Thank you, westerbrook tentpeg, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the 15 year-old boy who was arrested at Pearson Airport for what looked like several sticks of dynamite connected to a timer. It was, of course, an alarm clock. Ah, the follies of youth! The incident reminded us of our own cross-border mishap featuring a pink elephant, a ratchet saw and 10,003 rubber duckies. We'll never be allowed into Bolivia again, and it wasn't even one of the countries involved!
Good times.
Enjoy,Where There's A Willfulness, There's A "No Way!"
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A MOTHER is chopping vegetables and occasionally putting them into a pot. She looks up, into the camera.
MOTHER: Oh. Hi. You know what worries me about this election? Which politician is going to take a stand in favour of the innocence of our children? Yeah, un hunh, you know what I'm talking about. All this...sex education in our schools. I don't want my beautiful daughter to be learning the Flying Monkey position in grade 10! All our children need to know is that they should not be having sex until they've been married twice and are 35 years old! Un hunh. Un hunh. Abstinence, some call it. I call it common sense. There's only one political party committed to my freedom to -
DAUGHTER, eight months pregnant, waddles into the kitchen and goes to the fridge. Mother watches her.
MOTHER: Oh. Ah. Hi, Palimpsest. I...I'm in the middle of something, here, sweetie.
DAUGHTER: (grunts) I'm so hungry all the time.
MOTHER: Well, but, if you didn't eat so much, you might not be gaining so much weight...
DAUGHTER: Mom!
MOTHER: Well, it's true!
DAUGHTER: I'm not fat!
MOTHER: No, dear. You're just big-boned. But -
DAUGHTER: This bulge? In my stomach? How many times do I have to tell you that it's not because I'm fat?
MOTHER: Now, dear, denying reality doesn't change it.
DAUGHTER: Mooom! I'm eating for two, now!
MOTHER: I'm sure your boyfriend can eat for himself.
Daughter slams door of fridge shut.
DAUGHTER: Ugh! I'm going to order a pizza!
Daughter stalks out of the kitchen. Pause.
MOTHER: (turning back to the camera) Children! Who can understand them? (pause) So. As I was saying. There's only one party committed to my freedom to keep my children ignorant of sexual reality. And, that's who I'm voting for in this election!
Mother goes back to chopping vegetables.
ANNOUNCER: This ad was paid for by the Harper Government of Canada.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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BIST? Aren't They The British Interstellar Seasoning Truants?
I have not read Jonathan Jones' article in The Guardian on the late Terry Pratchett. But, his is the kind of specious argument (that if a book isn't serious in style and tone, it cannot be serious in intent) that helps unhappy financial analysts and political operatives believe that reading books that people like Jones insist are good for them isn't as boring as they think.
And, just from the three words ("offence," "million" and "shop") of the article that I did read, I get the distinct impression that Jones is the kind of person who enjoys kicking sheep while asleep for taking him away from the Big Important Serious Things (BISTs) he would be doing if he wasn't in bed.
And, honestly, if I had been given the choice, what Jonathan Jones does in his bed is not something I would ever have wanted to know.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.44.13/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Oh, my goody good goodness! Wandering around Fan Expo, I got a picture of Gillian Anderson! Yeah, that Gillian Anderson! How amazing is that?! It, uhh, it's only a picture of her hair, and, well, there's no way around this, so I'll just come out and say it: her hair is yellow. She dyed it for, I don't know, some film role or other. Or, maybe it's just a phase she's going through - celebrities, am I right?
But, Gillian Anderson! I loved her in Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story! I, err, heard she was in some popular television show, too, so you may know of her from that.
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Justin Trudeau - He's Just Not Ready...To Save Us From A Zombie Apocalypse
The evolving Conservative position on the economy:
The economy is doing fine. The economy has some weak spots, but we are not in a recession. We are not in a recession; one sector of the economy is doing poorly, but 80% of the economy is doing fine. The economy has had two quarters of negative growth, so we are in what is known as a "technical recession," but that's just a rule of thumb, not an actual economic definition.* The economy is in recession, but it is shallow and will be short-lived; we expect the economy will soon be taking off. 
The economy is in recession, but at least we're not in a depression. We are in what is known as a "technical depression," but that's just a rule of thumb, not an actual economic definition. The economy is in a depression, but it is shallow and will be short-lived; we expect the economy will soon be taking off. We are not in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. We are in what is known as a "technical zombie apocalypse," but it is shallow and will be short-lived, with little negative effect on the economy. The zombie apocalypse has had a negative effect on the economy, but that will soon pass. Okay, the zombie apocalypse has devastated the economy, but if the Liberals or NDP had been in office, it would have been worse!
* Ignore the fact that that is how we defined the term recession in a recently passed law on balanced budgets. SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=567&dir=bb]
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