Thank you, Agent Sleeper Mittens, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we couldn't help but notice that our employees came into the office wearing masks of a certain cartoon rodent that we cannot name for fear of receiving a cease and desist letter from Disney Corporation. Naturally, we asked them why they were wearing masks of a certain cartoon rodent that we cannot name for fear of receiving a cease and desist letter from Disney Corporation. They told us that wearing masks, of a cartoon rodent that we cannot name for fear of receiving a cease and desist letter from Disney Corporation or otherwise, kept them from having to show emotions on their faces that they didn't feel. This would actually free up energy that would make them far more productive. It's all the rage in China. This sounded absurd to us, so we asked them were they got the idea. They told us the suggestion was in a memo we had sent to them last week. It was all very official, they assured us.
We had no recollection of sending out such a memo. We did, however, get the distinct impression that our employees were laughing at us behind their masks.
Enjoy,The Quality Of The Driver Should Be A Factor, But...
The Conservative Party has dropped the writ for an election from the 79th floor of First Canadian Place (they had to build the last seven floors), making this the tallest writ droppage of the modern era of Canada. A lot can happen in 79 floors, of course - a gust of wind could blow the writ away, a bird could snatch it out of thin air and use it to build a nest, an unscrupulous person could stick a net out of his window and try to catch it so she could sell it on eBay - but, all other things being equal, the Conservatives' tremendous financial advantage over its rivals will likely be a deciding factor.
Why? Imagine we're at the starting line of a race. The Conservatives are driving a Lamborghini Veneno Roadster. The NDP is driving a 2002 Ford Focus with over 100,000 miles on it and a mysterious dent in the left passenger door. The Liberals are driving a beat-up VW microbus with patched tires on which the mileage has been reset, probably several times. It is, of course, possible that the Roadster will veer off the race track to avoid a bird in its path that is choking on a piece of paper that could be a writ, but what are the odds of that? Really?
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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The World Is Watching But You Better Make Your Point Quickly Because It Has A Short Attention Span
A Cairo court has postponed the verdict in the retrial of Canadian journalist Mohamed Fahmy on terror-related charges. "Justice must be seen to be done in this case," stated an anonymous source within Egypt's military government. "By Egyptians. Not the rest of the world."SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Jul29.html]
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If You Thought You Had Heard Too Much Of This Kind Of Advertising Before The Election Was Called...
Justin just doesn't understand families like mine. Balancing the need to get our youngest child into private pre-kindergarten while our other three children are in boarding schools can get very expensive. Like the average wealthy Canadian family, we split our time between our 20 bedroom mansion in Calgary, our private estate in Florida and an undisclosed location that I have been asked not to reveal for security reasons. If it weren't for family income splitting, we would have to lay off half our servants! Being Prime Minister isn't for the weak - Justin just isn't ready to take on families like mine!
A message from the Harper Government of Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1087952732]
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Nayman's Corollary To Godwin's Law: The Frequency And Vehemence Of Hitler References Is Inversely Proportional To A Politician's Standing In The Polls
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Unless They Were Bitten By A Snake They Were Handling, Refused Treatment And Died...Or Does That Just Happen In Kentucky?
Chicago rapper Chief Keef tried to perform as a hologram at an Indiana music festival, but police pulled the plug on his performance after only a single song. This was the second attempt by Chief Keef to hold a "Stop the Violence" benefit concert to raise funds for the family of 13 month-old Dillan Harris, who was hit and killed by a car thought to be involved in the fatal shooting of rapper Capo moments earlier.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel applauded the move, stating that Chief Keef was a bad influence on children. "If they see a successful rap star appear in public as a hologram, they might get the idea that they could do it, too. Soon, you'll have holograms of children in school while the kids are off doing who knows what. And what about holograms of children in church? Whatever they might be doing has to be worse than being in church!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2015-07-25-rahm-bombs_x.htm]
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The Empty Chairs Made A Lot Of Telling Points
Because NDP leader Thomas Mulcair refused to take part in any national debate which didn't include Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Liberal leader Justin Trudeau was alone for the traditional debate hosted by a consortium of Canada's largest broadcasters.
According to post-debate polls, he still came in third.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/07/29/trudeauoh150729]
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Oh, Lords!
British Baron John Sewel resigned as deputy speaker of the House of Lords after he was caught on video hosting a drugs and sex party with a pair of prostitutes. Baron Sewel was seen lounging in a leather jacket with nothing but a woman's bra underneath, snorting cocaine and complaining about what he deemed to be a miserly salary and expense account.
As always, England has a lot to teach the world about representative democracy.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0effa-b6d6-4d18-bf9b-07b207cc48ec]
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