On The Record And Off The Wall
In response to a landmark Supreme Court ruling banning the practice of police obtaining information about Internet subscribers without a warrant, the Harper Government of Canada is considering an administrative scheme that would return that power to them.
"The Ashley Madison leak gave us a lot of great information," said Moose Knuckle Police Chief Harvard Internest, "but we can't rely on computer hackers to provide us with illicit information we should be collecting ourselves!"
After a moment's reflection, Internest said, "You...can edit out the part about Ashley Madison...riiiiight? The Moose Knuckle PD does not want to be seen condoning computer hacking."
After an additional moment's reflection, he continued: "You know, the more I think about it - is it too late to change my answer to, 'No comment?'"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/08/27/prideoftheinternest150827]
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As the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged more than 1,000 points and stock markets around the world corrected - violently corrected with a distinct lack of compassion or remorse - robo-advisers acted quickly to reassure clients.
"I. Know. Things. Look. Bad. Now," Buffetbot3000 said in a video sent to its newsletter subscribers, "But. This. Is. Just. A. Co-rrec-tion. It. Is. Part. Of. The. Nat-u-ral. Cycle. Of. The. Mark-et. It. Is. No-thing. To. Worr-y. A-bout."
A few moments later, Lehman2Sleeman posted a video in which it told its clients: "You. Look. Like. You. Are. A-bout. To. Cry. Do. You. Need. A. Mo-ment? A. Tiss-ue? Would. You. Like. To. See. Photos. Of. Cute. Kitt-ens?"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB137712397486118429,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Billionaire's Child
Abraham Reichmann is suing his parents, Ada and Ralph, claiming they cut off his income, leaving him short of money to support his family. Children across the country are watching the case carefully.
"If Abraham wins," said Timmy, age seven, "it will mean that parents cannot arbitrarily cut off their children's allowances. Procedures will have to be put in place so that proper notice is given and appeals can be made. The implications are -"
"Timmy!" a woman's voice shouted from another room. "Come and get your cookies and milk!"
"Mooooooooooooooom!" Timmy shouted back. "I'm in the middle of something!"
"Finish whatever you're doing ASAP and get your butt down here, young man!" "Mom" insisted. "You know how cranky you get when you haven't had enough sleep! I don't want to get another call from Principle Skinner's office!"
"Fiiiiiiine! A decision in favour of Abraham could be very big but - hunh - I gotta go!"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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He Can See Them Exercising Together: Putin Lifting Weights And Trump Lifting Beers
Republicans are outraged by Russia's recent claim to a vast stretch of Arctic territory before the United Nations committee that overseas sea boundaries. "Personally, I like [Russian President Vladimir] Putin. He's my kinda guy," explained inexplicable Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. "But, those Russians, they say one thing one day, then do something completely different the next. They can't be trusted - they're nuts! Completely mental."
When asked about this at a press opportunity, President Obama sighed and responded, "Uh hunh..."
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2015/ALLPOLITICS/08/27/reps.main/index.html]
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"Mute Scientists Are An Evolutionary Response To The Free Market," Duboyce Added.
TranCanada Corporation, the company behind the Energy East pipeline, says that concerns about the possible impact of the project on whales and some fisheries in the Bay of Fundy are unfounded.
"We have it on good authority - smart people type authority, people who know science and stuff who speak very authoritatively - that whales are evolving, and can now survive on a diet of oil-covered krill and plastic packaging," claimed Energy East spokesman Tim Duboyce. "If some do-gooders keep us from spilling oil into pristine waters, all they'll be doing is condemning those poor mammals to starve to death!"
Evolutionary biologists were left speechless.
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=329]
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Spenney Shook His Head In Sad Disbelief
You may think of it as obvious dissembling. However, psychologists have a name for what happens when politicians or people who work for them cannot recall facts that may be detrimental to the chances of the politicians winning office: Reelection Based Amnesia.
"Yeah, well, when I had a staff member claim that I knew nothing about the accusations that Canadian air strikes in Middle Eastern countries had killed civilians, even though the Armed Forces have known about them for seven months, I wasn't lying," Conservative Defence Minister Jason Kenney gleefully said. "I was suffering from RBA!"
"RBA, hunh?" said Ray Novak, Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper's current chief of staff. "That's supposed to be an excuse for the Prime Minister not knowing Nigel Wright was paying Senator Mike Duffy $90,000 out of his own pocket, even though most of the staff in the PMO's office knew? Okay, Sure. Let's go with that..."
Psychologists expect the RBA epidemic to last until October.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/08/24/509727.html]
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He Haunts Our Dreams Still
"Anybody who has ever read one knows that the first rule of obituary writing is to name the person who has just died and what the person was known for. That would be Wes Craven, creator of the Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream horror movie franchises."
"Okay, yeah. I see that. But, then what?"
"All the best obituaries - well, my favourites, anyway - talk about what the person died of."
"So, if you were to say that Craven died of brain cancer...?"
"Yeah, like that."
"Yeah. Cool. I'm starting to see how this whole 'obituary' thing works..."
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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