Thank you, Dom Delouse, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had a strange encounter with some kind of x-rated magic. When we put our hand in our pocket in the morning, we discovered that we had less change than we thought we had. It happens. Ten hours later, as we were sitting on the toilet one last time before to going to sleep, we heard the jangling of coins. We took off our PJ bottoms and were carefully inspecting them when the jangling continued from, you know, down there. We finally found the missing change in the part of our underwear inside the hole where a kind of pouch forms. We had spent the entire day, including going to the bathroom several times, with eight coins in our underwear, and hadn't heard or felt a thing.
That's some freaky Penn and Teller shit right there.
Enjoy,There's A Joke About Monkeys And Butts To Be Made, Here, But I'm Too Giddy With Relief To Make It
Now that the Wicked Witch of the West is well and truly dead, some of the flying monkeys who used to do her bidding feel emboldened to criticize her performance.
"I think her obvious weakness was in her tone," said a flying monkey named Jason K. "I think we need a Wicked Witch who is sunnier and more optimistic than the one we had."
"I'm not comfortable with the whole idea," of Bill C-24 said flying monkey Deepak O. That was the edict that said that anybody could be boiled in oil at any time. "The Wicked Witch of the West was aware of the fact that I was not very happy about this."
Not all of the flying monkeys agreed with the criticism, however. "Any views on why we failed to control Emerald City, I owe it to my species to share with others of my kind instead of the media and the public," flying monkey Guy G. stated. "So, will you all just please shut the ARRRRGH up!"
The Mayor of Emerald City, known as The Wizard, smiled to himself and said, "No way I'm getting involved in this. Please pass the popcorn so I can fully enjoy watching it..."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=35388641314024314329fx]
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PS: If You See His Name On Ashley Madison, Assume It's A Fake Account, Because We're Good People And Why Would You Want To Cause Us Such Grief?
Dear World,
We're happy that you think our new Prime Minister is a stone cold fox. Really, we are. But, hands off! (Yes, we're looking at your, France!) He's ours!
Sincerely,SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-379414794cahs01.html]
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Satire Isn't Dead, But I Would Get That Cough Looked After If I Were It...
Petra Laszlo, a camerawoman who was caught on video kicking and tripping Syrian migrants fleeing police in Hungary, is suing one of the men she tripped and Facebook. "I'm not a heartless, racist children-kicking camerawoman," Laszlo stated. "I do not deserve the political witch hunts against me, nor the smears or often the death threats. I'm just a woman, and now an unemployed mother of small children, who made a bad decision in a situation of panic."
The Absurd Ironyometer threw up its hands. "That's not irony," it exclaimed, "that's just crazy!"
The Bag of Crazy vehemently shook its...top opening, as if to say, "Don't look at me. Nope. Not touching this one with a ten foot drawstring!"
Les Pages aux Folles reminded them and its other features of their responsibility to ridicule bad behaviour. Their collective response could be summed up as, "If your so keen, do it yourself!"
The Web site opened its mouth as if to respond, then closed it. A couple of minutes later, it made a Donald Trump joke...
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Kind Of A Mixed Message, There...
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/151024/geeklynews/01onyourmark.htm]
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It's All About The Benjamin
HIS 357 - NEW PERSPECTIVES ON AMERICAN HISTORY. Everything you know about American history is wrong! King George didn't want to impose a tea tax on the colonies until Palestinian Grand Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini told him, "Let them pay." Richard Nixon was hesitant about sending burglars to the Watergate hotel, but then Palestinian Grand Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini advised him, "Let them enter." President George W. Bush was looking for peaceful means of dealing with Saddam Hussein, but then Palestinian Grand Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini stated, "Let him learn." This is American history like it's never been taught before! INSTRUCTOR: Benjamin Netanyahu. PREREQUISITES: An unthinking loyalty to the Likud Party (sometimes masquerading as an unthinking loyalty to the state of Israel).
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v59/i13/36a02601.htm]
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It's All Fun And Games Until 27 Civilians Get Their Eyes Melted In A Drone Strike
Internal government notes say that, as a result of Bill C-51, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service is likely to team up with "pleasure seeking allies" such as the American CIA and British MI6 to get stinking drunk and plan "disruption activities" abroad. This is a broadening of CSIS' powers, which previously were limited to getting "slightly buzzed" and watching as the foreign spy services got to have "all the fun."
"Let's be honest," said CSIS Director Michel Coulombe, "if you had the power to change text on the ISIS Web site from quotes from the Quran to quotes from Lady Chatterley's Lover, wouldn't you do it? Ch'yeah, right you would! Damn right you would! Or, how about fiddling around with the GPS in a Syrian tank so that it was constantly circling back into a car wash? Or...or...or, how about changing the airline reservation of a Canadian citizen suspected of going to the Middle East to train with Jihadis so that he is assigned a seat next to a mother with a newborn child? Priceless!
"I tell you, Canadian security forces haven't had this much fun since the RCMP blew up a barn!"
People who are concerned about civil liberties stared open-mouthed, not knowing where to begin.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20151023.eladvote1023_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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