Thank you, Marcus Maledictorum, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a study from Oxford (the University, not the shoe) that argued that forcing people to start work at 9am was a form of torture because human circadian rhythms were evolutionarily adapted for cycles of the sun, not 19th century ideas of industrial production. Oxford! Work! Torture! Evolutionarily! And, we thought, Man, we could make a brilliantly acerbic comment on this if only we had the energy!
Enjoy,Oh, Science! Is There Nothing You Can't Explain?
Saudi millionaire Ehsan Abdulaziz was acquitted of rape by a British jury, which believed his argument that an 18 year-old young woman pulled him towards her on the bed and his erect penis accidentally penetrated her. But, how likely is this?
"It depends upon what assumptions you build into your model and what criteria you use," explained world famous smart person Neil deGrasse-Tyson. "In a single universe, you have to take into account the relative positions of the two bodies, the angle of the fall, whether or not the penis had enough velocity to properly penetrate the woman, and so on. When you factor in the probability that both parties would not be wearing clothes, the possibility of something like this happening seems extremely small.
"However, if you believe in multiple universe theory, then even the most statistically insignificant events will happen in some reality. So, why not this one?"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=39361841314552314083fx]
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Oh, I Totally Buy That Apology. Totally
Iraqi Defense Minister Khalid al-Obeidi has launched an investigation into an airstrike, allegedly by the American air force, that killed 10 Iraqi soldiers.
"We weren't behind the airstrike," stated US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter. "And, when I say 'weren't behind,' I really mean, 'were totally responsible for.' Totally. Still, the 10 people killed in the airstrike were high ranking ISIS members. Unless they were Iraqi soldiers. Alright, they were Iraqi soldiers. But, they were responsible for their own deaths because they weren't following proper military protocols. Well, okay, maybe they were, but I think we can agree that both we and the Iraqis bear some measure of blame for the unfortunate incident.
"In any case, I would like to apologize on behalf of the government of the United States of America for what happened. Whatever it may ultimately prove to be...
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Dec18.html]
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If Nothing Changes In The Next Few Years, We'll Publish Our Own Dictionary
According to the New America Foundation, twice as many people have died in terrorist attacks by right-wing groups in America than have died in attacks by Muslim extremists. Of the 26 attacks since 9/11 that the group defined as terror, 19 were carried out by non-Muslims.
I'm calling bullshit. Everybody knows that terrorism is defined as "Muslims attacking innocent white people." Seriously. Look it up in a dictionary if you don't believe me. That's okay. I'll wait.SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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It's Been A Long Time, But I'm Pretty Sure That Hitting Kids On The Ass Is Not An Effective Way To Break Up A Schoolyard Fight...Or Teach Them A Lesson About Not Using Violence To Resolve Disputes...
The Canadian Teacher's Federation opposes Liberal plans to repeal Section 43 of the Criminal Code, which allows parents and teachers to spank children to correct their behaviour. The CTF is concerned that if the provision is removed from the CC, teachers could be open to charges if they intervened in school fights and such.
"Teacher's shouldn't be allowed to hit our children!" complained an outraged Paloma Patango, the spokesperson for Parental Pathology Prerogative, a pro-spanking organization funded by the Catholic Church. "That's our job!"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Yeah, Yeah, No Need To Write Letters - I Know Netanyahu Wouldn't Train The Family Dog To Attack Arabs...He Has An Army For That
Benjamin Netanyahu said on Friday his family had put its dog Kaiya into quarantine after it bit two guests at a Hanukkah candle lighting ceremony for members of his Likud Party.
"It was an unfortunate mistake," Netanyahu explained. "She mistook our friends for Arabs!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1398351676225]
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PS, We Hate You
NOVEMBER 24, 2013
Subject PS complained loudly of "obstructed bowel movement." Analysts believe that the phrase "obstructed bowel movement" is code for "sapping the United States of the will to defend itself against its enemies through the use of subversive music and maybe drugs. Yeah, definitely drugs."
DECEMBER 17, 2013
PS lay very still in his hospital bed today. Very still. He could be in a coma. Still. We're having a hard time determining how he is passing messages to enemies of the United States. Would it be possible to ask the Director for more funds for this mission?
JANUARY 9, 2014
Some fluttering of the eyelids. We're having Cryptology take a look at the hidden camera footage to determine if this constituted a message to enemies of the United States. So far, they have identified three words: "cockroach," "orange" and "love." Could he be using codes within codes? The cryptic fiend!
FEBRUARY 4, 2014
Looked for headstone to see if it contained any coded messages, but PS threw us a curveball by getting cremated! There is no video of the smoke that came from the crematorium chimney - it is possible, even likely that it contained a secret message for enemies of the United States. Will spend the next couple of weeks canvassing people in the neighbourhood to determine if they saw anything unusual the day Subject PS was cremated. In the meantime, surveillance continues.SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940cahs01.html]
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57 Per Cent Of THEM Believe America Is Now Governed By Sharia Law, But It Just Hasn't Hit Their City Yet
A recent poll showed that 53 per cent of Americans believe that a Muslim couldn't be elected President. Oddly, the same poll showed that, of those people, 87 per cent believe that a Muslim already has been elected President.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227537]
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