The Daily Me - Killian Kalabash

Thank you, Killian Kalabash, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the Vatican taking journalists Gianluigi Nuzzi and Emiliano Fittipaldi to court for disclosing secrets concerning the city-state's questionable financial practices, and thought, What are we? Chopped holy wafers? Weren't we the ones who broke the story about the Pope's flammable pajamas? Surely we deserve to be at least a footnote in a Vatican criminal case! We console ourselves with the fact that we could always have our journalistic integrity challenged by a court in Egypt.

Or, Saudi Arabia.

Or, China.

Or...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

There Really Is A Greeting Card For Everything!

We are all shouting an Allah Akhbar chorus
Because you are doing our recruiting for us
By bombing innocent civilians, effendi.
Seriously! Last month, we could barely afford the rent
Now recruitment is up by three hundred twenty-seven per cent!
We hope that knowledge does not offend thee. Tee hee.

Are you helping our cause? Oh, boy, and how!
Killing two game wardens, six hunters and a cow.

You may experience a little dissonance
Because of your insistence that all of the dead were dissidents,
Aiming to destroy the west through terror.
Everybody, we suppose, has their party line
(We tell our people Americans are heartless, murdering swine).
Shh - that's okay - we won't tell anybody about your error.

If the dead weren't radicals before, they sure are now!
Two game wardens, six hunters and a cow.

We're not fond of the name Daesh
(Would you like to be reminded all the time of David Koresh?).
Aww, do not take it so hard - we're just trying to rib ya!
Keep up the good bombing, we'll keep up the applause.
Oh, and if you really want to help out our cause,
Could you send some bombs in the direction of Libya?

What did you get for your bombing run anyhow?
Two game wardens, six hunters and a cow.

SOURCE: Hellmark Greeting Cards

[http://www.hellmark.com/hmk/Website/Shopping/sh_eg_home.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0681389116.1099167919@@@@&BV_EngineID=hadcllcgffdibedcfchcgn.0]
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Brewers Counter That Most Of Their Customers Won't Be Able To Tell The Difference
Marketing Gurus Split On Whether This Will Help Or Hurt

Beer drinkers (and the people who love them) are suing in an effort to stop Anheuser-Busch InBev NV from taking over SABMiller Plc. They claim that the deal will force them to pay higher prices for lower-quality beer.

Labbat beer fans responded, "We feel your pain."

SOURCE: NOW and THEN

[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=001998]
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You've Got To Admit: The Woman Ambrose To The Challenge

According to Statistics Canada, the country lost 35,700 jobs in November. Most of them had been created the month before as a result of the federal election.

Interim Conservative Party leader Rona Ambrose thinks she knows how to solve the problem: federal elections every six months. Given that the Liberals have a mandate that does not run out for another four years, isn't this position a little self-serving?

"Not at all," Ambrose explained. "It's just one of those wonderful coincidences that what's good for the country is good for the Party!"

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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You'd Think It Would Make A Nice Change From Overt Cynicism Syndrome, But It Really Doesn't

Selective Naivety Syndrome: a political condition marked by a publicly professed belief in something that is patently unbelievable. USAGE: "The Liberals based their first budget on numbers supplied by the previous Conservative government? Seriously? Has any incumbent government ever gone into an election giving the public an honest assessment of the country's finances? I mean, ever? The Liberals were clearly suffering from Selective Naivety Syndrome!"

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page

[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Hard To Imagine That Burke Will Be Giving Francis A Christmas Card This Year

After Pope Francis kissed a one year-old girl with a deadly brain tumour, it began to shrink, and now is almost completely gone. Members of the Pennsylvania family of the girl are calling it a miracle. In Catholicism, as all good Catholics (and, presumably, some bad ones, and, if we're going to be that way about it, many of the ones who lie somewhere in the middle) know, a proven miracle is a necessary condition for Sainthood.

"We can only hope that Pope Francis dies very soon," stated Cardinal Raymond Burke, prefect of the Apostolic Signatura, the Vatican's Supreme Court. "What? You have to be dead five years before you can become a Saint. That's all I meant. Why? What did you think I meant?"

SOURCE: Religion For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=538&dir=bb]
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Hair Is The Obvious One

Donald Trump has announced that, as President, the only people he would allow to immigrate to the United States would be those who are named Donald Trump. "And, not those who have changed their names, either," he explained, "the sneaky bastards. No, if you want to come to America, you have to have been born with the name Donald Trump! Donald Trump. Doooooonald Truuuuuuuuuuu -"

There are approximately 12 people in the world with the name Donald Trump. Trump seemed surprised: "That many? Hmm...I may have to add some more obstac - I mean, conditions to the selection process..."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Dec07.html]
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What About Sad-Hu? How Do You Expect Me To Take Your List Seriously If Sad-Hu Isn't On It? Wasn't He The New Ad-Hit?

Nine dictator's names that have been given the cutesy tabloid shortening treatment:

1. Ad-Hit
2. Ro-Mug
3. Ruh-Koh
4. Aug-Pin
5. Idi-Am
6. Jo-Stal
7. Gen-Kha
8. Ben-Muss
9. Mu-Gad

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/December/Cute_As_A_Nuclear_Button.asp]
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Can A Creature Comb Over Its Hair When It Doesn't Have Any?
Scientific Opinion Is Divided

Dinosaur tracks found on the Isle of Skye in Scotland indicate that sauropods knew how to boogie.

"The pattern is clear," said Steve Brusatte of the University of Edinburgh. "They put their left foot in. They put their left foot out. They put their right foot in and they shook it all about. This is one of the most remarkable dinosaur discoveries in Scotland since Big Country decided to do a comeback tour!

There was no word on whether the dinosaurs from 170 million years ago wore polyester leisure suits when they danced, although the fossil record suggests that a meteor of sufficient size would have made a bitching disco ball as it fell to the Earth.

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1334H3EC-2C105-20K5-AAA1742614B702891]
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