines Pia Wurtzbach. When the error was pointed out to him, he wrestled the runner-up for the crown and eventually handed it, broken points and all, to the woman to whom it rightfully belonged.
This is not the first time such an embarrassing mistake was made. In 2012, for example, it was discovered that Olivia Culpo was mistakenly crowned Miss Universe nine months into her reign. The problem was discovered when NASA scientists determined that her cheekbones were .07 millimetres off from being perfect, and her hair reflected light in the brown spectrum marginally worse than several of the runners up.
For the good of beauty lovers across the planet, the mistake was never publicly acknowledged.
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,10426,1082639,00.html]
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American Claims Of Military Precision Are Garbage - No, Wait, That's A Different Article
Air strikes believed to have been carried out by Russian warplanes killed over 70 and wounded over 150 in the centre of Idlib in northwest Syria. "If only they had our precision missiles," said American President Barack Obama, "they could avoid all of this destruction of innocent lives. As a humanitarian gesture, I would be willing to share our laser guided, precision missile technology with the Russians to avoid such a large loss of civilian life in the future."
After a moment, the President grinned and shouted, "Psych!"
Russian President Vladimir Putin shook his head sadly and muttered, "And, they accuse us of having control over the national media!"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Dec24.html]
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If Only They Had Coordinated Their Efforts With The Military, The Needless Suffering Of The Rats Could Have Been Avoided!
The rats in the dump on the outskirts of Marana, Arizona, have grown three times their normal size since the end of Christmas. No, this was not a Grinch moment - the demolition and disposal of a life-sized gingerbread house that a team of pastry chefs had created for the Ritz-Carlton, Dove Mountain hotel is being blamed.
"After the season was over, we had to get rid of the materials somehow," explained head pastry chef Daniel Mangione. "After people had walked through it for a couple of weeks, we couldn't very well have given it away to children. Not even poor ones deserved that!"
Grr Blang, the self-professed leader of the rat pack, assured Marana residents that this was only a temporary measure, and that the animals would go back to eating garbage and spreading diseases as soon as they got over the holiday bloat.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1101249884269720.xml]
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Will The Repressed Minority Get Relief? I Wouldn't Uighur Serious Money On It...
China's legislature has approved a wide-ranging anti-terror law which the country's critics say is actually meant to help the government suppress domestic dissent. Li Shouwei, a Chinese official, explained that the law was intended to counter domestic terrorists like the Uighurs.
When asked what the red liquid on his hands was, Li said, "Paint. I...I've been painting. Uhh...stop signs. We believe that manual labour is an important part of keeping civil servants humble. Rest assured, this is not a Lady Macbeth moment..."
SOURCE: Clean Slate
[http://cleanslate.com/id/2371361/]
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Then IEM Would Puke On Your Grandmother To Really Drive The Point Home
1) While middle and lower class incomes were stagnant or declined, the average CEO's compensation rose 47 per cent over the last five years, largely because of a move toward stock-based pay and away from cash. How would Irrational Economic Man respond to this news?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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