Thank you, Ingratzia Ivanova, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a study that showed that the median earnings from a single act of theft are only $37.50 and thought: All right! We've finally found a profession that pays worse than journalism! Thievery! Upon further reflection, our euphoria quickly ebbed and we were left with an empty feeling that no amount of Thanksgiving turkey could fill.
Not that we didn't try...
Enjoy,And Human Greed And Stupidity Seemed Like Such A Safe Bet!
IMAGE: still of several players sitting around a table from an online poker Web site.
QUEBEC GOVERNMENT: Now that Quebec has started its own online casino, the revenue it brings in will make up for any budget shortfalls.
QUEBEC GOVERNMENT'S INNER VOICE: Revenue from Espacejeux has failed to meet expectations, leaving Quebec with a hole in its budget.
QUEBEC GOVERNMENT: No problem. We'll simply introduce a law that prohibits Internet service providers from giving access to online gambling sites whose operation is not authorized under Quebec law. Once we've eliminated most of the competition, we'll be rolling in dough!
QUEBEC GOVERNMENT'S INNER VOICE: But, telecommunications is a federal, not provincial jurisdiction. And, even if the feds don't object, there will certainly be free speech challenges to the law! Oh, this is bad! It's not going to work!
QUEBEC GOVERNMENT: I'm not addicted to gambling revenue. I can quit and raise taxes on those who can afford it most any time I want.
QUEBEC GOVERNMENT'S INNER VOICE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Raise taxes? Have you learned nothing about capital fight from the 1970s?
ANNOUNCER: Do you have an inner voice telling you that your province has a gambling problem? Maybe you should listen to it!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Did You By Any Chance Graduate From The Mo Brooks School Of Compassionate Conservativism?
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/hes-an-embarrassment-to-the-name...david/]
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Okay, Condition #17, That The EU Negotiate While Wearing Mime Makeup And Leotards, Is A Bit Much
The European Union has scrapped plans to label exports from Israeli settlements in the West Bank as "from Israeli settlements in the West Bank." The EU hopes that now that this block on the road to peace between Israel and the Palestinians has been removed, talks can move forward again.
"Absolutely!" enthused Israeli spokesperson Yagadal Yigadash. "Just as soon as the EU meets these 27 other conditions..."
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1498023597425]
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The Kid Has A Point (About Being Ridiculed, If Not About The Yoga Pants)
A free yoga class offered by the student union at the University of Ottawa has been suspended because of a complaint made by a student that it amounted to "cultural appropriation." This may be an oversimplification.
"I really objected to middle aged people wearing yoga pants," the student, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of ridicule, explained. "All those flabby thighs in tight spandex - uuuuuuugh! But, nobody would listen to me when I complained about that. Soooooo..."
Neomie Duval, a spokeswoman for the university, chuckled and said, "We are soooooo staying out of this!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/11/22/509727.html]
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Remind Me: What's So Poetic About A Babbling Brooks?
It takes a special kind of person to look upon vast amounts of human suffering and say to himself, "But, how is this going to affect government revenues?" (By which, of course, he actually means: "But, how is this going to affect my taxes?") Fortunately, the Republican Party seems to have no shortage of special persons these days.
Who wouldn't want a vacation from torture, rape and murder? Alabama Representative Mo "Better" Brooks, it would appear. If he ever found himself in an overcrowded refugee camp facing food shortages, filthy water, disease-carrying insects and potential violence, he would undoubtedly say, "I'm not going to try and make my way to a free country because I don't want to be a burden on their already overtaxed citizens!"
Yeah. Sure, he would.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Only If He Can Charge It To His Senate Account
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1076538825]
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So Hip, It Hurts The Artificial Joint
In an attempt to woo millennials, the Canadian broadcasting Corporation has developed a set of emojis based on CBC personalities. (Emojis, for those of you who are not millennials, are hieroglyphs created by corporate committees.) Reaction has been swift.
"the rick mercer emoji looks like a demonic ventriloquist's dummy with a weird afro," tweeted @isfulltimework2much2ask4. They followed this up with: "peter mansbridge looks like my Uncle Manny, the one whos always sleeping off benders on the couch in the TV room!"
@oyveytheworld&this2 tweeted: "David Suzuki emoji lookslike teh old lady from Golden Girls, in disguise for some reason"
Perhaps the harshest response came from @iheartinstagram, who tweeted: "who r these people?"
It could have been worse. The CBC was at one point considering a keyboard full of adult emojis prominently featuring Jian Ghomeshi.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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f) Women Aren't As Desperate To Judge Their Worth By Their Performance In The Bedroom
10 per cent isn't very impressive) More than half a million men got prescriptions for Viagra in its first month on the market; in a similar time period, only 227 women have gotten prescriptions for Addyi, the female equivalent. Why the difference?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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