The Daily Me - Julie Jezebel

Thank you, Julie Jezebel, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we predicted that Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be the highest grossing science fiction blockbuster of the holiday season. Of course, it's the only science fiction blockbuster of the holiday season - all of the other science fiction blockbusters are scaredy cats who are cowering behind busy release schedules and might come out to play next summer if we dangle an enticing string of opening weekend numbers in front of them...as long as some other big, bad science fiction blockbuster doesn't open then, too! Still, that, uhh, in no way invalidates our prediction.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

You'll Recognize Them Because They Have Star Wars Characters On The Handle
Disney Is Going To Make A Killing Off Of That Branding!

At least 14 people are dead and 17 injured after a shooting in San Bernadino, California by three people reportedly carrying rifles and wearing body armour. This is an event so common in the United States, it has been given a name: Friday.

National Ri - no, sorry. Friday is the name given to mass shootings at health care facilities that provide abortions. Mass shootings at health care facilities other than those that provide abortions are known as Wednesday.

National Rifle Association spokesadist Wayne La Pierre made the usual argument that there would have been fewer dead if the victims had been better armed. When it was pointed out that many of the people who were killed were mentally challenged adults, he pointed out: "That's why we have starter pistols."

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1947749350263872.xml]
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And Lo, The Right Wing Pundits Didst Ignore Him. Because Right Wing

And, so it came to pass that one day an madman ranting about "no more baby parts" didst shoot up a Planned Parenthood office, thus killing three people and injuringest nine more. And, Fox News pundit Heather Childers didst look upon this deed and sayest, "Politicizing a tragedy, Planned Parenthood blaming GOP rhetoric for the deadly shooting. And now Republican presidential candidates are firing back." And Roger Ailes didst look upon the statement. And Roger Ailes didst find it good.

Not to be outdone, beaten, bested, defeated or vanquished, Rush Limbaugh didst add: "It's almost as though when these events happen, there's a bit of excitement because they [Liberals] get to go into gear immediately, with their planned responses that tar and feather and blame Republicans for this, when once again there isn't a single Republican fingerprint on any of this."

Not a right wing video that didst falsely claim Planned Parenthood sold "baby parts." Nor Republican politicians who didst promote the video as though it were truth. Nor right wing pundits who didst give a platform for Republican politicians who didst promote the video as though it were truth. Democrats.

And lo, The Lord, your God, Creator of the Universe, looked upon the right wing reaction to the Colorado Springs shooting, and He shook His head in wonder, awe, disbelief, general stunnedness, and wonder. And, He spake. And, He didst say: "Too soon!"

SOURCE: The Bible - The Continuing Story

[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_the_human_comedy/lk06_37a.html]
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Or Refined Sugar

People are so health conscious these days - am I right? You know the best way to get addicts to quite cocaine? Tell them there's bacon in it!

SOURCE: Cohan

[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-15-12-13]
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It's Never Too Soon To Save Lives?

As the federal government prepares to welcome 25,000 Syrians fleeing their war-torn homeland, the potentially dangerous security detail has one part-time soldier's father's brother's father's aunt's mother's sister's mother's mother's mother extremely concerned.

"It's happening way too fast and there are far too many unanswered questions," the woman, who spoke to the Toronto Stunned on condition of anonymity because she likely doesn't exist and we couldn't be bothered to make up a name for her, said.

"We already know ISIS has infiltrated other countries by having refugees pose as operatives even though there is no proof that that has ever happened," the possibly imaginary woman wrung her gnarled...yet young looking hands in anguish. "So, I don't understand why our government is in such a rush. Mmm...Rush. Now, there's somebody who understands imaginary fears!"

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2015/01/22/509727.html]
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3a. Of Course, He Might Just Be Gay, But That Would Present Its Own Complicated Issues

Seven signs your lover may be an undercover Scotland Yard officer investigating the political protest movement you're a part of:

1. He asks you to coo sweet nothings louder...into the lamp on the table on your side of the bed.
2. His iTunes playlist consists entirely of cover versions of Johnny Rivers' "Secret Agent Man."
3. He seems less interested in your cute younger sister than in the obnoxious, overweight guy who founded the movement.
4. You meet cute in the drone section of your local electronics store.
5. When you ask him why he was trying to access the email account on your laptop, he says he was looking for a recipe for lamb soup...stew. Lamb soupstew.
6. His favourite sexual position is "The Cornered Rat."
7. When you suggest that you could get serious about him, he replies that he doesn't "think about long-term assignments."

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/December/Undercover_Not_Aboveboard.asp]
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Or, Have Traffic Signals
Or, Rules Of The Road
Or, Roads

78% of people who drive do not do so after having drunk alcohol.
82% of people who drive do not do so after smoking a joint.
87% of people who drive cars do not get into accidents.
88% of people who drive cars do not get into accidents from which they leave before police arrive.
92% of people who drive cars do not get into accidents in which somebody is killed.

Therefore, we do not need to licence people who drive cars.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It's Hard To Duck And Cover Under A Prayer Mat

British lawmakers voted by a wide margin to join the international campaign of airstrikes against Daesh by bombing Tower Hamlets in London. "We will take the fight to the medieval monsters who are terrorizing the world," explained British Prime Minister David Cameron.

"Monsters? Us? Please!" exclaimed Chief Imam of the East London Mosque Abdul Qayum. "I'm a big fan of Manchester United! To break the fast of Ramadan, we serve an exquisite vegetable curry! I've watched Dr. Who since I was - oh, umm, excuse me, but it sounds like the kettle is boiling. At least, I hope that whistling means that a kettle is boiling!"

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMDSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUfreDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/
JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=54448]
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