The Daily Me - gillian anderson's yellow hair

Thank you, gillian anderson's yellow hair, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Anthony Horowitz, author of the latest James Bond novel, stated that Idris Elba was "too street" to play the British spy in the movies. Too street? What the hell does that mean? Elba is full of potholes and is closed at the most inconvenient times, making traffic a nightmare? That's a lot of urban angst to blame on an actor!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Sorry, But Urine, The Way

Revised Conservative Party Candidate Interview Questionnaire

1) Have you ever peed into an unusual receptacle (ie: coffee mug, sports trophy, mukluk, other)?
1a) Were you caught on video peeing into said object?
1b) Is the video public, or does it have the potential to become public (on account, perhaps, of it having been made by the public broadcaster)?

2) Have you ever made prank phone calls in which you pretended (at least, we hope you were pretending) to masturbate?
2a) Is there recorded audio of such calls that is currently publicly available, or could be made so in the future?
2b) Do you boast about the calls on your Facebook page or on other social media?

3) FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU TWELVE YEARS OLD?!!!

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-37941479cahs01.html]
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Could There Be Any More All Powerful Clique Than A Hereditary Monarchy?
Webster's Sure Doesn't Think So!

Jordan's Prince Ali bin Hussein has announced that he will be running for the Presidency of FIFA, the organizing body for football's World Cup. Promising greater transparency, Prince Ali said, "We must overcome deep-seated corruption and political deal-making. FIFA will not be run as the personal fiefdom of an all-powerful clique."

The Absurd Ironyometer rushed to its dictionary to see if the definition of the term "corruption" had been changed when it wasn't looking. Nope. Then, it looked up the term "transparency" for good measure, but it still meant, "possessing the quality of being transparent." The Absurd Ironyometer resolved to reread Orwell's essays on language, because it was clearly missing something.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Now We're Making The Same Disgraceful Mistake So We Can Learn From It When The Inevitable Flood Of Refugees From Texas Appears At Our Borders A Few Years From Now

"When Canada was a leader
Vietnamese boat people allowed us to learn from our disgrace in barring Jewish refugees decades earlier" - Globe and Mail

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1876533033]
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Fortunately, We're Under No Obligation To Run An Article On Political Crashness

CORRECTION

In a correction published last week, we incorrectly stated there had been a correction to a previously incorrect correction about political correctness. In fact, what we originally ran was not a correction, it was a crash.

SOURCE: Globe and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20150902.eladvote0902_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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Will The Plucky Little Network Succeed? Stay Tuned!

Once upon a time, there was a young television network named Cottage Life. Cottage Life was good looking, hard working and sort of popular with a certain type of viewer, but, no matter how hard it tried, there never seemed to be enough resources for Cottage Life to create new programmes. So, Cottage Life bundled up episodes of Decks, Docks and Gazebos, Brojects and Colin & Justin's Cabin Pressure and hightailed it to the big city, where the plucky little network hoped to confront the Big Bad CRTC and get its Canadian content obligations slashed.

Cottage Life made a lot of friends on its quest. One evening, the other cable networks threw it a party. "I remember when you were just a gleam in your conglomerate's eye," The Comedy Network told Cottage Life. "Now, look at you! You're going through your first rite of passage! Mazel Tov!"

SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=557&dir=bb]
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My Wall Trumps Your Rights

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Speaking Spanish the Donald Trump Way, a series of instructional videos to help border guards, immigration officers and anybody interested in the future of the United States learn how to speak to Mexican immigrants.

TRUMP: Job stealing criminal drug dealers and rapists.

ANNOUNCER: We haven't started yet.

TRUMP: I started the moment I was conceived, and I never stopped! Get on with it.

PAUSE.

ANNOUNCER: Where is the nearest financial institution?

TRUMP: I need to rob a bank to feed my drug habit. Is there one near here?

PAUSE.

ANNOUNCER: You have a beautiful wife.

TRUMP: You so much as look at my wife the wrong way - oh, screw it, even the right way - and I'll sick immigration officers on you so fast it'll make your empty head spin! Pervert! Next phrase.

PAUSE.

TRUMP: I said: next phrase!

ANNOUNCER: Do you speak English?

TRUMP: Of course I speak English! Who do you take me for? Jeb Bush? Loser! Or, maybe some other loser who can't make it in his own country so he comes over here to mess up our country? Listen, pal, the United States is the greatest country the world has ever known, and you don't get anywhere here speaking frigging Mexican! You wanna live in America? Learn to speak frigging American. You probably won't be able to speak it so good as me, but as long as you know the basics, you should be able to make yourself understood to a real human being. I mean, come on: how hard is it to say, "Where's the nearest Welfare office?"

ANNOUNCER: (over him) This has been Speaking Spanish the Donald Trump Way, the first in a series of instructional videos to help border guards, immigration officers and anybody interested in the future of the United States learn how to speak to Mexican immigrants. Order the whole set today!

SOURCE: Weekends!

[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227528]
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A Lot Of Canadians Get Brain Cramps Listening To Him

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced that Canada will now take in 20,000 Syrian refugees, twice the number his government had previously announced. "Who's compassionate now?" he sneered. "Who -"

"Wait a minute," Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne interrupted his crowing. "Wait just a minute! Ontario has pledged to take in the 10,000 additional refugees! Are you including those in your calculations?"

"Ontario is in Canada, isn't it?" Harper smugged.

Wynne opened her mouth to respond, but he brain couldn't come up with anything appropriate.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1082591838813&call_pageid=968642278492&col=966695402154]
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