The Daily Me - Lola Lichtenstein

Thank you, Lola Lichtenstein, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we played with the action figures. We crayoned in the adult colouring book (making sure to stay within the lines) and, when we were done with that, we did the children's colouring book (lines? what lines?). We ate the Kraft Dinner, the cereal, the soup, the junk food and the ice cream, then washed it all down with coffee with the creamer. We even ate bread right out of the toaster. We got online connectivity through the ISP. We bitched about it on the laptop (but we used the duct tape on our mouths because the people around us were sick of hearing about it). We chewed the painkillers. We used the condoms. Throughout it all, though, we felt that something was missing. It took a while, but, finally, we smacked our foreheads with the palms of our hands in shocked recognition.

We had forgotten to watch the movie!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Much Ado About Noting

In an event of historic proportions, politicians from over 150 nations have signed a piece of paper. "This is a great day for stationery," exulted American President Barack Obama. "All of us signing this piece of paper will lead to other groups of world leaders signing other pieces of paper in the future, which could lead to a comprehensive book!"

There are critics of the signing on both sides of the political spectrum. "This paper doesn't go far enough," complained Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders. "It's plain eight and a half by 11 and a half stock. We can no longer accept these half measures - when I am elected President, I will ensure that the paper is heavy vellum!"

"This paper goes too far!" whinged Republican frontrunner Donald Trump. "If I was President, we would have written this on stone tablets!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Dec09.html]
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Wait! Wasn't Your Party In Power During That Period?

According to a report from Public Accounts Canada, the army lost 22,284 items of combat clothing worth about $1.5 million last year. The vast majority of this was expected to never be recovered.

"Can you imagine it?" interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose painted a picture: "Canadian troops going into combat completely naked! They'll be laughed off the battlefield before they're killed!"

"Not at all," smoothly countered Minister of Defense Harjit Sajjan. "Canada's fighting men and women are so amply endowed that the enemy will be awed by the sight of their naked bodies. This will be a tactical advantage that we can use to gain the upper hand in any battle."

Montgomery Prast, a private currently serving in Syria, commented, "Yipe!"

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/12/13/clothescalls151213]
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If These Appointments Were Truly Based On The Applicant's Merits
Who Has Filled The Lower Courts - A Bunch Of Rabid Ferrets?

Judge Not

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas
Knows how to make out of himself an ass,
But his latest pronouncement may all his previous ones surpass:
He argues that an official religion can be established by each state.
So, if Texas wanted Sharia law it could - oh, wait...
Why do strict constructionists propose theories the Founding Fathers would obviously hate?

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
Has a permanent case of verbal diarrhea.
Here's an idea:
Whenever you get the urge to say
Blacks would be better off in less academic schools anyway,
Hit yourself in the head with a brick until it goes away!

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/699.html]
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And, Adding "...In Bed" Or "...And Then You Die" At The End Wasn't All That Amusing

I went with friends to a French/Chinese fusion restaurant last night. All of the fortune cookies had the same message: "Hell is other people!"

SOURCE: Cohan

[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-12-12-15]
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Because 2015...Resembles 1955 More Than Many Would Care To Admit

International journalists have been fawning over his fashion sense and great hair ever since Justin Trudeau was elected Prime Minister of Canada. It has gotten to the point where he was featured in a spread in fashion magazine Vogue as possibly the sexiest leader of a country in the world.

I guess he really was serious when he said on the campaign trail that one of his goals was ensuring that female and male politicians would be treated equally!

SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker

[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%5C%20%0A&type=a&mr=332&CFID=797762&CFTOKIN=18757653]
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Trump Campaign, On The Other Hand, Claims Incident Was Example Of Candidate Bravely Defending Himself From A Rabid Raptor

In a series of photos that have gone fungal on the Internet, Donald Trump shrank away in fear as Sam the Eagle, who was perched on the end of his desk, took a peck at him.

In his defence, Sam the Eagle told reporters, "Hey! I was standing there, minding my own business, looking very American if I do say so myself, when that jerk reached towards me. For what? I didn't know. It could have been a knife. Or, a raccoon. I just didn't know. So, yeah, I pecked him. You know why? Because I wasn't allowed to pack heat in his press opportunity! You really think I would have pecked at him if I could have blown him away! Stupid gun laws..."

SOURCE: Ours is the Kingdom - News for the Everyday Animal in the Streets

[http://www.nondisneyanimalkingdom.com/home]
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Mono(culture) - Not Just A Disease Of Promiscuous Youth Any More!

What do the following words and phrases have in common?

If a new study that warns that 99 per cent of banana crops grown for export, as well as local consumption, will be destroyed by a strong strain of a plant disease that has existed for 200 years is true, these parts of phrases will make no sense to future generations.

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1194H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1662614B714391]
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First As Tragedy, Then As Farts

Pro-gun demonstrators staging a mock mass shooting near the University of Texas at Austin on Saturday were responded to by a large group of counter-protesters wielding dildos and machines that generated fart sounds.

"You know what they say," said counter-protester Jean-Paul Fartre: "I stink, therefore I am."

"Aww, they don't know beans!" complained pro-gun demonstrator Paul Shooter. "When somebody like me comes at them with a strawberry, farts aren't going to help them defend themselves!"

"They might if we light them on fire," Fartre pointed out.

SOURCE: USA Whenever

[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2015-12-12-pro-gun-rally-stinks_x.htm]
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